This morning I brushed my hair with an American Girl doll brush because, apparently, she is the only one in my house who puts things back where they belong.
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Breakfast for Stoners:
Concierge: Welcome to Paris, monsieur.
Me: You recognize this man?
*slides photo*
Concierge: That’s Pepe le Pew.
Me: If you see him you call me. *leans in* My cat’s been taken.
“This, too, shall pass,” I thought to myself after the dog swallowed a tube sock.
“You can check out any time you like, but you can never leave.”
“But after that I’m not responsible for any more room charges, correct?”
In the grocery store and this little kid asked her Dad “can we get ice cream after?” The Dad said “maybe” I then walked by and said “that means yes” and then I left BECAUSE I LIKE TO STIR SHIT UP WHEN I SHOP
My wheelchair keeps making a screaming noise when I run over people.
ROBOT: You cannot defeat us
ENGLISH TEACHER: Why’s the ch pronounced differently in orchid than in orchard?
ROBOT: [twitch, spark]
Juliet: yo I’m dead
Romeo: same
Juliet: OR AM I…
Does anyone else pack underwear for a trip like they’re planning on shitting themselves twice for every day they’re gone?
BE HONEST.
the first time you ever saw the name “joaquin” you said “joe-a-quin” & then you heard it pronounced on tv & you were like what in the hell
Waiter: What dressing would you like on your salad?
Me: Ice cream
I’ve learned something today – “dibs” is not the appropriate response when your best friend announces their divorce.
We’d been planning on using the $1.3 million from Jeopardy to buy a house, but now I’m thinking maybe I’ll just hold on to it for a year or two and then use it to buy Twitter
pretty sure no other member of my family knows we own a dishwasher
Obituaries always read, “passed away peacefully surrounded by family”, I want mine to read, “died in a blazing glory of incompetence”
If my girl didn’t want me to wear her new Christmas thong, she shouldn’t have said she bought it “for me.”
Women are confusing.
My what?
Why is it that in horror movies, no matter how many times I shout at the screen, the characters never seem to listen? I’m trying to save you idiots!
Why did the chemist’s pants keep falling down?
Because he had no acetol
My doctor told me I have acute appendicitis and I said “Compared to who!?”
The officer said, “you drinking?” I said, “you buying?” We just laughed and laughed.
I need bail money.
If you made her sweat, sweat till she can’t sweat no more, perhaps you should have taken a water break. Dehydration is dangerous.
Nature abhors a vacuum.
Nature isn’t too fond of leaf blowers either. And don’t even get Nature started on car alarms.
But that’s none of my business
I’m spirituality evolved, but I also want to slap people.
Let’s continue this argument later on when I’m alone in the shower and you’re not there to defend yourself
figure skating was invented in 1947 when a box of sequins collided with two knives
“What do you mean ‘stuffed'”?
This little piggy went to the market
This little piggy stayed home
This little piggy spread a swine flu virus
And killed 250 million people
dan dan noodles… the food so nice they danned it twice. thanks for liking my posts