This morning I brushed my hair with an American Girl doll brush because, apparently, she is the only one in my house who puts things back where they belong.
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The real miracle is that the human race still exists after being stupid enough to kill the guy who could turn water into wine…
Idiots.
Him: “What should I pick up for the storm?”
Me: “Nachos.”
“I meant essentials. We could be stranded.”
“Ohhhhhh. Then nachos AND vodka.”
[Texting]
My Brother: Here’s pictures from my 40 mile hike
Me: Here’s pictures of my second breakfast
[Outside ER]
Cop: “Sir, can you describe the vehicle that struck you?”
Me: “Absolutely. It was some kind of horseless carriage. A roaring metallic dragon with wheels instead of legs, with bright skin shimmering in the sunlight, passing foul vapors out its rear.”
One time my dad got mad at hulk hogan and yelled “YOURE WASTING SHIRTS” at the TV
My 11yo daughter is explaining to my 5yo son what Toys R Us was and he’s losing his shit.
Parents be like “i don’t have a favorite child” then use one of your siblings birth dates as a password
I have consumed so much potato salad the last couple of days, I’m sweating mayo
[commercial for kinder eggs]
are you tired of mean eggs
Last night my husband and I went to a party. I noticed he was “sipping” some brown liquor and I sarcastically said, “Uh-oh!” and pointed to his drink and he rolled his eyes and said, “I am an adult.”
It is 7:52 pm THE NEXT DAY and that adult has not gotten out of bed yet.
I just met a spider that jumped right at me when I tried to kill it.
And that spider just met a man that does not need to live in a home.
one mistake some cult leaders make is predicting armageddon will happen on a specific day. embarrassing to explain afterwards. if i ever lead a group of devoted followers i’d keep shit like that pretty vague
Her: could things get any worse?
Me: *adds raisins* there you go.
[during a plane crash]
Woman sitting next to me: OMG WE’RE ALL GOING TO DIE!!
Me: WHEEEEEEEEE!!!!
Doing squats. And by that I mean I’m in the squat position. But really the couch is holding me up. I’m sitting on the couch.
Best thing about drinking in downtown LA is that if u need a bathroom, it’s all around you
Romantic Emotional Stability Level:
I firmly believe “I could fix him” about Hannibal Lecter.
💯😂
Me: I want to be a part of the Avengers.
Nick Fury: What special powers do you have?
Me: *buys popcorn and doesn’t start eating them until the movie starts*
Nick Fury: Holy shit!
Was enjoying playing legos with my son until my wife tapped me on the shoulder and said he went outside an hour ago.
If you love something keep it in the refrigerator, keep it fresh, that thing you love is a lot like mayonnaise.
Today I learned that you never bring a ‘I did the dishes’ to a ‘you never pick things up’ fight
I heard you like bad boys?
*jumps in pool after eating without waiting an hour*
Sup.
When I see city workers planting a tree I’m like dude… who’s side are you on?
I’d date me.
But mainly because I put out.
Publisher handing my horror novel back to me with shaking hands: you need to lose the pop-ups
Sorry can’t. Calling NASA and making alien noises
When walking on the beach with someone, I like to pretend that I’m the ocean’s lawyer. “Sorry, I have to take this,” I say holding a seashell to my ear. “It’s my best client.”
Mom always said I had a special power. How did she put it? Oh yeah…
“Constant super-vision”
If the pandemic has taught us anything, it’s that everything can be done naked.
Walgreens guy: You still need to leave