This might be the funniest tweet ever
You Might Also Like
Doctor: How long have you been in pain?
Women: It started at 7:45am on Monday while I was at work
Men: Sometime between yesterday and 1997
Tinder, but it’s an app that you and your wife have for local restaurants, when you both swipe on a match, that’s were you go for dinner.
Europeans’ out of offices are like “I will not be working until 18 September. All emails will be automatically deleted.”
Americans: “I am in the hospital. Email responses may be delayed by up to 30 mins. Sorry for the inconvenience! If urgent, please reach me in the ER at…”
[hospital]
DOCTOR: Your wife signed a DNR
ME: I’m here for a sprained ankle
DOCTOR: She insisted
I was worried that Tim Kaine was too boring and then I remembered entertainment is what got us into this mess.
Given my love of animals and hatred of housework, I predict my cause of death will be choking on a fur ball.
I’m in a really dark place. The hamsters powering my reading lamp unionized and went on strike.
[being robbed]
Me: careful.. I’m ARMED
*whips out bible
Robber: lol
*pulls gun out of bible
R: oh
*pulls smaller bible out of gun
I keep a set of 5 airtight canisters on my kitchen counter:
Flour, sugar, coffee, tea, rage.
Them: I’ve got athlete’s foot
Cop: wh-where’s the rest of the body
I was like, “How many times do I have to repeat myself? I feel like a broken record!”. They were like, “What’s a broken record?”.
Him: You’re not like other girls
Me: [foghorn sound]
me: 11 can you come here
11: am i in trouble?
me: …no…but…should you be?
11: no.
me: sus.
[I open my lunchbox at work to find an apple]
“But that means…”
[Cut to Isaac Newton in 1666, jumping up from under a tree while wiping cold spaghetti out of his eyes]
[Farmer’s market]
Me: One of your finest farmers plz
Farmer: That’s not how this works
Me: Ok just give me some seeds & I’ll grow my own
can’t get enough of this specific type of Olympic event. happy to hear arguments for others
“Do you ever get the feeling you’re being watched?”
[from the bushes]
“No”
“Girl, same.”
– Midwife, handing a mother the second of her newborn identical twins.
How high are you when you try to change lanes during your spin class?
My mother talks into the phone like a combat soldier calling in air support.
boss: sorry, we have to let you go
me: in the middle of a work retreat?
boss *severing my rock climbing rope*
They called me hysterical, and I laughed and laughed and laughed and laughed and laughed and laughed and laughed and laughed and laughed
A Vampire Bat is easy to spot due to its funny accent and little silk cape
If you want to know how the week is going, I just took a pillowcase out of the dryer, put it over my head thinking it was a t-shirt to wear to bed, spent 15 seconds inside it searching for the neckhole, and then mumbled “what is this, pants?”.
Not having any friends means I’m always the pretty one.
me: can we go to the steakhouse?
him: stop calling the barn that. you’re making the cows nervous
Overhead an older lady telling her friend that she has “no faith in St. Martin” and I think more saints should be subject to user reviews
While we’re on the subject….
*throws your homemade scone out the window and breaks a windshield*
When my youngest was 3, he wrote “dad” on the coffee table in Sharpie.
When I asked him who did that, he glanced at me, studied the coffee table, looked me right in the eye and said, “It looks like dad did it.”
I continue to blame my ex-husband for this at least once a year.
[during prison riot]
cellmates: we’re busting out. you coming?
me: *shakes magic 8 ball*
magic 8 ball: ask again later
me: shoot hang on