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Alexa, make out with the Roomba
The hoodie & shorts combo outfit, because you almost understand how body heat works.
Ima weiner. Damn I meant winer. Dammit I’m a winner. Hucked on fonics it made me look like an moroon.
I love how one day my body just decided “You know what you really need is some ear hair.”
-Where was I conceived, dad?
Dad: Ahh *rubs back of neck* At the Bellagio in Las Vegas.
-Rly?
Dad: Wd I lie to u, Bestwestern Broomcloset?
Sweaters don’t sweat.
Jumpers don’t jump.
And knickers don’t knick.
-Just a few of the reasons that keep me up at night
Browsing Prime this morning and clicked “Sort by Price: High to Low” like my life is some sort of rap video.
asking my doctor to give me the Marilyn Manson rib removal surgery to make more room for the hotdog eating contest
You can’t claim to like bad girls and then get mad when I rob you.
Recipe: prep 10 mins, bake 30 mins
Reality: prep 2.5 hours, bake 1 hour, order takeout instead.
Why is it that “fire sauce” isn’t made with any real fire? Seems like false advertising.
Once, I got pulled over because a cop thought my car was on fire but really it was just my hair flying out the sunroof.
Did I tell you about the time I knocked down a kid with my bag on purpose? No? One time I knocked down a kid with my bag on purpose.
Me: I just need some alone time away from the kids
Wife: When?
Me: Between 2 and 5
Wife: Ok
Me: I’ll be back when they’re 6
My neighbor’s car alarm has apparently never heard the story of The Boy Who Cried Wolf.
If you’re a guy and your profile picture has a photo clicked of yourself in front of a mirror,
OH GOD WHY?!?
What do you get if you cross an angry sheep and a angry cow?
You get two animals in a baaaaaaaad moooooooood
The fridge drawer is marked “crisper” but it is pronounced “rotter.”
Ooop, you spit-talked on me. I’m just gonna pretend nothing happened and freak out inside my mind.
Steps to survive on a dessert island:
1. check spelling
2. if correct, enjoy
*sees oven left on
“What moron left the oven on!?”
*tries repeatedly to turn it off
“WTF!? Stupid oven!”
*realizes 425 is the time
We’re all ridiculous…
It’s not a competition.
My boss gave me an assignment and told me to “give it the old college try”, so now I’m skipping class and doing a keg stand.
I lost my voice so basically I’m every mans dream girl right now.
Me ignoring red flags and clinging to toxic relationships because I’m a silly goose
I cannot afford to get my wife a new Lexus for Christmas so I’ll be tying a red ribbon on a pair of Sketchers and setting them in the driveway.
The perfect tattoo doesn’t exi…
Air Bud trembles in fear after the opposing team drapes a basketball jersey over a vacuum cleaner and puts it on their starting lineup.
I bet every time Vanilla sets his razor down on the bathroom sink, he looks up in the mirror, rubs his newly smooth face & says “Shaved Ice”