Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I’m praying for you…

So if a bird shits on your car right after you wash it…

That’s from me

Wore my hair in a ponytail to Walmart
and 4 people asked me to defend them
in Drug Possession Cases.

Court starts Monday.

You don’t know shit about pressure until you’re the only Black person on the dance floor while white people clap & form a circle around you.

Cop: My informant told me where the killer is

Chief: Nice. Did he give you a name?

Cop: No chief *frowns* my parents did that

Starting a small business is too hard. I’m just going to start a big business then wait for some of it to fail

I take it personally when the UPS guy drops off a package for my neighbors but doesn’t bring me one.

[True Love’s gf on 7th day of Christmas, forcing smile]
awww Swans! how sweet! thx hon, these 7 birds will go nicely with the other 16 birds

Try that* in a small town.

*not joining a pyramid scheme run by an ex cheerleader.

Walked out of the hospital with my newborn daughter on Friday to go home. Got outside, she took one look around, smirked and rolled her eyes. I couldn’t help but think… “she’s already smarter than me.”

Her: We had the baby! She is 7lbs 3oz, born at 9:08am. We’ll be naming her tomorrow.

Me: Tomorrow is a terrible name for a baby, tbh.

Disney’s Aladdin taught me that as long as you have a foundation of lies, actual magic, and one of you is rich, a relationship can work.

interviewer: describe yourself in 5 words

me: mathematically challenged

Haunted Houses should be open year round. Some of us want to get chased with a chainsaw in January.

mario: I hate you

wario: and I hate you

mario:

wario:

mario: do you wanna play tennis

wario: lmao hell yeah

Coworker: I ran 5 miles at the gym this morning

Me: Why

Greese be like we go together like shamalamghwejghsdiuoeqwhgiwjrsdkhjkgwidjskbgfiuegkajsfkj

It takes an entire village’s whiskey to raise a child

I’m the kind of guy who peeks under bathroom stalls and asks where you go for taxes.

(sheepishly putting my arm around pitbull) so is there a mrs worldwide

ME: OMG I CAN’T BREATHE I ATE WAY TOO MUCH CALL A DOCTOR

HER: do you want dessert?

ME: ok, but just a small slice.

IKEA furniture will now snap together
will no tools or hardware.

The company boasts that it will save
thousands of h̶o̶u̶r̶s̶ marriages

Brenda from work unfollowed me on here so now I have to follow her around the office all day reading my tweets like a news broadcaster

Me: oh yeah, obviously I want to keep it casual, too

Also me, a year after it ends: *crying to a David Gray song in my car*

CAT 911: What’s your emer-

CAT: THE PERSON PET ME

CAT 911: What were you doing?

CAT: SLEEPING

CAT 911: I HATE PEOPLE

CAT: I HATE PEOPLE

Startled by the sound of my own washing machine, yet convinced I’d be a badass in any apocalypse.

Me: I’m here for my photoshoot

X-ray technician: Please stop calling it that

That awkward moment when someone asks you “who do you like to listen to?” and you forget every band in history.

My period was late this month and my first thought after realizing it was, “I’m too young to be pregnant”.

Let the reader understand; I’m weeks away from 29 and already have two children.

Last minute gift idea:

Give someone a bucket of water and tell them your sorry their ice sculpture melted

*tapes picture of my missing milk carton to the side of your child*