This morning I brushed my hair with an American Girl doll brush because, apparently, she is the only one in my house who puts things back where they belong.
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Reporter: How do you feel that your proposal was turned down by Congress?
Obama: Well, I’ve alw–
Biden: [grabs mic] TURNED DOWN FOR WHAT?
Krispy Kreme is giving out free donuts to anybody who’s gotten vaccinated.
Not to be outdone, Cinnamon Toast Crunch is giving out free shrimp tails.
Batman: [sees signal] what’s the emergency
Commissioner Gordon: why weren’t you at my birthday party
Aladdin is my favourite movie about lying to a girl to make her fall in love with you
My glasses are broken but I’ve got a glasses repair kit except I can’t find it because my glasses are broken
My friend got stung by a jellyfish so I took a massive shit on his leg & he forgot all about the jellyfish.
It’s complicated.
-My response when someone asks if they can have one of my beers.
I don’t want to marry Bill Gates because he’s rich.
I want to marry Bill Gates so I never have to fix my own computer.
I need a Waze app, but for my walks. Instead of “vehicle on shoulder ahead” it says “person on trail ahead” so I can detour to avoid any human interaction.
When we were at the store, my daughter went up to a lady who was holding a pretty bottle and asked her what it is was and when she told her it was shampoo my daughter actually asked “What’s shampoo?” so I’m expecting a visit from social services any day now.
i missed therapy because i was up until 4am making this
A toaster is the ultimate bath bomb
My uncle started shouting at me about my “misuse” of emoticons and had a heart attack 😉
I wonder if Eric Clapton really thought she looked Wonderful or was it just the 20th outfit she’d tried & he just wanted to get to the party
This tweet was written by M. Night Shyamalan.
I bet you didn’t see that one coming.
Oh my God. Where are you?
Car keys: LMFAO
Someone accused me of being a coke addict and I was like oh my gosh thank you for thinking I have money
Husband: What should we do today?
Me: It’s up to you.
Husband: Beach?
Me: No.
Husband: Movie?
Me: No.
Husband: Museum?
Me: No.
Husband: Then what do you want to do?
Me: I don’t care. You choose.
ME: hey look it’s a *forgets the word snail* worm turtle
[Eating]
Waiter: How’s the meal?
Me: I dunno. Let me check
*pulls out phone
Me: Not good. It only got 2 likes on Instagram
Waiter: …
Do a little dance… Drink a lot of rum… Fall down tonight…
If I have to be awake, everyone has to be awake.
– birds
I cough whenever I answer the phone so people know not to invite me to anything.
Autumn. When libraries see the classics fly off the shelves as people look for heavy books to press leaves.
First dates are weird when you go and see a film. you spend two hours sitting and not talking, its like you have skipped straight to marriage
Doctor: We’re going to perform open heart surgery on you.
Me: Oh no…my feels will escape!
Hey waiters-I don’t ever ‘save room for dessert’, I just stuff it in there and pray to God I don’t have an accident.
same energy
A friend wants me to be friends with her friend. I now have one less friend.
Did you guys hear about the football player who hits women? No the other one. No the other one.