This mom was judging me cause I was taking my kids to McDonald’s and I thought it was so cute she thought I gave a shit.
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The gardener at my work put beer in the garden to catch slugs
SO GUESS WHO JUST BECAME A SLUG
DR: your IQ test results are abysmal
ME: is… is that good?
“I shit you not”
– Yoda claiming dibs on the bathroom
Me, a math teacher writing a problem on the board: who can solve this
Student, slowly raising hand: it just says who has a hot, single dad
My teen daughter wants me to “hurry up” getting ready to go somewhere and ain’t this some karma
WORK TIP: Respond to all your boss’s emails with “Heyyyy you!”
A company decided to stop paying its drivers, so one of them parked his truck on the owners Ferrari & left it there.
Zeus: And I will call it, “Pegasus”
Me: *Crossing out “Mareplane”* Oh yeah no that’s great
A existential ship hitting an iceberg is called a Whytanic.
Answer my phone? No thanks.
I’ve seen what happens to Liam Neeson.
I am travelling in the Mexican wilderness and have been accepted into a pack of pumas!
They protected me last night while I slept. Deeply honoured to say I think they are are also happy to let me have some of their breakfa
[flirting with Jesus]
So…is there a queen of the Jews
Don’t take drugs… for granted.
I can’t be a sellout. I have no idea what anyone wants.
I always pencil in 45 minutes in my calendar when asking my daughter a question.
Told the kids it’s gonna cost them $8/month to keep using my last name.
Truth or Dare would be a much funnier game if you told a truth and people had to guess the question. For example, someone says “Since we met” and the question could either be “How long have you been in love with me” or “How long have you been wanting to kill me”
Cinderella is my favorite story about choosing a spouse based on shoe size.
ME: I’d like to register my kid for school.
SCHOOL REGISTRAR: Sir, that’s a goat.
ME: *proudly* A BABY goat.
My body is a “wonder what happened” land
My new phone is being delivered by Amazon which means that I can track its movements for a day before it tracks mine for five years.
Apparently 50% of people prefer pizza to sex. What is wrong with people? Have they never had pizza?
I occasionally drink every single night.
Me: *Being strip searched*
Cop: The dancing really is not necessary
Dear Diary: Day 1 of being a gang member. Wore a bandana today, but took it off after a woman shouted “you go girl!” from across the street.
Remember when we thought 2016 was a terrible year and wanted it to be over?
Good times.
Someone just told me to dim the lights and called it a beauty tip.
Don’t go into a house that has candlesticks, you know somebody is about to get murdered
A news report says hackers stole $1 Billion dollars from banks around the world. And several pens.
My bank, who passed all 14 interest rate rises onto my home loan account, but only half of them onto my savings account, just sent me some tips on how to identify financial scammers