this month’s full moon is in virgo. you know what that means: you shouldn’t be friends with me because i will tell you shit like this
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I won against my toddler in Candy Land today and she for real put my player back at the start and said “you go here now.” Then she continued to play and then told me she won.
someone very mysteriously dumped 3-400 pounds of pasta in the woods in old bridge, nj …… i need to know everything
“Feels nice on the ol’ bits, don’t it?”
“That it do, Clyde, that it do.”
how to have an accident 101
Kids today will never know what it’s like to have a 3rd grade teacher who teaches every subject and even serves as dentist on fluoride day.
I was on my couch and my 5YO came up and put his arms around my waist. I was smiling like a fool until I realized he was looking for the remote control I was sitting on.
What’s Biden’s plan to make bloggers post the recipe at the beginning of the post instead of at the end
taco bell menu is like ok we have exactly 9 ingredients. which of these 38 ways do you want them presented fo you
I believe this to be the best photograph of a dog ever taken in human history.
There are zero recorded incidents
of mountain lions attacking
someone running
to the fridge for a snack.
Fun Fact: All the confetti thrown during the Macy’s Thanksgiving Day Parade is cut from a single CVS receipt.
Oh baby, were not going to need a ‘do not disturb’ sign. We’re going to need a ‘please don’t call the police were fine’ sign.
Wow, pretty rude for people to exist that are younger & hotter than me but OK
Saying please to a toddler is like being polite to a tornado.
Kevin Hart 🤣🤣🤣
Why do they make it so hard to dig the candy out of trail mix?
“An apple a day keeps the doctor away” even works on PhDs if you have a decent fastball
Shaggy and the gang are out there trying to discredit demons all while hanging out with a talking dog. My dudes, that IS a demon
Why is it called maple syrup instead of “log jam”?
My 7yr old fell and I wanted to say “Are you okay? Be careful.” Instead it came out at as “Are you careful?” That answer would be an obvious no.
A 12-year-old just yelled out the passenger window of his mom’s SUV that I don’t look very attractive (I’m wearing a mask).
I can’t begin to express how relieved I am that preteen boys want nothing to do with me, so I will never be removing this mask.
This kid is going places
how long are you supposed to age potato salad in the sun?
6am: makes coffee
6:20am: grabs cup
6:21am: plugs in coffee maker
Me: I have this strange feeling that somebody in this house is possessed by an owl.
Wife: Who?
Me: 😮
A clean house is the true sign of a broken WIFI.
Hard not to take this personally
[my son threatens to run away after I take away his iPad]
“Here $60. It’s all I have. Call if you need more.”
god: stop doing bad stuff
me: hear me out, what if i keep doing it but i feel bad after
god: that’s not the same
me: sorry ur breaking up
HANG GLIDER COP: I see a crime happening directly below me
[glides on]
Not much I can do