Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Cop: You appear intoxicated. Can you walk this line?
Me: No problem. Stay in the car Grandma
G-ma: Can he use my walker? He’s been drinking.

RRH: Grandma, what big eyes you have. And what big ears you have. And what big TEETH you have!

Grandma: You’re my least favorite grandchild

Life is not a sprint, it’s a Marathon gas station that’s always out of your favorite drink and someone is always in the restroom when you need to go.

[Masterchef]

Gordon Ramsay: describe the dish

Me: *proudly* ceramic, chef

Customer: can I pay with my phone?

Me: no we need dollars

My horoscope today just said “NOPE”

The most dangerous game but it’s just me seeing how many pages of a kids book I can skip at bedtime

Ran into an ex-girlfriend. We talked, exchanged info, and she said her “insurance would call” me. Someones still carrying a torch!

“What would Jesus do?” is an unfair question. He had superpowers. Your lifeboat is sinking. WWJD? Well, he’d get out and walk to shore. See?

During the bank robbery, I was the one who heroically soiled himself & cried in order to incapacitate the robbers with laughter

*pronounces UPS like yoops

5yo *oldest*: Dad, why do we have to eat our vegetables?

Me: You know what? Our first kid asked the same question

I can really relate to eminem in “8 mile” because my moms spaghetti is really bad too

I got my ID out today to buy wine and the woman in the shop said “it’s ok I don’t need to see it”. It’s fine…I’m fine

GOP in 2008: Obama is Hitler!
GOP in 2012: Obama is Hitler!
GOP in 2016: Ok Hitler actually had some cool ideas

my street gang has been walking down the street snapping our fingers in unison for like 3 days, we all forgot why we were doing it

my friend, ted: i hear you’re pretty competitive

me: yeah i guess so

my enemy, ted: want to play a game

Whenever I see someone crying in public, I figure they won Coldplay tickets.

“guilt-free treat” bro i’m eating a cookie, not on trial for murder

Ever tried to pinch a dried yogurt smear off your black leggings and watched in horror as a cloud of dust floated off of them?

Me either. That’d be gross.

I dropped a telephone book on my foot, and when I called 911, they just sent a police car to arrest me for having a phone book in my house

Teens: Euphoria from a first kiss

Twenties: Euphoria from skydiving

Forties: Euphoria from a price adjustment at Target

charcuterie boards are great bc where else can you consume thousands of calories worth of a mysterious cheese you keep eating bc you can’t figure out if you like it or not

We now live in an age where we rely on technology for even mundane tasks.
Think about it.
Some of you likely need GPS to find your backyard.

Fact: If you eat a slice of pizza fast enough, your body won’t understand how many calories are in it.

Asked my 6-year-old what she wants for Christmas and she said “a toy chicken that’s taller than Anthony” so now I can’t even finish my shopping until I track down this Anthony and find out how tall he is. Why can’t she just want a bike?

evidently it’s ‘not appropriate’ to call the embassy when the grocery store is out of brazil nuts

The world needs to chill out. There’s no way history teachers can cram all this bs into a semester

Im not joining no alternate twitter app not gon lie, if this gets taken down im starting a family