This meeting could have been an email. That email could have been a fistfight in the alley
You Might Also Like
I just love that new Pope smell.
So after my kids had been whining all day, I cheerfully told them: “I’ve got some good news, guys!”
They stop crying long enough to ask what it was but apparently telling them I just saved a bunch of money on car insurance wasn’t the news they were hoping for.
Suggested movie theater prices: Adults – $9.00, Under 12 – $ 6.00, Under 3 – $249.00
Keeping this house spotless is tough, but trying to look busy for the three hours that the maid is here isn’t exactly a walk in the park either.
*watching someone make a cake*
them: and now add the mascarpone
me: ah yes, the one that hides the horses
Fact: men are never too busy for sex. It’s been clinically proven, 9 out of 10 men will find time for sex while fleeing a burning building.
Been dating this girl for 7 months and today she asked me, why I don’t have a girlfriend
trust my gut? the thing that can’t even handle milk?
I wish my car ran on shattered dreams instead of gas. I’d be able to make it to Canada on my failed ninja goals alone.
ME (having a disagreement with a friend): I’d like to speak to your manager
*connects a taser to doorbell to avoid human contact
i want enemies
What a wicked game you play
To make me feel this way
What a wicked thing to do
Detective Pikachu
When you die, you can now have your remains scattered by drone across the UK. It helps if you’re cremated, but it’s not as funny
I don’t always trust old people’s stories of the past. Recently an older gentlemen told me that he grew up as one of seven children. And it’s like…come on dude. Even back then there were more kids than that.
MOM: putting him in sports was a bad idea
DAD: yup
ME (in right field wearing my cup on my face): hey coach look at me I’m Bane lol
Haven’t had a conversation like this in months
Did you know?
A cowbird will sneak into another bird’s nest, lay her egg, and leave it for the other bird to raise.
And I’ll be damned if that isn’t the best parenting hack I’ve ever heard.
I’m perfectly fine with kissing frogs to find a prince…But I draw the line at kissing snakes.
Dads be like, “Picked out the t-shirt I’ll be wearing every weekend for the next 20 years.”
During a prostate exam #BadTimesToHighFive
[at the bar]
Me: Let’s settle this like men
Him: *pulls out knife*
Me: *rips off clothes to reveal racquetball outfit*
In honor of the striking writers and actors, I won’t post anything good here starting in 2016.
She:Hey,Whats up?
Me:Onion prices.
S:You know what I mean,like What’s crackin’?
M:Nutshells.
S:Really?Fine.What’s poppin?
M:Corn.
*Blocked*
As the zombies swarm, I ask for one last selfie. By the time they realise their dead flesh won’t activate the touch screen, I’m long gone.
100% per cent of survey respondents said: help us get out of this tall tree. we didn’t know this survey involved being stuck in a tree
Nobody is looking…here’s my chance…😂😏🐶
My Grandad had a pet shop. Which was a stupid thing to have as a pet.
*bursts into English convention*
GRAB ALL THE STUFF YOU CAME WITH THE BUILDING’S ON FIRE
*crickets*
Christ. THE STUFF WITH WHICH YOU CAME
Friend: my wife & I had our son very young
Me: so did we, he was just a baby