This might sound like an off the wall question. But what do you think of parkour?
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That moment at the flea market, when you realize you’re looking at a vampire killing kit.
The morning after pill, but for tweets
Wait for it
I didn’t say you are fat, I just said that going out with you feels like going on a double date
At marathons I like to put glitter in cups so when participants grab one and throw it in their face they get a party instead of hydration
I don’t want to imply I was anything special in college but I was the president of the Ramen Club for 5 years, probably would have been 6, except my parents gave me an ultimate that I needed “to stop putzing around and graduate already.”
Me: I’m shy
Tequila: Not anymore
[Wedding meal]
*taps wine glass until everyone stops talking and I stand up to speak* I need more wine
It was so windy today when I was walking to the gym that I got blown into the wine store
All along the watchtower, people squinted and said “I told you we should have built a clock tower.”
this coffee maker is handing out writing prompts for a choose-your-own-adventure vampire story
I took my dog to see “Fifty Shades Of Grey” and he loved it. Which surprised me because he hated the book…
friend: can you help me plan the baby shower?
me: sure. lather, rinse, repeat.
Ever look in a mirror wondering about the stranger staring back & then realize it’s your neighbor’s window and they’re calling the cops?
giddy up Office Depot
So what I ate my salad with a spoon, lf you give me a second date and i’ll show you how I tackle soup
Stop talking. They are staring at you. You are saying bizarre things.
-An Inner Monologue
My date didn’t go as planned and now I don’t know what to do with this kiddie pool full of nacho cheese.
ME: *doing crossword* What’s another word for upside-down?
WIFE: Inverted?
ME: No, in English Sharon.
Done with dating sites. I’m now focusing on pizza delivery guys because at least I know they have a job, a car, and pizza.
Licked a frog once.
He didn’t turn into a prince but he did turn into an ambulance ride.
JUDGE: I may send u to jail. But if u act less condescending, I’ll let u go free
ME [waving goodbye to my family] u mean condescendingLY
Bringing back this classic
Twister but it’s just me trying to get out of bed after our son, daughter, dog, cat, 2 blankets, 5 stuffed animals and a light saber found their way into it
People say I have a dry sense of humor. So when you hate everyone the word to describe that is dry now I guess.
If you add orange juice to Jason Momoa you get a Jason Mimosa.
instructions: stir halfway through cooking then put back in microwave
me: oui chef
Sometimes I see people posting astrology memes and go: “Is that what you think you’re like???”
Body: go to sleep
Brain: what country has the largest population of goats? Better run a search on this
The guy behind the counter asked me what I wanted on my sub and I said a collar and restraints and now I’m not allowed in Subway.