Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

a fun game to play with a chiropractor is to go completely limp after they pop your neck just to see what they do

Mary brought in donuts.
Jim took the only Boston Cream.
Jim knows those are my favorites.
I slipped a laxative into Jim’s coffee.
I pulled the fire alarm.
We are on the 39th floor.
Jim should learn to be more considerate.

Today’s episode of Wheel of Fortune has been cancelled because Jesus took the wheel.

The important thing to remember is that nobody asked you.

Person: Why are you in a wheelchair?

Me [from my wheelchair]: I asked too many questions.

Based on the TV shows I watched as a kid I was expecting a lot more pies to the face by this point in my life.

My mum tells me that she turns the internet off when she goes to bed, incase you’re wondering why your screen just went blank.

I get you, anti-evolution people. I’m too lazy to learn science too.

Me: *seductively spreading peanut butter on my chest

Sir, you’re going to have to leave.

Me: *reluctantly gets off treadmill

ME: i dropped acid almost every day for one year

my son Acid: is that why i can’t do math Dad

Me to Kids: …and so the princess married the first person who asked her, and that’s called ‘settling,’ can you say ‘never settle,’ children?
Husband, walking in: What the- what kind of bedtime story is THAT?
Me, fleeing room: And they all lived happilyeveraftergoodnight!

I once had a boyfriend cheat on me with my best friend but that pales in comparison to the betrayal I feel when an Amazon ‘Get it by tomorrow’ order arrives two days late

This fishing rod sucks. I have yet catch a single oyster.

I’m at the age where I need at least 3 weeks advance notice before doing anything spontaneous

I think my downstairs neighbors are beginning to suspect I’m living in their attic.

TEEN 1: Church is so boring.
TEEN 2: It’s so out of touch.
THE YOUNG POPE approaches pulpit: “Some…BODY once told me–”
TEENS: HOLY SHIT

A frittata is just an omelette for people too lazy to flip things.

When Bryan Adams sang ‘Baby, you’re all that I want…when you’re lying here in my arms…” I bet he was talking about brisket.

me: I challenge you to a fish fight

them: you mean fist fight?

Me: [gently putting bass knuckles on my best goldfish Reginald] no

Therapy: Expensive

saying “ew” out loud to anything or anyone that opposes you: Free

Can anyone live in a sewer or do you have to be a clown or a Ninja Turtle

All-day Christmas music at work, day 4:

Just Googled “Candy cane prison shank”

I don’t use gps. I’m tagged like a pet cat so when I get lost someone just returns me

Me, 20’s & 30’s: I can’t remember anything about last night.
Friends: You had a good time, then!
Me, 40’s: I can’t remember anything about last night.
Friends: You need to see a neurologist.

“help us improve instagram” nice try fix your own damn website.

Whenever someone else takes a pic of me I like to make sure both my hands are showing so it doesn’t scream selfie like my selfies do.

Tom Cruise turns 60 Sunday. The reason he looks so young is because he donated half his age to Scientology.

A cabbage a day keeps people away.

Tell the colonel to bring it