this morning a coworker told me “why don’t u make like a tree & leaf” & all I could think of as a comeback was “yeah, well why don’t u make like a coffee & fridge” (we were in the break room), so do I just quit now or what
You Might Also Like
14 said his friends called him the “drippiest” guy there tonight. Which apparently is a good thing cause I thought he fell into a pool or something.
I scroll twitter wen I use the bathroom at nite bc I’m afraid of the dark, n that way I feel like all my mutuals r peeing w/ me
Me: No serial killer will ever lure me into their murder van. I’ m too smart for that.
Murderer:
My wife says brushing my teeth when sitting on the toilet is disgusting but honestly this toilet brush is almost brand new
Cashier: I love your lip gloss!
Me: Thanks, it’s food court teriyaki chicken glaze.
Wife: Where are you going?
Me: Out. I can’t stand being hemmed in by four walls.
Wife: How many walls has the pub got? Five?
A concept so foreign, Angelina Jolie tries to adopt it.
At my parent’s house, or as I like to call it, the world’s most judgmental self-service laundromat.
You mean the stick figures on the back of your vehicle is not your kill count?
*slowly scrapes mine off*
R.I.P.
banking website: thank you for your transfer as a reminder the total you can move between accounts in any one given business day is $1,000,000
me, sitting on a milk crate in a studio apt i share with two other guys: ok
How did they get kids to pose for oil paintings mine won’t sit still for 4 seconds for a family photo
The good news is I’m pretty much who I say I am.
The bad news is I’m pretty much who I say I am.
Jurassic World: A generically modified smart 50 ft monster has turned violent and this, for some reason, took people by surprise.
Me: Clean your room.
Daughter: Won’t
Me: Do your homework.
Daughter: Can’t
Me: I’m taking your phone then.
Daughter: DON’T16 years later & the contractions are still coming every 10 seconds
What do the films Titanic & the 6th sense have in common?
Icy dead people…
if I was a horned animal fighting another male for a mate and I lost, I would just go up to one of the females after and be like “I won.” They don’t even watch
Dear lady arguing w/ the clerk over whether or not it is “good” champagne: YOU ARE IN A GAS STATION!
me: thanks for the new bath toy
her: you’re welcome
me: oh and it makes toast too?
SCIENTIST: it’s our thinnest toilet paper yet, sir. less than a picometer
CEO: *rips it by breathing on it* put it in every public restroom
I assume people who don’t hate people also don’t drive.
accidentally juuled in front of my mom but she only saw the smoke and goes “what was that” so i immediately said ”oh my god you saw that too?” and now i have to spend the rest of my life pretending my house is haunted
Cross a mobster in the streets. Horse’s head in the sheets.
[jungle]
Detective: I’d like to ask you some questions about a recent jewel heist.
Ring-tailed lemur: This is profiling.
Do regular dogs see poilce dogs and think “oh shit it’s the cops let’s run.”
My son asked me how diarrhea fits into God’s plan for us and I don’t think we’re going back to church anymore.
To all the boys I didn’t really like but then realized they liked me so I started liking them and then they stopped liking me so it made me like them more.
I remember when rollercoasters were fun, not a daily emotional existence.
Pro Tip: If your neighborhood is under a CodeRED shelter-in-place advisory for an armed suspect, don’t expect DoorDash to deliver your food.
If someone asks if I have time to talk about Jesus I tell them yes but they have to give me an equal amount of time to talk about Ducktales.