9am: protein shake, oatmeal
1pm: small salad, chicken breast
5pm: grilled salmon, spinach
9pm: 4 whole “i don’t give a shit anymore” pizzas
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Just heard a little boy call his mom “mother,” as if both had already accepted the fact that he’d become a serial killer some day.
How does a hippie polygamist count his wives?
1. Mrs. Hippie 2. Mrs. Hippie 3. Mrs. Hippie 4. Mrs. Hippie
We need a ride home.
“I called a Gruber”
Don’t you mean an Uber?
[villain from 1988 Die Hard arrives in black Prius]
Them: I’m not getting that vaccine! I don’t know what’s in it.
Me: Have you ever eaten a hot dog?
Amazon: Your order has been ship—
Me: *Track Package*
Not to get too technical, but chemistry says alcohol IS a solution. So I win.
90% of your body is water. 6% is delusion. 4% is lies.
Remember when getting a babysitter for the night meant ordering a pizza and 20 bucks and not 25 an hour and not asking about their ankle monitor
My neck my back my allergy attack
doctor: im afraid we’re going to have to amputate a leg
flamingo: i’ll manage
spider: same
snake: i have a question
I have no idea what she’s talking about.
That awkward laugh when they’ve said something innocuous, but you’re thinking something incredibly dirty.
“There are 2 seats. Which one do you want?”
“Right one for me.”
“And you?”
“Am I left with any choice?”
I just figured out how to deal with a situation that I was thrown into in 1978.
I got an email from Nigerian spinach.
Pretty disappointed that the phrase “if looks could kill” is figurative
I bet the worst thing about being abducted is the whole country knows your real weight.
Today I cleared cache and deleted cookies without making nom nom nom cookie monster noises. Because I’m a grown up.
Jk. SNACK TIME! NOM NOM NOM
My wife hates snakes. But if they sold snakes at Target, we’d probably have a few snakes.
Me: What do you want for breakfast?
4yo: Bagel
Me: *makes it
4yo: Tricked you! I wanted toast
Me: Nice trick. Now, eat your bagel
Couldn’t finish the London Marathon. Gutted. Tried my absolute best. Just too tired. Maybe I’ll manage it next year.
Have put a film on instead.
me: i swear officer, i can even say the alphabet backwards
cop: not really relevant to this murder investigation but ok
Men over 35 are terrible at sharing their momma’s secret recipe for her most requested dish.
And now we wait.
Sometime in the night I think somebody replaced my skeleton with a different skeleton but I don’t know how to verify this.
Let’s join our hands together and pray for my husband who very tragically compared me to my mother.
my mother is taking me to see the monday matinee showing of the barbie movie as a mother should.
Two days in a row someone has tried using my Apple Card to buy flowers. Buddy, walk over to your neighbors garden and steal some roses like a real man. The world has gone soft.
Found the job I’m suited for
Me: Can you hear me?
Ouija board: Y-E-S
Me: Is it hard to hear me with all the updog?
Ouija board: I-W-I-L-L-M-U-R-D-E
My son asked for help with his math homework as we pulled into the school parking lot.
Then I laughed & laughed & told him to get out.