This mom was judging me cause I was taking my kids to McDonald’s and I thought it was so cute she thought I gave a shit.
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It’s that magical time of year for parents.
School picture day is coming up.
The day schools will pressure you to prepay for pictures that your kid will absolutely have their eyes closed in.
My 7yo son has learnt how important it is to spell properly after I took him to a sweatshop for his birthday, as requested.
how to lose 20lb
step 1: gain 40lb
*I need to eat better*
post donut clarity
[at punchbowl]
Me: You go ahead.
Lady: No, I insist.
Me: Together, then?
*we both pour vodka from our purses in*
Just vacuumed my couch and found 16 bobby pins, 84 cents, 3 kinds of cereal, a spoon and a live hedgehog.
Hello and welcome to our “help! my toddler won’t stop crying because I wouldn’t let her nap with a slice of cheese” support group, there’s free coffee in the back.
Damn … History Channel 😀
#archaeohistories
Just heard we’re under a “heat advisory.”
Brought to you by the same people who advise us not to drive during an ice storm or hold fireworks when they explode.
My daughter asked me if I know how to do the Running Man, like my generation didn’t invent it. Anyway, that’s what brings me to the ER.
4 year old: I had a nightmare
me: don’t worry, it wasn’t real
4 y.o.: I dreamed every movie based on established I.P. will now be reviewed by a committee of nerds censoring anything that might be controversial with fans of the franchise
me: *terror rising within me* no way
It’s funny to me when someone obviously just learned a new word. My friend said “penultimate” like 3 times tonight. A plethora of times. Like, an absolute plethora. He kept saying it too, making an even bigger plethora.
The only thing worse than sitting down on a cold toilet seat is sitting down on a warm toilet seat.
The early bird catches the worm. And the late bird catches one of the other trillion worms left. What’s your point?
Just telling everybody I meet that I’m a Viking, nobody checks
me: oh god, look what the cat dragged in
wife: is it a bird?
me: yeah
mangled superman:
Parenting is like being a dive bartender: people shout drink orders, you have to listen to their problems, and the place looks like a dump.
Due to rising prices, Dollar Tree is changing their name to ‘Tree Fiddy’.
A car with a car rack looked like a police car, so I slowed down, only to realize I had been tricked into obeying the law FOR NO REASON.
Parkour or plastic? *bounces away with your groceries*
[Therapist appt.]
Hub: She doesn’t have her priorities straight.
*Me on FaceTime with a petting zoo in the background* “That’s not true”
[board meeting]
“So Mr Parachute do you have a name for your invention?”
“I call it the ‘Makes the Ground Come at You a Bit Slower’.”
“No.”
When I turned 18, my old man took us to the pub for my ‘first’ pint. Lovely gesture that was going really well until the bartender greeted me by first name and asked where the rest of my mates were.
I’m just one bad financial decision away from a flip phone.
Today’s the day I’m gonna’ make the onions cry.
The iPad Air is named after what’s left in your bank account when you buy one.
Weekends in your 20’s: Making rash decisions
Weekends in your 40’s: Googling rashes
I finally found my wife’s hiding spot for the Girl Scout cookies. Turns out they were in the cabinet like she showed me right after we bought them
(car dealership)
Me: Cargo room?
Salesman: No, car go outside