This might be the funniest tweet ever
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oh my godddd my cat just asked for food while I was making creme brûlée lmao what an idiot read the room Steven
*Buys map of world, pins it up on wall*
*Throws dart, swears to visit wherever it lands*
*Visits the middle of the Atlantic Ocean*
Some people age like wine, others age like milk.
I think most “Emergeny Exit Only – Alarm Will Sound” doors are bluffing, but I’m too much of a coward to find out.
One time, when the kids were teenagers,
we tried to ditch them on a family holiday.It didn’t work, unfortunately.
They found us.
[Record Shop]
Me: Hi, have you got anything by the Doors?
Shopkeeper: No, we have to keep all exits clear in case of emergencies.
Person: I evaluate the efficacy of new medications
Me: *nodding* a curator
If the headline just read “Kanye West Acts Like a Shithead,” news sites could reuse it over and over again.
So, Facebook is celebrating its 10th birthday. What do you buy for the social media app that makes you hate everyone?
My son fell asleep early, so I’m going to live like I did before having kids!
*cooks on front burner of the stove*
Me: I want Botox.
Husband: What for? Your forehead?
Me:
H:
Me: What’s wrong with my forehead?
My 3yo wanted me to use my real money to buy pretend food, and then complained I was buying the wrong pretend food, so I think he’s going to be a stockbroker
She said she liked a man with a mouth on him and I admitted that I too like someone with all their face parts.
Made a pact w/ my wife that if we’re 40 & kids haven’t stopped whining, we’ll meet at top of the Empire State Building so they can’t find us
Me: Any Costco requests?
Husband, who is out of deodorant, toothpaste, and work snacks: Nope, I’m good.
Give a dad a fish and save him a trip to Costco.
Teach a dad to fish and you can throw wild parties while he’s away on fishing weekends.
7 years ago today I swallowed gum….. and now we wait
*the force awakens*
*the dark knight rises*
*they make eye with eachother adn realize they were sleepig in the same bed*
AHHHHHHHHHHHH
*wears an “Only God Can Judge Me” t-shirt to court*
amazing how folks can pinpoint the subtle floral undertones in a glass of wine while i’m like “yo, is there mustard on this grilled cheese?”
“As a creative person I’m often asked where I get my ideas.” Yeah. As a creative person you often imagine people doing that but they don’t.
I realize climate change may be a problem but it doesn’t have retail employees I can record myself yelling at so what do you want from me
airlines: “you can purchase a can of beer”
me: 😃
“it’s $9”
😩
“there’s a 50/50 chance we’ll forget to come back and charge you”
😃
dad: *holds up condoms* what are these
son: …
dad: *pulls out matches* you’re gonna smoke every last one
HER: I’m breaking up with you..
ME: Is it because W e A re I N a Bl a k H o l e ?
C ¡ !
H
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! ! ! !
I should be getting paid for getting up at 3 am. to go pee.
If I’m ever in need of a hair tie, the first place I look is my cat’s water bowl.