Gf: I ate that Twix you bought for yourself
Me: I see
Gf: Are you gonna over-react?
Me: Of course not, I know exactly what to do
Ex Gf: what
This morning I brushed my hair with an American Girl doll brush because, apparently, she is the only one in my house who puts things back where they belong.
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Widow: did he say anything before he passed?
Me: *tearing up* he just said “tell Sheila i love her”
Widow: who the hell is Sheila?
Me: Baby-proofed the house like you wanted
Me: Ya. Locks, fence, barbed wire, the works
Me: No way a baby’s gettin in here.
Wifey is giving me the Silent Treatment for spending the entire night on Twitter. Win/Win, you guys… Win/Win.
The ability of a morning phone call to trigger my anxiety speaks valiums
I really hate working late. My ride turns into a pumpkin and I always end up losing a shoe.
*snaps wife’s nighttime eye mask*
My cat looks at me like “I would have been a god in ancient Egypt, I’ll have you know”.
Love restaurants that put ice cubes in their urinals. Makes me think the ice is a bank vault and my pee is a laser.
I hate when I go to unbutton my pants because they’re too tight and they’re already unbuttoned.