this morning a coworker told me “why don’t u make like a tree & leaf” & all I could think of as a comeback was “yeah, well why don’t u make like a coffee & fridge” (we were in the break room), so do I just quit now or what
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Dr. Seuss would have CRUSHED it on 8 Mile.
As a child, I thought that more recipes would call for Eyes Of Newt…
[boy spreads his little arms]
Boy: i love you this much daddy!
Neil deGrasse Tyson: on a universal scale, that is an alarmingly small amount
Please stop saying that a problem is a “real pickle.” Pickles are delicious, store well, and have zero calories. You are a problem. Pickles are fine.
There are exactly two (2) kinds of names in DnD
1) Ephena Solancae Diuturna of Theviara II
2) Smork Dirtbag
Good day meowlady
* tips cat
*speed dating*
So which of my teeth is your favorite?
I would enjoy running errands much more if there were beds I could nap in strewn about
The good thing about being tall is, you can’t get lost in a crowd.
The bad thing is, you can’t get lost in a crowd.
“p” in my name stands for patience and that’s why it’s not there
Clark Kent: *removes glasses*
Freddie Prinze Jr: wow I never realized how beautiful you are
My husband said we need to have an important talk, and guess what it was about? Time Travel. 👍🤣❤️
According to this box of spaghetti I am an Italian family of 8
It’s adorable when I bring workout clothes on a trip to Miami like I’m not just going to eat, drink, and sleep.
Every time I see the headline ‘tragedy on film set’ I think oh god m knight shymalan is making another goddamn movie
I’ve been turning my clocks back a minute per day for the last 59 days so this shit is going to be smooth sailing for me, suckers.
Me: Oh. I got that. I always use a natural product with an SPF of at least 50.
Contractor: That’s not what I mean by a good foundation.
I was seeing a woman called Rosemary for about a year. Whenever I went down on her I’d sniff and say “ahh, I love the smell of Rosemary”. She mentioned it numerous times as one of the reasons we were breaking up.
my kid climbed into the tub fully naked and still I found leaves in there after
me: [seductively] you have the posture of a dried up spider
Let’s get married, have kids and buy a house where it’ll either be too cold or too hot for someone every day forever.
When something with a lifetime warranty breaks, they send a hitman to your house.
My wife & I went to a costume party as each other. She walked around pointing at things, asking how much they cost. I showed up 2 hrs late.
Inventor of raisins: “What do you like about grapes”
me: the juice part, the freshness
Inventor: right but what if they had neither
Oh I must be looking sexy this morning…the donut shop glazed the hell outta those donuts
just witnessed a drug deal
[guy inventing wicker furniture]
think I might knit myself a chair
EVERYONE FREEZE THIS IS A ROBBERY!
“What’s that?”
It…it’s a sawed-off shotgun.
“Aren’t you supposed to use the other half?”
…shit.
I confused the words “tinker” and “tinkle” and my neighbor no longer wants help with her computer.
How To Be A Parent
Step 1: have a child
Step 2: your guess is as good as mine