Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

If you are attracted to both men and women with muscular arms, you’re bicepsual.

“Thanks for saving my life” said no toddler ever

I start opening a delivered package before I even get back inside and my wife can let her packages sit unopened on the table for a week. Which one needs therapy?

Me: Pick up your toys please.
5yo: Who’s coming over?

The sexual position formally known as 69 is now called 96. Due to the economy, the cost of eating out has increased.

When pigs fly they will have the most delicious wings.

My husband just said, “I have a game I think you’d be interested in that I bet you haven’t heard of…

It’s called Wordle”

As a parent my favourite part of the weekend is Monday.

My 4yo held up her toy phone and announced she had “an important call to make.”

So I made sure to stay really quiet for a min because, respect.

Then I blasted the TV, begged for snacks, slammed doors & screamed “NOOOO” because, retribution.

Pick a number, now add 7,
divide by 4, write it down.
Now get an apple, name it,
show it a picture of your cat.

Now go to bed,you’re drunk.

🎶I’m going to wash that man right out of my hair🎶

*tiny little man falls out of my hair with a gentle thud*

Him: Is that a new shampoo?

I need a strapping man or woman to come fireman carry me upstairs to bed and brush my teeth. No weirdos (which is why my husband can’t do it).

But it’s not the “worst way” either…

Have you ever accidentally ended a business call with “I love you?” Oh yeah me neither.

What do you call an apology written in dots and dashes?

Re-Morse code.

Me: Ooh, I love those pretty Christmas lights hanging over the street.
Cop: Those are traffic lights, what’s exactly in the thermos ma’am?

Narrator: Here we see the
Me: Here we see the
N:…gazelle in
M: the nature program narrator
N: THE GAZELLE IN ITS
M: WHOSE FOREHEAD VEIN IS

ME: [grinding pepper onto my food]

IRON MAN: WHAT HAVE YOU DONE

To my writer friends. Just keep going. I was rejected over 48 times before I got my 49th rejection.

My dog, every day, brings out a shoe, a shoe of mine in my current shoe rotation, and won’t let it go until I give her a bully stick. It’s extortion!

Me: When a door closes a window opens.

All dads: Close that damn window! I’m not trying to air condition the whole damn county! And turn off that light while you’re at it.

The angel on my shoulder says I should be doing more with my life.

Wait, no, that’s just my mom talking. I forgot I left my phone there.

Those A24 movies with narrow aspect ratios should make use out of the extra space on the sides of the screen. Put up some NFL scores or something

On the Museum of Science and Industry coal mine tour and the guide asks “how would you improve working conditions in the mine?” This Little One shoots a hand up and cheerfully answers:

“Riot”

Nothing prepares you for the metamorphosis of when you open your mouth and your mother comes out.

Me: *travels back to 1980*
Me: *watches my parents bring me home after birth, tears up*
Me: *watches mom trip and drop me on my head*
Me: That actually explains a lot.

You ever pump your gas slowly on purpose so no one realizes you only had $3 on you

I have this awesome app that shows me what I would look like as a fat person. It’s called Camera.

cashier: would you like a receipt?

me: . o O (if someone is being murdered right now it would be my alibi but if someone gets murdered in the store they could pin it on me)

cashier: well?

me: I want to talk to a lawyer

Twitter. Or as I call it: Sinterest.