This morning I fixed the Keurig by violently shaking it upside down and suddenly all the other kitchen appliances started working correctly.
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Oh my God.
DAD: you need to look out for people
ME: yes we’re all in this together
[thump thump]
ME [slams on brakes] omg what was that?!
DAD: as I was saying
Told my husband that I was the prettiest girl in Walmart today and he replied “No offense sweetie, but I’ve been the prettiest girl at Walmart”
After all these years I still know how to make my husband moan loudly, I just ask him to do a chore around the house.
apple needs to start giving headphones for free again because if i have to hear that “oh no no no” tiktok audio out loud on the train again im gonna start tying people to the train tracks
[at urinal in restaurant bathroom]
Him: …
Me: …
Him: Do you come here often?
Me: No
Him: …
Me: I go into the stall for that
Those who ignore the past are doomed to flunk their history test.
[romantic dinner]
her: “I was hoping it might just be the two of us.”
ventriloquist dummy: “he said I help with his confidence.”
What was a common name in the Middle Ages? I heard people named their kids Lance a lot
“Hand me that pillowcase. Nope, that’s a coverlet. No, that’s a sham. That’s my nightgown. That’s a duvet cover.”
~Excerpt from my book, “Making the Bed with the Mrs.”
Pho tastes great for a food that sounds like it just gave up.
Babies are just like turtles, keep them in water and also feed them turtle food.
I bet the hardest part of being a server is having to wait until people’s mouths are full before asking them how the food is.
No, Clickbait writer, here are 20 household items YOU’VE been using wrong
I don’t wanna start the year with any negativity so if you and I have had issues in the past, apologise to me immediately.
“Say no to Lindsay Lohan.” – drugs.
Splinter: Leo.
Mikey: I’m Michelangelo. That’s Leo.
Donny: I’m Donatello. That’s Leo.
Leo: I thought I was Raphael.– Why they wear masks
“self-driving cars will have to answer split-second ethical decisions, instantly calculating the worth of the lives of the people around them. can AI solve the trolley problem?”
self-driving cars in reality: i swerved onto the sidewalk because i thought the moon was a stop sign
There are 2 words that have opened a lot of doors for me in my life.
Push and Pull.
My birthstone is a marshmallow.
I’ll be in the yard for a bit. If anyone asks, I’m outstanding.
going to rock bottom do you guys need anything
“Boo!” — cow with a cold
doctor: i’m sorry [consoling my family] he’s going to live
When I see an Olympic figure skater fall down, I feel represented.
most of being a woman is just removing exclamation points from emails before you send them
Kids be like mom look at me when you’re driving 70 mph on the freeway.
I’ve watched three episodes of “I Shouldn’t Be Alive” tonight, adding “outdoor enthusiast and survival expert” to my online dating profile.
I came back from the grocery store with a bag of fresh vegetables and when my wife asked what I’d bought I said it was a bag full of good intentions
8 [hugging me]: mummy you smell very good
Me [just showered]: aww thanks baby
8: not like before