This morning I brushed my hair with an American Girl doll brush because, apparently, she is the only one in my house who puts things back where they belong.
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Google Pay be like:
I’m cat sitting for my daughter, and she sent me three pages of instructions, along with a video tutorial. Anyways, what’s a cat? She never specified that part.
Movie idea: Family moves into haunted house; ghosts appear; family too busy staring at phones to notice; ghosts leave in disgust.
My OnlyFangs is just me snapping my teeth at the camera and biting someone occasionally.
My kids are running fevers and fell asleep on either side of me so now I know how it feels to roast like a gas station hot dog.
One day, perhaps, I will manage to send myself an email without thinking “ooh who’s this?!” when it arrives three seconds later.
When you show someone a photo on your phone and they start scrolling through your photos, it’s legal to slap their nosy face.
Me: I can’t get this damn sports bra on!
Him:
Me:
Him: that’s a plastic produce bag
Me: I FOUND IT IN THE MELON SECTION!
POLICE SKETCH ARTIST: is this the man who robbed u
*holds up picture of himself*
ME: yes
POLICE SKETCH ARTIST: give me ur wallet
ME: dang it
Honestly so convenient that oranges grow pre-sliced
Ummm 😳
[throws salad into a garden]
Go home boy…you’re free now.
fav for leaf bucket
RT for hot oil starch sticks
Go down a water slide without water and you’ll understand why foreplay is so important.
Old MacDonald was holding his calculator upside-down, 01313.
That awkward moment when you whip off your shirt and realize you never put on your swimsuit
Personal Trainer: Do you run?
Me: Only into people and places I’d rather not be.
Hobo-looking dad with preschooler who won’t stop seeks similarly afflicted for caffeine, playdates.
*LIGHTHOUSE*
BATMAN – You call?
L/HOUSE KEEPER – Shit, not again man. I am so sorry.
BATMAN – Dead seagull on the light?
LK -*Nods*
If your human doesn’t feed you immediately, run in front of their feet and trip them up.
~Cats, apparently.
Aladdin: I can show you the world
Jasmine: lets go to New York!
Aladdin: hold on
Jasmine: then London
Aladdin: wait
Jasmine: and then-
Aladdin: listen you wanna see Agrabah I can show you Agrabah
There’s a lot I don’t know about Christianity
Is it “butt” naked or “buck” naked? Either way, this dentist appointment is making me very uncomfortable.
[Michael Cera being repeatedly asked by a librarian to speak up]
ME: *spills red wine on carpet* I am so sorry
MY GIRLFRIEND’S DAD: That’s ok. So John, what do you do?
ME: *pulls carpet cleaning spray from my bag* Funny you should ask..
There’s no sticker warning me not to eat this box of nails so I guess I’ll just go for it.
This is hilarious
Lady in packed doc office waiting room: This whole county has flu or pneumonia. It’s crazy. My office has 30 people, 14 are out with the flu
Me: *quietly moves to opposite side of waiting room*
My prescription isn’t ready, so three toddlers at this pharmacy just learned the F word.