Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

me: are you checking me out

librarian: yes

[sketchy parking lot]

stranger: hey man, can you jump my car?

me: maybe if i get a running start

Sometimes u see the moon during the day and it’s like, wow, how embarrassing. Showed up early because you were bored? Get a life, nerd moon.

HER: Now that we’re in lockdown, we really need to ration our snacks

ME: *sprinkling Oreo crumbs over a log cabin made of Snickers* Yeah definitely

[after the flood]

noah: a lot of those people you killed were my friends

god: i’m sorry here’s a rainbow

noah: that doesn’t really help

god: maybe if you’d stop whining you’d have more friends

If you give a man a fish he’ll eat for a day but if you teach a kid how to make pop tarts your job as a parent is pretty much done

She was murdered by the toddler. In the bathroom. With his hundredth question.
-Parent version of Clue

on a scale of 1 to eating cereal out of a bundt cake pan with a melon baller, how lazy are you about washing dishes on the weekends?

Oh honey, when I said I wanted to grind your face I meant with a meat grinder

I will selflessly protect my family from a life of diabetes by eating the entire box of donuts.

My greatest accomplishment as a parent has been convincing my kids that Chuck E Cheese closes for “flu season.”

It’s not an octopus. It’s a water spider. And yes, so called “marine biologist”, if you live in the ocean you swallow 8 of them every year.

The earth moves 1.6 million miles per day. So no I didn’t just “lay in bed and watch TV all day” I traveled very far thank u

Losing weight doesn’t seem to be working for me, so just gonna concentrate on getting taller

cat: *unresponsive*

bartender: get this catatonic

BLIND DATE TIP FOR WOMEN: Throw a fork into the wall behind ur date so he has to turn around, to make sure he doesn’t have a hidden ponytail

There’s no “u” in narcissist

Before I check out of a hotel, I like to scrub the toilet, clean the shower, strip the bed, and leave a $700 tip for the maid so it feels like I’m staying in an airbnb

Raise your hand if you’d like to go back to more simple times when clowns were in the woods scaring us.

still the best tweet of the year by far

If I say “Bloody Mary” three times in the mirror in the dark I get a free drink, right?

Roman: Any last words?

Jesus: I’ll be back.

Amazon Review: A History of Criminals
★★★☆☆

Not a bad book. Prose and cons.

*first date*

Her: I’m a criminologist.

Me, trying to impress: I have six bodies in my attic.

“OH MY SWEET GOD BE CAREFUL. OH- OH MY DEAr LORD GOD. HOW? HOW??” -me watching gymnastics

I may be short but I sure as heck can dunk. Donut coffee dunks are my speciality.

[Hair Salon]

Stylist: What would you like?

Me: I want it 2 inches longer all over.

I forgot to pick up a 10mg gummy I dropped on the ground in my backyard last night and this morning it was covered in ants and I just can’t even imagine the day those little guys are about to have

Memories are a bit fuzzy — but regrets? They’re in 8K and Dolby Vision.

men are simple creatures