This message stamped on the squeaker inside the stuffed animal my dog just destroyed
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Her: oh my god i’m so wet
Me: have you tried putting it in rice?
One of the World’s Strongest Man events should be “Pulling apart two shopping carts that are stuck together.”
A spider just fell from the ceiling and landed right in front of me and now I have to explain why a woman was screaming in my cubicle.
*getting murdered* omg stop you can get in a lot of trouble for this.
My phone should just know if the passcode is entered incorrectly the first 3 times then it’s definitely me.
Cigarettes are a lot like hamsters. Perfectly harmless until you put one in your mouth and light it on fire.
[courtroom]
me: [under my breath] ᴵ ᵈᵒⁿ’ᵗ ᵈᵉˢᵉʳᵛᵉ ʲᵃⁱˡ ᵗⁱᵐᵉ
judge: pardon?
me: omg thank you
Don’t pee on my head and tell me it’s raining, buddy!
(In fact please don’t pee on my head and tell me anything, this was just a metaphor but still)
I don’t want well-wishes for international women’s day, I want a dragon.
date: what do u do
me: well u know big bird
date: omg. u play him
me: no *places a crossbow on the table* i hunt him
Remember, Kids… If you can’t say anything nice, well, it’s probably hilarious and worth getting into trouble over anyway.
my kids don’t always go to the bathroom but when they do they need to use the same bathroom at the same time, all together
Getting escorted outta Panera for doing keg stands at the charged lemonade machine.
*phone rings*
Wife – “Quick! Pretend I’m not in!”
Me – *strips naked and does running man*
Wife – “….”
you ever stop and think to yourself, “why am I reading the Wikipedia page for Whale Oil?”
Aliens: take us to your leader
Me: ok guys listen- he’s probably going to deport you but there is a small chance he’ll want to marry you
Womb is pronounced as “woom” and tomb as “toom”.
It’s only fair that bomb should go “boom”.
Sorry. Can’t. I live in a small town. You know what that’s like. *vague gesture* Super busy avoiding all men from a Big City who might have recently inherited a tree farm & are liable to stay here after being charmed into rediscovering the true meaning of Christmas.
I was bullied by a cheerleader in high school and she used to tan every day so I stayed out the sun for 34 years and now I look 10 years younger than she does. WHO’S CHEERING NOW BRITTNI?
dmv clerk: please look at the camera
me: wait i’m not rea-
dmv clerk: done, next!
I am looking forward to 6pm Thanksgiving Day when Walmart opens its doors for its annual sale of trampled human corpses.
Legend has it there are 13 ways to have sex. So far, all I’ve found is 1 and it wasn’t even that great since all we used was my imagination.
why do birds
sudenly appear
every time
you are near
and how do u
always manage
to fit that many
birds in ur mouth
to begin with
Was dating this chick whose cat used to poop in her tub all the time. I only did it once and she broke up with me. WTF?
I WON’T TELL YOU AGAIN!
~ me to my kids for the 387th time today
Parents who say they love their children unconditionally have obviously never had a kid choose tuba as their band instrument.
My daughter knows what a meth lab is thanks to an episode of The Simpsons.
At least that’s what I had to tell child services just now.
Oh really? I swallow eight spiders a year in THEIR sleep
My dog just ate one of my earbuds gonna blast metal until I get it back