Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

This coyote won’t let me get close enough to put a sweater on him.

GUY: *busts in bleeding* i owe money to some bad dudes you gotta help me

ME: *proudly reaches down and pulls the pennies out of my loafers* you’ve come to the right place

I was so excited. Thought I found an M&M at the bottom of my purse. It was only an earbud. I ate it anyway.

Whenever I see a lone shoe on the road I figure someone’s foot has been raptured

How far did I walk away from the sink when I was brushing my teeth? As always, too far.

Remember , for some unknown reason Santa doesn’t make batteries .

When you go to buy fire insurance for your house, don’t tell them you need it by a certain date.

Lobsters: grabby hands
Mobsters: stabby hands

The only reason I’ve been going out with this guy all summer is because I have no idea how to operate my gas grill.

doctor: describe your morning routine

me: denial, anger, bargaining, depression, and acceptance

doctor: I said m-o-r-n-i-n-g

me: I know how it’s spelled

I’m not gay but I support their “agenda” – working, having a family, living in safety and fair, equal treatment.
Pretty radical shit.

I sing this with my entire soul to anyone within earshot. I truly believe, in my heart of hearts, that anything that is broken can always be mended.

-The inventor of duct tape, probably

All summer long: Kids are healthy.

5 minutes into first day of school: Everyone has Ebola.

Dickens: It was the best of times, it was the worst of times
Schrödinger: Nice, nice

I have a huge gash in my forehead. I’m going to assume I got up in the middle of the night, fought some crime, and went back to bed.

[funeral]
ME: [giving eulogy] so here’s why I’m glad this guy is dead

me *choking on a piece of popcorn*
cat: Finally

When you’re a twin and you gotta give someone a gift on your own birthday.

This is my bus stop.

“No i’m clearly not in a position to be giving you advice right now”
*gets down from doing a headstand*
“Ok, lay it on me”

Everybody loves that comfort food until you end up with that comfort body.

I’m just saying, my wife is lucky to have found a weirdo that makes her laugh, she could have met a different weirdo, like a serial killer.

[first day as aquarium guide]
Me: & here’s 8 snakes biting a soccer ball
Guy: that’s an octopus
Me [sighs]: fine. 8 snakes biting an octopus

Be specific when saying “BYOB”:

[bursts into house]
Hey, I brought beers!
*7 pastors wives shut their Bibles disapprovingly*

Me ten years ago: I can’t believe people are giving up their landlines. That’s crazy.

Me today: I can’t believe people still have their landlines. That’s crazy.

I choose my underwear for the day based on how likely I am to have sex.
Today I’m wearing a used grocery bag I found floating across the highway.

I asked my kid if his room was clean and that little shit cackled and asked Alexa if it was “Stupid Question Day”

I stopped my pig from eating a penny.

I don’t know why.

I was so close to having a real live piggy bank.

‘Trying to figure out why the police and I seem to chase the same type of guys’

hey there delilah, oh shit no i meant vicky
babe i promise you’re the only one
no this is not a hickey
♪it’s just a bruuuise ♪