This morning at 4am, I was so tired – I nearly brought an aubergine with me instead of my sunglasses
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Doctor: Any food allergies?
Patient: Sometimes dairy products disagree with me
Carton of milk: That’s not true
I’m guessing that while more honest and accurate ‘Dancing With People Who Are Arguably More Famous Than You But By No Means Could Be Considered Stars’ just wasn’t as catchy as DWTS and really sucks as an acronym.
The movie Speed, except this bus driver apparently thinks we’ll blow up if he goes over 15 mph.
HEY. Our ancestors didn’t eat brunch. They ate rocks. And fought dinosaurs. Ever heard of fire? They INVENTED it. Enjoy your Bloody Mary.
“Oh you have a hot tub? You never mentioned it” said no one ever.
my husband and I were running from a demon who was trying to kill us (in a video game) and I was about to die bc I couldn’t find a hiding spot but then my husband gave me his hiding spot and the demon killed him instead of me and I was like omg babe noo and then I looted his body
I’m not fat. I’m famine proof.
Parenting is filled with wonder. Like wondering why your 4yo raced into the kitchen and quietly grabbed a handful of napkins.
Listen buddy, I never said they were for sale. I just put the “FRESH EGGS” sign in my yard to brag
me: are you telling me how to raise my children?
necromancer: trying to, yeah
When life hands you alligators, make gator aid.
Do Russia and Uganda realize if they put all their gay people in jail then jail will become the nicest part of their country?
There’s always that one guy
I believe the plural is “milves.”
*I describe my lost cat to the cops*
Sketch Artist: *draws my cat*
Detective Dog: *adds WANTED DEAD OR ALIVE beneath the picture*
what’s my dream career? the guy who bakes chickens and hides them in the walls in castlevania. next question
Guys! I’ve learned the secret women use to find things. Women actually MOVE THINGS AROUND when looking for something on a cabinet shelf!
The earth is moving, plz stop giving credit to the sun for rising
God: I made spring time so that all could witness nature’s rebirth!
Satan: I make people scroll down to find their birth year.
My husband keeps insisting we try 69, but I think we should keep the thermostat at 72 degrees this winter.
HEY TWITTER IF I WANTED 10,000 CHARACTERS THAT I WASN’T INTERESTED IN I WOULD START WATCHING GAME OF THRONES
It was supposed to rain this morning and didn’t, which is rude to the sweatpants sofa plans I made.
Wireless bra? What’s the password?
I wouldn’t wish death on an enemy but I would wish being accidentally hit in the back of the ankle with a grocery cart.
me as a parent
*Arrives at ticket stall with my girl* Me: Two tickets to the movie please. Attendant: For The Hobbit? Me: No, that’s my girlfriend.
*ring ring* Hello?
“If u want to see ur son again give me $500,000”
OH GOD PLEASE DONT HURT HIM
“I won’t if u-”
Haha gotcha, leave a message
When they said “it takes a village” I thought they were referring to raising a child not keeping up with laundry.
No one has done the dishes for like a week so I finally did the responsible thing and bought some paper plates.
Amazon thinks my recent humidifier purchase was merely the inaugural move in a newfound hobby of humidifier collecting.