Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Random girl: OMG I love your UGG boots

Me: No No… that’s just the way my feet look

“Owen, you must hide this baby from Anakin Skywalker at all costs.”

“Okay. Should we continue to call him Luke Skywalker?”

“That’s cool.”

developing a crush on a writer is like oh great now i got all this reading homework

I count the fridge as one of my erogenous zones.

Friend: You’re Catholic?
Me: Yes
F: And you eat meat on Fridays?
M: I can guarantee if I’m going to hell it’s not for eating meat on Fridays

If I say “Good point. Thank you.” to your inane, mind-numbing reply, I’ve already hired a hitman who can’t be traced back to myself.

Remember, smoking doesn’t kill people. People who are trying to quit smoking kill people.

i’m the girl your mom warned you about… long nails, big eyes, purple tongue, green skin. i’m reptar. i’m reptar from rugrats.

This is a sub tweet

The only excuse for the kinds of storms that have been coming is that someone somewhere is losing a game of Jumanji…

Whenever someone else takes a pic of me I like to make sure both my hands are showing so it doesn’t scream selfie like my selfies do.

I’m thinking about redesigning my house with a brand new family.

me 10m after sprinkling lavender essential oil on my pillow: I am one with all beings

me 10m after getting in my car: learn how to use the left lane you piece of human shit

*forgets Netflix password*
*sends email reset*
*forgets email password*
*sends reset to backup*
20 resets later:
*opens 2nd Netflix account*

Not saying the carpet needs cleaning but I just dropped a donut and now it’s an everything bagel.

*Me making playground small talk with other parents*

“Congrats on the sex bro”

How it started: No kicking balls in the house!

How it’s going: Just do it in the hallway where you can’t break anything.

I have a stomach ache and my husband is mad at me for eating the peanut butter out of the mouse traps.

I’ve been told I can be a bit condescending. That means I talk down to people.

Poor character written by an author who has experienced poverty: My problem is that I’m $300 short on the rent and now my car is making a noise

Poor character written by a rich author: My problem is that I feel so inferior beside these beautiful, sophisticated rich people

I’ve had my phone battery die at a family function. Nothing scares me now.

Now that the coronation is over, perhaps King Charles will respond to my proposal for a noble quest.

CASHIER: $57.85
ME: do u accept food stamps
C: of course
M: sweet *presses my apple stamper to an ink pad* which hand do u want it on

Me: I’m really enjoying this disaster movie.
Him: That’s the news.

Me: I’m heading to the grocery store. Any requests?

12-year-old: You know the stuff you usually buy?

Me: Yeah.

12: Don’t get any of it.

why is my brain passive aggressive to me?
like, don’t make me feel nauseous after eating too much ice cream when you’re the one that decided we should eat the ice cream

VIRUS PRO TIP: DO NOT use your hands to press elevator buttons, etc. The virus can be transmitted onto your fingers which in turn can get you sick. I’ve found using my tongue works better bc theres no way it can get onto your hands

I hope you catch the bouquet at my funeral.

If my boyfriend really cared about me, he’d stop being imaginary…

I’ve reached that age where I don’t have to drink to forget because it just happens naturally now.