This might be me.
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Can’t. Typing a password into a tv.
“I’m sorry you feel that way” is a bad apology. You need to be more specific. Next time try, “I’m sorry you feel the need to share that with me.”
Doctor: I’m afraid you have very little time left
Me: oh no
Doctor: my next appointment is here
Me: ohhh jesus I thought
Doctor: he’s gonna help you make a will
Me: the constitution says I have the right to assemble
Ikea clerk: you have to buy it first
Alien wife: I hope you get sucked into a black hole.
Alien hubby: Yours? Hahaha
*slaps where his knee should be*
“You want crumbs with that?”
-My bed, every night.
Your script should feel like a movie. That’s why, before I write FADE IN:, I include six pages of production company logos.
If my body was covered entirely in eyeballs, I still couldn’t look at you enough.
*me being romantic*
please someone make a recipe page that’s literally just ingredients and instructions. if i have to scroll through one more essay about someone’s culinary awakening i am going to lose my mind
Social media is great. Before Facebook I’d never know what the girl who wrote “dirty Jew” on my 8th grade locker was thankful for this year.
Growing a beard is the closest I’ve come to caring for an animal.
Drank so much coffee I think I just lost hearing in my right eye.
why is john fetterman calling brian williams from the blair witch corner
Banker: You’re sure you want a reverse mortgage and understand how it works?
Me (imagining bank making huge unaffordable payments to me for years): Yes
*walks into alma mater carrying English degree*
I’d like a refund, please. This did not work as promised.
“I like your skinny jeans, are they new?”
No, I bought them 15lbs ago
Heard Santa and his wife separated, which would make them independent Clauses.
I’m going to ask you guys a question… if you are in a car and you press the gas and the brakes at the same time, does it take a screen shot?
how dare you call me when dogs 101 is on
It’s that magical time of year for parents.
School picture day is coming up.
The day schools will pressure you to prepay for pictures that your kid will absolutely have their eyes closed in.
Shoe store employee on phone w/ wife: “Yea honey I should be home just in time for dinner”
*centipede walks in*
“You’ve got to be kiddin me”
[sideline]
QB: Do you think I should go for it?
COACH: I say go for it[huddle]
CENTER: So?
QB: Would you like to go for a coffee sometime?
you: let’s get this bread
j.d. salinger, an intellectual: let’s catch this rye
I went for a run today. Of course it was a beer run, but I was sweating.
Me: “Would you like to go on a date?”
Her: “Yes”
Me: “Yeah, it’s cool, I was kind of kidding anyway.”
“Wait, what?!”
Coworker: Do you have good taste in music?
Me: I can only taste things I put in my mouth
Both of us thinking: I work with an idiot
My husband: Put on something hot and do a sexy dance for me, baby.
Me: *puts on Snuggie and does the worm*
Friend: compliment her eyelashes, girls like that
[later]
Me: you have nice eyeball hair
The two types of wives
A Parenting Mad Lib:
Why is there ____(adjective)____ ____(noun)____ all over the ____(noun)____? If you don’t stop ____(verb ending in “ing”)____ and clean it up by the time I count to ____(number)____, I swear I’m going to ____(empty threat)____!