Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

My cat thinks his name is Pspspspssss

Me: If you don’t like my rules, maybe you can find a different mom.

4yo: *excitedly* Can we really do that?

[bakery]

Him: This wedding cake is perfect for us! Look at all of the tiers!

Me: Definitely not happy tears

Him: What?

Me: What?

DOG BOSS: ur fired
ME: wait, is there any way you’ll reconsider?
DOG BOSS: no
ME: u want to go for a ride in the car
DOG BOSS: *tilts head*

“Girl, are you a tree? cause-”
“no i’m not a tree”
“..cause i want-”
“why are you still talking i’m not a tree”
“.. i want t-”
“not a tree”

Hinder: an app that locates available singles nearby who will stall your life in some significant way

I’m creating a new perfume for introverts.

It’s called: Leave Me The Fu Cologne.

The $40 delivery fee for my Ben and Jerry’s is steep, but I admit I picked the Lamborghini to impress my neighbors.

Doctor: so your blood type is-

Vampire: ALL of them

My friend and I had a running joke. She said let’s do a marathon and then we both laughed.

*demon enters my body

*20 minutes later, demon calls an exorcist

Girlfriend is on her way over. Aaaaaaannd history deleted.

*strips buck naked*Buck: Give me back my clothes !

You wouldn’t believe the number of times I’ve narrowly escaped death as an agent of a covert, black ops squadron. But my nephews would, and that’s why I’m looking forward to Thanksgiving.

I accidentally made eye contact with someone on a zoom meeting. I quickly looked away dripping in discomfort. Then I remembered it was zoom and we didn’t make eye contact at all, she looked at her camera.

“This joke wasn’t funny until the end” okay so that’s called the punchline…….

CW: Have you had 5 guys?
Me: *blank stare* That’s kinda personal don’t ya think?
And that’s when I found out it’s the name of a burger joint

Her hands were garlic breadsticks of action. Her face was a Cesar salad of expression.

My phone encourages me to get exercise, monitors my heart rate and tells me when to go to bed.

I think it’s one of the most nurturing relationships I’ve ever had.

[2052 pre-apocalypse]

Him: If only we had one of those old VCR cables, we could save the world

Me: (pulling out bin) SEE KAREN, I TOLD YOU WE NEEDED TO KEEP THESE CORDS

I don’t want to hear about any moonlit romantic walks on the beach…unless there’s a clown with a wooden club chasing you.

Having a heart-to-heart with our zoo’s laundry team about using our mooses’ antlers as drying racks.

do u think theres a butter planet?

found a guy hanging out in an alley in palm springs

me: wanna do something fun?

her: already have plans

me: *watching her wax her legs and pluck her eyebrows* our idea of fun is very different

My exes dying words were, “you’re obviously in one of your moods”

they should make a thing that holds your tweet that you typed up for 27 minutes and then sends it to you and you have to affirm you actually want to post that thing you typed up 27 mins ago

Well I guess it’s time to learn my kids’ names.

[cranking up the heat on my slow cooker]

Me: *whispers* slow cook it faster

The most unbelievable part of any Christmas movie is that characters my age are homeowners