Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

In Japanese, a cat sitting compactly with all its legs pulled in under its body is affectionately known as KŌBAKO-ZUWARI—or ‘sitting like an incense box’. The English equivalent is a CATLOAF.

me: how do i get a girl to like me

dad: be mysterious

[ next day ]

her: hello

me: i’m in the witness protection program

(Writing in food journal)

me: for lunch I had sa………
trainer: (interrupting) salad. awesome.
me: sake.

“…This one is TOO big. This one is JUST right.”

-my daughter, picking out her preferred public toilet.

What did people count before they counted Mississippis? Mesopotamias? Kathmandus? Cucamongas?

Someone asked me why I was wearing a fake AirPod… bro that’s my hearing aid

If you get an I Voted sticker for voting early, you should be able to scan it on your TV and all political ads should be replaced by normal commercials

[plastic surgeon]

please my credit card it’s very sick

her: thanks for catsitting! everything go okay?

schrödinger: yes and no

INTERVIEWER: why did you leave your last job?

ME: they stopped putting Kit Kats in the break room vending machine

[lost in Spain]
Wife: ask that man where we are
Me [pretending to speak Spanish with a local]: gracias
Wife: well?
Me: we are in Spain

One time I got fired for being too drunk. Not for being drunk. For being too drunk. I miss that place.

To those of you who received a book from me as a Christmas present: just to let you know that they are due back at the library tomorrow.

I’ve just found a mole on my shoulder.

I don’t know how he got out of the garden but he’s cute.

how come some families are all, like, “our ancestry can be traced back to some of the most important people who ever walked the earth,” & my family is all, like, “that raccoon is your uncle chet.”

8yo: I feel like you’re always making up rules and stuff

Me: like what?

8yo: like if we don’t pick up our room a portal will open and take us to another dimension

Me: well that’s what happened to your older brother

8yo: what older brother?

Me: exactly!

I got arrested for punching a mime and the judge sentenced me to six months of community theater

My husband just bought ice cream with raisins. So, that was a fun marriage.

im like a onion. peel back the layers and u’ll see that deep down inside im just a smaller more afraid onion

Shazam but for telling you the name of someone who’s only just been introduced to you 5 minutes ago but you weren’t listening.

When I was a kid, I got mad at my brother and told him people whose names start with J don’t go to heaven, and my mom just looked at me and said, “Jesus”.

I want to die of natural causes like being stabbed to death by a rainforest.

If you want my opinion ask my wife

I told my son to go pick up the dog poop and he slowly looked at his dad, “I would if the lawn was mowed.” He got real brave with that.

[ER]
HIPSTER: I fell off my acoustic motorcycle & broke my mustache twirler.
DOC:…
H: I fell off my bike & broke my hand.
D: Rub kale on it.

News guy: The average person will consume around 4500 calories during the holidays.

Me: Pffft… amateurs.

If you pull out a knife and start sharpening it, people soon stop telling you about their plans for Valentine’s Day.

IKEA challenge: assemble anything with drawers

IKEA double challenge: add cats

IKEA triple challenge: now wine

i replaced babies in these pictures with hotdogs to show america what really matters

Go ahead. Order anything you want. Money is no object when we dine at Le Foodcourte du Costco.