This morning I brushed my hair with an American Girl doll brush because, apparently, she is the only one in my house who puts things back where they belong.
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3 am phone call, “Hey, are you asleep?” Nope, Im skydiving.
“Excuse me, but the sign says ‘No shirt, no shoes, no service.’ It doesn’t say a goddamn thing about no pants.”
– Me, drunk at Target
The first thing to do today is find out where I parked the car and then try to remember why I’m still in it
8: Can we have peanut butter sandwiches?
Me: No peanut butter allowed in the house. Daddy is allergic to peanuts
8: Can we buy some after he dies?
Me: Sure
exclusively asking for swords for Christmas and if I get even one everyone who didn’t get me one better watch out
I was in line at the bank when a man got pulled from the queue and escorted out by security, just for having sleeve tattoos depicting flames.
Apparently they don’t allow fire arms in the building.
every For Him gift guide is just like “have you considered sock?? what about TOOL??“
[in bed]
“No, I’m serious Amy. If this were a buddy cop movie would you try to avenge my murder even after the Chief took your gun & badge?”
On average, 13 people a year are killed by sharks, and 2 of those are stabbings
[creation]
PORCUPINE: So what’s my deal
GOD: Basically a fat lazy rat that eats sticks and your vision sucks
P: WTF dude are you serious
G: lmfao yeah bro
P:
G:
P: Can… I at least be covered in thousands of tiny swords
G:
P:
G: HELL YES THAT IS METAL AF MY MAN
[Arriving to cult meeting]
Cult leader: Did you bring the sacrifice?
Me, standing in a puddle of water:
Shit…I thought you said sack of ice.
[Lying on the grass, staring at the full moon]
Her: You looked different in your profile picture.
Werewolf: I forgot to check the calendar
Police – they really trashed your house, anything missi-
Me – hmmm? No, this is how it always looks
husband: *enters house w/ buckets of water*
me: what’s with all the water
him: you know FULL WELL
Pretty sure it’s easier to break a person out of a maximum security prison than break a Barbie doll out of its package.
[car dealership]
ME: [not savvy] i need a new car SALESMAN: what kind
ME: car
SALESMAN: haha what kind of car
ME: [perspiring freely] new
[phone rings]
Mum: your grandad isn’t well. I’m afraid he’s on his deathbed
Me: well tell him to get in a different bed then
Them: If you say more one thing you’re going to die.
Me: And another thing…
[first yoga class]
me: a mistake there has been
How often do I make chemistry jokes? Periodically.
I actually told one the other day. There was no reaction…
First day of packing for a move: *dresses each Barbie before putting them in a box*
Second day of packing for a move: *dumps entire contents of desk drawer into Target bag and ties it up with USB cord*
ME: I need you to look at my balls, doc *removes pants*
DR: Ok what seems to be the problem?
ME: *swivels hips sensually* Nuthin
If Google can’t find the answer, it’s not a question.
The people in charge of hell sometimes visit North Korea just to exchange ideas.
Receptionist: The doctor will see you now.
Me: *applying camouflage paint* I very much doubt that.
This took me a few seconds.. 😅
Please leave a message after the entire Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles II soundtrack.
Guys will say literally anything to get laid like “you’re beautiful” or “you can have my last donut”, shit like that
I like having multiple children because that way if one doesn’t happen to be screaming there’s always another around to pick up the slack.
Nothing scares me more than when my husband answers me and I’m left wondering just how much he’s actually been listening.