This might be me.
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Interviewer: So, tell me a little about yourself.
Me: I’m very attracted to you right now.
The best way to get me to agree with you is to be attractive.
hookup culture actually helps a lot of people clean their bedrooms
Sadly, my universal remote control does not control the universe, not even remotely.
I got this box of water on my flight last night. It is not better. It tastes like a petting zoo
Go bears!
(I’m not watching football I just hate salmon)
Me: I’m terrible at fractions
Also me, at work: In another 23 minutes I’ll be 64/73rds through the day
i just went through my sons belongings and i think he might be cheating at chess
I have to leave in 5 minutes! Better get ready!
*Sits for aonther 10 minutes*
“I can’t do any of this? This is some bullshit.”
[sign outside butcher shop: POLISH SAUSAGES – ASK US]
ME: Yes, I’m here about the sausage polishing job?
Is it still casual sex if you’re wearing a tuxedo?
Certain people have been making very hurtful remarks about my choosing to wear mittens rather than gloves
But I don’t like to point fingers
You going to eat those sausages?
– What?
The encased meats. Do you want them?
– Those are my fingers.
Oh, no thanks, I’m not there yet.
3: mommy, you’re the best
me: aw, thanks bud! I think you’re the best!
3: me too
god: make a giant mouse
angel: okay
god: with a baby carrier on it
angel: wh- why
god: but it’s like, really good at jumping and stuff
angel: [nervously] what stuff
god: [hits joint] boxing
Dudes always say they want a goth girlfriend until you accidentally turn into a bat in front of their mom.
First date tip: Laugh at all his jokes, even bad ones. Men love it. Laugh louder. If he begs you to stop…laugh harder. This is good advice
One thing they don’t tell you is, as a parent, your chances of dying by a T-Rex are greater than zero
Them: Who is your favorite…
Me: My dog
Them: No, I wasn’t finished. I meant, who is your favorite…
Me: My dog
I wish it was socially acceptable to push someone back through a door if they don’t say thank you when you hold it for them.
another day another dollar?
where’d you find a dollar?
“You’ve got a friend in me.”
– Cannibals, probably
I like to just appear out of nowhere and say, “this looks like a job for a binder clip.”
slapping people across the face with a glove and challenging them to a duel is a good way to end an argument at work.
“I’m sure this happens every time a famous person dies but I wanted to see if the library had any of his CDs.”
“You mean like… music CDs?”
“Yeah. By Shane MacGowan? The Pogues?”
“Oh thank goodness, I thought you were talking about Henry Kissinger.”
The United Steaks of America
8:00 AM: I am 100% committed to this new diet!
8:45 AM: Eats an entire box of uncooked lasagna noodles
“See you later alligator”
“In a whilst crocodile”
-why we fought the British for independence