this meeting could have been a push down the stairs
You Might Also Like
My superpower is hiding takeout containers from the food that I take credit for cooking.
EDWARD SNOWDEN: I can help determine the writer of that anonymous op-ed
TRUMP: What op-ed?
EDWARD SNOWDEN: Not much, what’s op with you?
FRED: right
Me:*Chewing* These pot brownies are disgusting.
Him: That’s a dish sponge.
Me: Oh no! That means –
*Sees all the tea cups eating my Doritos*
Diet update: I’m already down 3 scales after throwing them out the window.
My wife has like 20% of a conversation in her head before she decides to bring me into it. We can be driving in silence and she’ll just be like “and then we’ll pick the kids up and go straight from there.”
Hobbies are so different in San Francisco. Everyone is like, “I went for a hike” or “We took a drive along the coast.” In New York it was like, “I looked outside for awhile and decided it wasn’t worth it.”
(home depot)
frosty: so…i hear this is where I can find a snowblower
My teen practicing her lawyer skills, “We’re studying Thailand, can we get Thai food to help me understand the culture better?”
me: It’s raining so we have to run to the car, ok?
toddler: Ok
me:
toddler:
me: You gotta let me open the door before you start running
toddler *rubbing his head* Ok
The adult life I imagined as a child involved less laundry and more group dance numbers.
Cross a mobster in the streets. Horse’s head in the sheets.
Thanks for pointing out that I misspelled a word that I completely made up.
I stand incorrected.
That time hackers stole my nudes and returned them.
My kid told me the book we were reading was fiction, and the reason he knows that is because dragons don’t eat tacos, they eat meat
9yo: Can I have McDonald’s for supper?
Me: Let me think about it
9yo: *gives me a hug*
9yo: Did that help?
The Olympic trampolining is too easy. The event should start with the contestant dragging the trampoline out of the garage while drinking and being nagged by their kids at a barbecue.
“If you approach a bear in the woods, lie down and play dead” – brilliant rumor started by lazy bears
What?!?
I told my 8 year old son, “There’s something so special about you. Since you’re my last baby, you will always be mommy’s baby to me.”
To which he replied, “God I hope so. Aren’t you pushing 50?”
“Anyone can find the switch after the lights are on.”
– Confucius, who died in 479 BCE and was apparently also a time traveler
Someone said “30 years ago”, and my mind went to the 1970s, but they meant 1994, and now I need to lie down.
Are racist people like “ugh, my open minded uncle is going to be at Thanksgiving this year.”
Kinda rude the way this hedgehog is running away from me when I’m trying to stick cheese on his spikes.
dating: Of course I’ll wait until 8 to eat with you, handsome.
married: If you’re not home by 6, I’ll eat your dinner, too
Nothing infuriates me more than when I’m on my phone and something wants me to scan a QR code. With what Jan? With. What.
Thinking it’s a not a good thing when the pizza delivery guy knows my dog by name.
*plans eclipse viewing party*
*buys special glasses*
*gets plenty of snacks and drinks**wakes up to pouring rain*
*goes back to sleep*
Be careful who you piss off around here because some people use caps lock
This cashier is a moron
-Me at self checkout