Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

If Liam Neeson keeps starring in the same film pretty soon he’s going to be Taken 4: Granted

I was really getting my act together–eating right, exercising regularly, looking hot, feeling strong, and doing good work. Then I woke up.

Friend 1: Can you babysit on sa..
Me: Sorry I’m busy

Friend 2: Can you feed my cat while I’m on vac..
*knock knock*
Me: IT’S ME I’M OUTSIDE

If you go back in time to 2009 and tell anyone Daniel Radcliffe & Jonathan Groff would become Tony winning besties they would probably be like “Wow 2024 is a magical place” & then you’d have to be like “Nah that’s like the one good thing.”

[first day as an ambulance driver]

ME: *crashes into a light pole*

PARTNER: what the hell you’re not even in the vehicle yet

Can we talk about your pleated, cuffed corduroys, or are we just going to let it happen?

*waits for someone to have sex with me so I can use the ‘sex with me is like’ joke format*

You know you spend too much time online when you’re looking for a suitcase to pack for a vacation with your girlfriend only to find out she took it when she moved out.

I used to play computer games for three hours a day, but that was before I had a job. Now I can afford twice as many computer games.

Old men’s pants creep higher & higher up their waist into their armpits.
At the end of their lives they’re just a pair of pants with a head.

[the invention of ping pong]

“I don’t want this tiny ball.”

“Well, neither do I.”

“That makes me very angry.”

“Me too.”

Whenever my friends make drunk plans for brunch, I always feel like a shark tank judge. I’m like “You have no real plan, I’ve seen this idea fall apart before, and I know for a fact that you don’t have the money. For these reasons, I am out.”

Wasted my annual good hair day at work again this year.

Waiter: how would you like your steak cooked.

Me: like finding out the person you’re talking to in your DM’s is actually single.

Waiter: I’ll ask the chef if we can prepare it that rare.

[Bar]
HOT WOMAN: You know…my bed is kinda cold when I’m in it on my own

ME: Well maybe I could help you with that *leans in* just put a small heater by the side of your bed

[3 days later]
ME: [spits out coffee] DAMN IT

I wonder if dogs get embarrassed when they have to stand that way and shit in front of everybody. I know I do.

I scroll twitter wen I use the bathroom at nite bc I’m afraid of the dark, n that way I feel like all my mutuals r peeing w/ me

The card you sent said “Peace on Earth” but the glitter on my hand says you have made a powerful enemy.

Let’s not buy them two of all the same toys we said.

It’ll teach them to share, we said.

We are idiots.

her: wow you wear those jeans everyday you must have like 5 pairs

me: [owns 1 pair of jeans] haha, 6 actually

Telling my car to speak English when a dashboard light comes on.

Arguing over who really won the spelling bee but it’s their word against mine

Eggs Benedict implies the exsistence of Eggs Cumberbatch

Might get a little wild tonight and set the white noise machine to overheated laptop

commenting “so brave” on every couple photo on valentine’s day, as a treat

My wife doesn’t like me saying this but we “bumped uglies”* this morning.

*hit the neighbours’ kids with our car

I put basketball in my Apple Watch Fitness and it asked me to update my will.

“If you want to lose weight eat in front of a mirror, nude”. Tried it. All I saw was a happy naked woman eating cheese.

2/14/16 — The Day I Got Owned Online By 1-800-Flowers

i asked my husband to get something larger than the tiny bottle of olive oil he usually buys…