This morning I did ten sit ups. Doesn’t sound like much, but there are only so many times you can hit the snooze button.
You Might Also Like
[feeling confident] *trips on a leaf*
Going to church doesn’t make you a Christian any more than standing in a garage makes you a car…..
*finally finds comfiest position in bed*
bladder: so you’re not going to believe this
if I can survive this, I can survive anything
According to my kid, cops won’t give you a speeding ticket if you tell them you’re in a race because then they’ll understand you’re supposed to go fast
bigfoot
the abominable snowman
chupacabras
the loch ness monster
a unicorn
mermaids
restful sleep
dragons
a super walmart
werewolves
happiness
cyclops
a 2,000 calorie diet
santa claus
Looking good, Kim! #LNSM
If I were a cashier I’d pretend people were waiting in line to kiss me.
If I was Snow White you wouldn’t get me with an apple. You’d have to poison a taco or something
If a company’s hiring sign says, “Come grow with us,” you’re about to do the work of 3-5 people.
people keep asking my pregnant ass what my cravings are. when you ask me that question my craving becomes a gun and a double shot of whiskey
I met a microbiologist today…
He was a lot bigger than I expected.
I followed the link to your résumé but it brought me to some website called FunnyTweeter..? Anyway Im laughin my butt off, youre hired dude
mechanic: it looks like something was repeatedly shoved in and out of the tailpipe?
optimus prime: haha, I wouldn’t—I don’t know anything about that
Paris Hilton’s chihuahua Tinkerbell died yesterday. Purses are being held at half-mast.
You when you started twitter vs. you now.
What I’ve learned in life is that there is a time and a place to be funny, what I haven’t learned is to distinguish those times.
Raise your hand if you ever ran out of toilet paper and had to use a coffee filter.
So, just me..
Why doesn’t my new white noise, sound machine have a setting for “biology teacher rambling on about photosynthesis” in an overly warm classroom on a Thursday afternoon?
I’d pay extra for that one.
Me: Enough about me, what are some of your interests?
Dinner Date: I love Youtube.
Me: Don’t call me a tube [looks around] you soup face.
Me: Wanna hear a joke?
Dog: sure
Me: Knock knock
*dog goes crazy barking at the door*
sorry im late, i photoshoped myself as every member of Slayer
Hubs: You treat me like a child
Me: That is completely ridiculous. Now go brush your teeth, it’s almost your bedtime.
The difference between a hippo and a zippo is that one is really heavy and the other is a little lighter. Thank you, g’nite.
“The best things in life are free.”
– Kleptomaniac
Hey ladies, if you want a free pelvic exam, I suggest you try the old “gyne and dash.”
Based upon recent baking experience I have concluded that a loaf of bread should cost $75.
going to casually drop this here so everyone can worry with me
“I’d make an awesome president. Give me a problem, any problem.”
“Um, population control?”
“Kill all the storks. BOOM!”
(kids playing upstairs)
*loud crash*
Me: *slowly gets off the couch to take a look at everything we own*