Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

There’s not a day that goes by where I don’t think about that Backstreet Boy asking his pals, “am I sexual?” & they’re like, “yeah.”

Imagine falling in love with me then finding out I’m a slow walker

[the noise of everyone talking at a party randomly goes silent]
ME: i call hot dogs meat pickles

Him: I hope I die first.

Her: Aww you can’t live without me?

Him: I don’t wanna deal with the paperwork.

And that about sums it up.

I cleverly paired my housekeeping work with my cardio, and now I can’t get myself to do either.

HIM: What do you think happens to us when we die?
ME: Funerals, you idiot.

I left my accordion in the car and forgot to lock it. By the time I got back, it was too late. There were four accordions in there

I slept with the lights on last night because I missed the light switch with all 8 of the Nerf Darts I shot while lying in bed.

INTERVIEWER: We want someone who isn’t just a yes-man, you know what I mean?

ME [clever] no

You slid into my DM’s and now you mean to tell me you’re not gonna divorce your wife, uproot your life and leave your family FOR ME!? HOW DARE!

I ate a kids meal at Wendy’s
his mom was furious

There’s no way that Cinderella was treated like shit her entire life, then a prince tells her he loves her & she wasn’t like “yeah right.”

I like to listen to Anu Malik’s music while I study because he is a constant reminder on why it’s important to get educated.

Relationship status: you’d think something called a Roomba would be a better dancer

ME: *pointing gun* Give me everything.

WORKER: Sir, this is a pet shelter.

ME: I know.

*carried off into the sunset by a wave of animals*

Always go for the Lonewolf, unless they are insane, then go for someone else.

If Sesame Street really cared about children they’d realize Big Bird could feed a hungry family for a month.

I don’t know why friends and family keep getting pregnant when I have two kids right here they can have.

It isn’t a real party unless some drunken idiot makes a fool of themselves by walking face first into a closed glass sliding door.

I’m fine by the way.

When your internet goes out and you are forced to get to know your surroundings

🎶 It’s raining yen. Hallelujah, it’s raining yen

– Winners of the Japanese lottery, probably

for pi day i will be going as a cutie pie

Friend: I’m surprised to see you eating a salad.

Me: *empties bag of chocolate chips over it*

Her: You ate that entire bag of fried cheese snacks?
Him: Thought you said they were baked.
Her: I said YOU were baked.

got an email from old navy about the steps they’re taking to combat covid-19 so I guess the worst is over, and also tank tops are half price

Me: lets go on a date
Her: umm
Me: what could go wrong
*25 minutes later we are being chased by a pack of raccoons*

Interviewer: If you get this job what will you bring to the team?

Me: cake…I’ll bring cake