This milk is so far past its expiration date that I’m only going to have a small slice.
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Any restaurant is a Drive-Thru if your brakes fail.
Just found out my girlfriend cheated on me, but I got her back by sleeping with her best friend. “That’s right, I fucked Gary you whore!!
“Oh, no, you don’t have any scratch paper?”
“Yeah, looks like we ran out.”
“I’ve been using that paper to take notes. I go through a stack of it every day. How did you run out?”
“That’s a mystery we may never be able to solve.”
You can tell me any plot of land is an acre and I will have no choice but to believe you.
don’t have the heart to tell my third wife that Coconut by Harry Nilsson was also the first dance song at my first two weddings
I’d like to do more voiceover work if anybody’s got a lead or anything. I sound like a freaky guy and am famous for accepting payment.
I just want to be as strong as the bond between two five gallon buckets
I hope 100 years from now people will read my tweets and think ‘Wow, she was unwell’
Just so you know if you have a ‘jump to recipe’ link at the top of your food blog I hope you have a nice day and may all your hopes and dreams come true.
“how to not gain weight when you schedule 10 dates in 1 week”
“YOU SHOULD BE ASHAMED OF YOURSELF!”
I scream at my bladder in the middle of the night
I had to cancel my summer concert tour due to lack of ticket sales too so I know how Jennifer Lopez is feeling right now
Somebody asked me for a topless picture so I sent this and I can’t stop laughing about it.
At what age do you have THE talk with your daughter about how she is not the princess of anything and she’ll need to get a job.
Is it 6?
ME: Hi, I have a 3 o’clock
RECEPTIONIST: Can I take your name?
ME: No. I need it for work
Why do I have so many fruit flies in my apartment? All the fruit I have is either gummy or schnapps.
If you see a guy in an executioner’s hood feeding a deer into a Coinstar today just let me do my thing.
Why do Tomb, Comb, and Bomb all have different pronunciations ????
no their not
Pro tip for Zoom court: ZOOM COURT IS REAL COURT
–Always be fully clothed
–Do not be in or on the toilet
–Do not Zoom in from the shower
–Do not Zoom in from the bed–especially if unclothed
–Don’t wear any hats/caps/bonnets
–Don’t make a full on omelet like that one lady
That feeling of unadulterated smugness that comes when you get the daily Wordle in fewer attempts than the rest of your family
Fun Adult Game: put your keys down. walk out of room. now try and remember where your keys are
“Shut up or I’ll eat your lunch.” Bad fight script writing or okay parenting? You decide.
Just pushed my cat’s paperwork off his desk.
It takes a smoke detector 4 months to stop beeping if you were wondering how lazy I am.
Me: What’s your favourite book?
Her: Well, I love 1984
Me: Ok, but just choose one.
Facebook’s targeted ads think I have a cat.
I don’t, but I visited a friend with one and talked about it out loud.
The most powerful spy software in the world is trying to sell me kitty litter.
Skynet is here and it’s lame as hell.
I had to call someone for work, but it’s been so long since I’ve done so that I just dialed the calculator app instead of the phone.
Why is aggravated murder a charge? There’s never like a passive and calm relaxation murder.
Baby rabbits🐰 look like wise old Kung Fu masters.
