Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

1. Get preg
2. Transfer ur soul to fetus using
Satanic alchemy
3. Give birth to yourself
4. Old body dies
5. Be a baby

When the client says “make it pop”, I can’t help but wonder if it’s my sanity or the website design they’re talking about.

Press 1 for English
Press 2 For Spanish

Press 1 or 2 for Indian

3: I’m going to say hi to that boy on the bike
Boy rides by & she waves shyly after he passes
3: He didn’t hear me
Me: Flirting’s hard

If you are thinking about leaving Twitter because so many of your old friends have already left, remember I’m still here. And that’s another good reason to leave

I’m trying to convince this guy that ‘jesus is the reason for the season’ but loansharks have a different perspective

Gas stations be like:

Here’s some complimentary filthy water and a filthy sponge/squeegee so you can “wash” your windshield. You are very welcome.

me: im depressed

therapist: try a good walk

me: will that work

therapist: yes *subtly gives a ‘thumbs up’ to my dog*

I have jury duty tomorrow so whoever it is, they’re getting the chair

*i got to get into bed but theres a walrus in there*
*i ask him politely to move*
*he wont move*
*i have to sleep on the floor & im annoyed*

Don’t worry, Donald Trump will declare bankruptcy and start a new country.

[first date]
ME: I’m having a great time
HER: I’m not
ME: *peeking out from my pillow fort* I don’t even let my dog in here, Janet

Me: *pointing gun* put all the money in the bag

Him: sir this is a food bank

Me: put all the broccoli in the bag

You’d think people would be more understanding it’s my first day as a tattoo artist.

I love my husband so much that I have a picture of his credit card on my home screen.

McDonald’s employee: for here or to go?

Guy who was born inside McDonald’s and has never seen the outside world: what?

This avocado wants me to hunt down Han Solo

My son was provoking me by repeatedly shoving a dirty leaf into his mouth so I offered him “special eating leaves” and now he’s a 4yo enjoying a bowl of salad for dinner

them: how are you

you: [desperately aware that herds are necessary for survival] normal

You get to choose which path you take.

I see some of you have chosen the psychopath.

I like to picture my mom in the middle of the crowd at a Wu Tang concert, hands on her hips, just shouting grammar corrections back at them

[spelling bee]

Your word is ‘impossible’

“Oh, well I guess no point in trying”

*walks off stage*

{first date}

Him: I’m 100% Italian.

*trying to impress him*

Me: Wow that’s so crazy my dad happens to be a calzone

Little kids only want to be independent when you’re running late.

“You will not marry him! He is not of our kind!”

But we’re in love!

“It is forbidden!”

*whale elopes with submarine*

Wife: I told you to baby proof the house!

Me: I did. That baby has no chance if it comes in here. The bear traps will make sure of that.

I want to know what ideas were so bad that “horny cows” made it on the billboard

how is March already THIS WEEK, I’m still processing the industrial revolution era of 1820-1840

i’m gonna write my will in cursive. if you want your inheritance, you’re gonna have to work for it