This message stamped on the squeaker inside the stuffed animal my dog just destroyed
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If owned an Italian restaurant, in October I would change the menu to say “fettucine afraido” and “garlic dread” and “boocatini”. I would go out of business, but it would be worth it.
Jehovah’s Witness: Do you have time to talk about Jesus?
Jesus: *In disguise* sure
JW: He’s lame
J: *rips off fake beard* Big mistake pal
My couch doubles up as a bed, a work station, a cheeto hiding place…. it’s like the other furniture isn’t even trying!
Astronaut: wtf is this
NASA: it’s space food
A: I specifically asked for only Milky Way bars
N: look we get it but-
A: no no I’m coming down
When I lay all my cards out on the table, people be like “Damn, where you get all them cards?”
Toothpick use time frames:
30 seconds – It was free at the restaurant and you just wanted to suck the mint flavoring off it
60 seconds – Actually has something stuck in teeth
90 seconds – Things are getting weird
120 seconds – Sexual predator
I wish I had a little robot companion that put his arm out and shook his head at people who tried to talk to me before lunch.
in addition to Lady Doritos, Doritos plans to make Alpha Male Doritos, which will be just shards of broken glass
My washing machine is broken and the laundry is piled so much now, I’ve started to wear old Halloween costumes
Rand Paul’s full name is Random Politician
SUMMER BREAK WEEK 1
Kid: Can I have a popsicle for breakfast?
Me: No, absolutely not.
SUMMER BREAK WEEK 2
Kid: Can I have a popsicle for breakfast?
Me: After you eat your real breakfast.
SUMMER BREAK WEEK 3
Kid: What’s for breakfast?
Me: Popsicles.
We need to drop all our differences and unite against our common enemy: mercury in retrograde
Ford vehicles names are more fun when you put “anal” in front of them..Probe, Explorer, Excursion, Endeavor, Ranger,etc
If stranded in a lifeboat in the middle of the sea, rub 2 FB accounts together to generate enough thoughts & prayers to lift you to safety.
I want what they have
Today. I. Realized. That. Typing. Like. This. Doesn’t. Make. Your. Point. Stronger. It. Makes. You. Look. Like. Your. Computer. Has. Asthma
morpheus: take the blue pill AND the red pill and i’ll show you how deep the rabbit hole goes
me: they both taste exactly the same
morpheus: *waving skittles packet* RIGHT?
me: OH MY GOD
People with stick figure families on their car: Oh look how cute we are!
Criminals: I’ll need 3 rolls of duct tape.
Me: Grandma died, can’t work today.
Boss: Thought she died last month?
Me: This time she is for real dead. We poked her with a stick.
i hope all the people who have me blocked because i annoy them are mad as hell they have to read this shit again. hi.
I have a stomach ache and my husband is mad at me for eating the peanut butter out of the mouse traps.
Sure, I have a talent for shirking, but it’s not like I didn’t have to work at it too.
Cheers to all who skipped that one dish at Thanksgiving because you just didn’t trust the person who brought it.
The only way a “staycation” sounds good is if the rest of my family takes a “leavecation”
[on the phone with wife]
Honey, who do you like better, Hulk Hogan or Jafar from Aladdin?
“Tell me why.”
[winks at tattoo artist] No reason.
Friend: I can’t stand one-uppers.
Me: I can’t stand them more.
what if your teeth were naturally flaccid and got hard when you got hungry
do beavers even know what they’re doing or do they just see water flowing down a river and think “absolutely not”
[THE INVENTOR OF GUM]
What if you could just pretend to eat?