This meme is a joke but also life-changing advice if taken to heart
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My favorite animal is fried chicken.
Husband: where you off to?
Me: bathroom
Husband: you have to pee again?
Me: no, I gotta cough
Dude at Starbucks just left the crowded store and went “Bye everyone,” and every single person in that store said goodbye I literally just met the main character
*looks up from pestle and mortar
“Powdering this baby is HARD!”
Mmmm canned fish.
“Alexa, lock the door”
– me to my friend alexa because computers locking doors is LITERALLY HOW TERMINATOR STARTED
“For I am Christ the Redeemer, He Who Saves!”- Jesus, using his coupons.
Interviewer : So you’re super fast at math?
Me : Yup
I : Ok, what’s 346×48?
Me : 804
I : That’s not correct
Me : Fast though.
My phone autocorrected “gym” to “fun” so I threw it in the trash bc it’s obviously broken.
Shit. My daughter just told me that the handwriting on the Tooth Fairy’s I.O.U. looks the same as mine.
[god creating jellyfish]
how bout an evil bag
I’m using my husband’s phone today because mine is broken and he has his font so small I think only ants can read it.
It is amazing how trim porn actresses stay with all the pizza they order.
I’m one of those lucky people that can eat whatever they want and not put on any clothes.
It’s like my nana once said….
You know you can block people on Twitter who confuse crochet with knitting, right?
In Canada, street racing is just people competing to see who can dig their car out of the snow first.
Shout out to feathers for keeping birds from being scary as hell
5: let’s play the quiet game.
Me: okay
5: ready..? Start.
Me:
5:
Me:
5: whoever talks first is the loser.
As soon as the tide comes in it’s over for you beaches.
I don’t know, Jay-Z. If I was worth half a billion dollars, I’d have like 3 problems. Max.
The neighbor woke me up with his lawn mower. I’m going to sit outside and play my recorder all day.
BOWIE: We can be heroes.
ME: omg, yay.
BOWIE: Just for one day.
ME: I actua—I think it’s gonna take longer than that.
BOWIE: We can be heroes.
ME: No, I get that. It’s jus—it’s a length issue.
BOWIE: Forever and ever.
ME: I don’t…*rubbing temples* something between those, maybe?
[clown interview]
Why become a professional clown?
me: [picturing getting hit in the face with cream pies every day] um I like kids
*posts Social Security number on social media*
*hopes someone steals his identity and pays off his mortgage*
My roommate wants to have sex with me so bad. I don’t think he understands how marriage works.
Writing “Omg you guys are still friends after what she said about you???” on every group photo of girls I see on Instagram
4 dudes 1 kickflip #Skateboarding #skatetwitter
Are people who say “hard pass” aware of fiber supplements?
My husband thinks I’ve been on my phone checking the weather for the last 3500 hours
Girlfriend’s dad doesn’t like me for some reason. Doesn’t want to get rich via foolproof investment opportunity, either. Strange guy