Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I walked a girl home last night, and things got a little awkward at one point.

She turned around and found out I was walking her home.

Went for a run last night and saw one of my neighbors already has his Christmas lights up

All I could think was, why the hell am I running rn?!

Worst feeling in the world is when you are loyal to all your 6 girlfriends but your favorite one is cheating on you!!

A moment of silence please for the bottle of wine I just dropped.

It was a tragic accident.

Gone too soon.

They say the camera adds 10 lbs.

Looks like fast food added the other 40.

All kids are born with a sixth sense that lets them know the absolute worst time to ask for something.

Godzilla represents a desire in all of us for our reputation to shift from being seen as a baddie to a good guy while changing our behaviour in no way, shape or form.

Alexa play Metallica…

Alexa play Metallica…

Alexa play Metallica…

Wife: what are you doing?

Me: Trying to get this piece of shit to play some music

Wife: Well 1st off, that’s my coffee thermos you moron…

I asked my 13-year-old what time I need to pick her up tonight. She told me to check the practice schedule she already gave me. That’s the kid version of “as per my last email.”

When you forgot you made garlic sauce with the sour cream, and then proceed to bake banana bread.

Anyone want some garlic banana bread?

me: the show is at 7, want to get there at 6:45?
dad: sure 6 it is
me: i said 6:45
dad: yup 6
me: 6:30?
dad: right we’re on the same page, 6
me: we don’t need to get there an hour early
dad: we can’t arrive right at showtime
me: there are other options
dad: i don’t understand

I tried to help by doing my daughter’s hair once and a kind old lady offered her a hot meal and a warm place to sleep.

Roses are red, violets are blue, vodka costs less than a dinner for two.

I picked up a big pack of toilet paper in Walmart and some dude was on the same aisle like “dang sir what you gonna do with all that…” I wasn’t aware this needed an explanation but here we are

I’m not making a decision on who to vote for until I see the latest results from dogshit7’s Twitter poll. It’s important to have all the facts.

[nudging the person next to me on the bus until they remove their earbuds]
hey i think i saw a horse a couple miles back

The pointless tidy up before a play date.

I just did my budget for June. If I don’t buy food … I won’t need toilet paper.

I think I’m on to something here.

I have decided to stop exercising and just learn Photoshop.

You could date someone willing to catch a grenade for you I guess that’s cool but how about someone who always carries a tennis racket, wouldn’t that be a bit smarter?

[ Police interrogation room ]

Perp: I ain’t telling you shit.

Bad cop: We have ways to make a smooth criminal talk.

Thriller cop: You look like a pretty young thing.

Perp: I moisturize. Still ain’t telling you shit.

*blowing up your phone at 3am*

I get it now. Skeletor is the hot one. Not He-Man.

Officer: Can you identify the burglar’s screwdriver from these ten pictures? And his headwear from these ten?
Me: It’s tool eight; Fourth hat.
Officer: We won’t catch him with that attitude, sir.

I just asked the kid working at McDonald’s if the shamrock shakes were made with fresh shamrocks. He went to ask the manager. 😳

(before sex)

*sings national anthem

I’ve never played Jenga, but I have had to extricate myself from a sleeping toddler in my bed, so I think I could handle it.

Too bad mosquitos are not into human fat the way they are into human blood

The glove snap before the prostate exam isn’t necessary. We just do that to mess with you.

That guy who just spent 2 hours washing and waxing his sportscar looks like a douche. C’mon boys, you know what to do.

– Birds, probably

haha same