this meeting could have been a push down the stairs
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No one shoots at your feet and tells you to dance anymore
Him: I’m thinking about shaving my beard
Her: Okay
Him: You don’t mind?
Her: Nope
Him: Great
Her: I’m thinking about getting a divorce
Him: You’ve made your point
*slams jug on counter*
Boom! Fresh milk from the neighbor’s cows.
Wife: Ummm they don’t have cows…they have Dalmatians.
I hate when someone makes an Instagram for their pet and then spells all the words wrong.
Either your dog is smart enough to set up, build & maintain a successful social media presence or he isn’t.
If you expect me to believe a dog did all this I think he can also spell “hungry.”
[after 47 minutes of listening]
okay usually when someone says “what is wrong with me” it’s rhetorical but thanks for the feedback
*runs Baywatch style through Wendy’s drive-thru*
It is what it is. Unless it’s cauliflower. Then it is what it isn’t.
*KFC*
Me: how tender is the chicken?
Employee: [points to chicken crying watching the notebook]
I’m not saying motorcycles are dangerous, but the motorcycle section on Craigslist also has a lot of electric wheelchairs for sale.
ME: *takes wife’s hand* you know I’ve wanted to have children for 3 years
WIFE: And I’ve told you *removes hand and sits back* we have to keep them forever
Her: I wish you’d just grow up.
Me: That’s a horrible thing to wish upon someone.
when it’s finally the weekend but you promised your wife you’d deal with the orc infestation in the basement
Me: Please, I beg of you, let me pet him one last time! I get separation anxiety!
Him: I’m just out walking my dog, lady.
My villain origin story is seeing the Twitter ad for the dog pooping toothpaste 1000 times in a day and finally snapping.
[Spelling Bee]
-Your word is ‘leniency’
-Can you use it in a sentence?
-*gets law degree*
*works in law*
*becomes judge*
*fines robber £1*
*talking to a baby*
Me: Can you say ‘dog’
Baby: *patronizingly* Can you say ‘Worcestershire’
dad: *holds up condoms* what are these
son: …
dad: *pulls out matches* you’re gonna smoke every last one
was listening to the very hungry caterpillar audiobook in my car and accidentally spent $174.09 at the drive-thru
*The Proclaimers put on a Fitbit
Fitbit: Awww, Hell No!!!
If we reverse engineered electronics from a crashed UFO, it’s only a matter of time before aliens return with patent lawyers and sue us into oblivion.
[waking up after a night of drinking]
Age 21: did i make out with someone
Age 36: did i steal someone’s dog
IT: You deleted the OS?
Me: I think so.
IT: It didn’t warn you?
Me: Yeah, but it only kinda warned me. What’s with the inquisition bro?
Just knowing that I have to get out of bed tomorrow is already annoying and it’s not even dark yet.
WELL WELL WELL, if it isn’t the lady who’s baby I stole.
My wife is enjoying the attention I’ve been giving her lately & though painting a phone on her face is inconvenient, it’s saved our marriage
You are the wind beneath my overly-sensitive, motion-activated floodlight.
This meal prepping shit easy
Is this what y’all think when you read my tweets 🤦🏻♀️😂
Idea: Eels. Exactly the same storyline as Cats but they’re all eels.
the revolution will not be YOU HAVE REACHED YOUR LIMIT OF 3 FREE ARTICLES THIS MONTH PLEASE SUBSCRIBE TO READ MORE