This morning I brushed my hair with an American Girl doll brush because, apparently, she is the only one in my house who puts things back where they belong.

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Gf: I ate that Twix you bought for yourself

Me: I see

Gf: Are you gonna over-react?

Me: Of course not, I know exactly what to do

Ex Gf: what


Widow: did he say anything before he passed?

Me: *tearing up* he just said “tell Sheila i love her”

Widow: who the hell is Sheila?


Me: Baby-proofed the house like you wanted
Wife: Ya?
Me: Ya. Locks, fence, barbed wire, the works
Me: No way a baby’s gettin in here.


Wifey is giving me the Silent Treatment for spending the entire night on Twitter. Win/Win, you guys… Win/Win.


The ability of a morning phone call to trigger my anxiety speaks valiums


I really hate working late. My ride turns into a pumpkin and I always end up losing a shoe.


My cat looks at me like “I would have been a god in ancient Egypt, I’ll have you know”.


Love restaurants that put ice cubes in their urinals. Makes me think the ice is a bank vault and my pee is a laser.


I hate when I go to unbutton my pants because they’re too tight and they’re already unbuttoned.