this morning i found a spider trapped in its own web and i was like, dude, same
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I just saw a guy with the Monster energy logo tattooed on his neck, so if your village is missing their idiot, we have him.
“You’re only as old as you feel.”
Me, feeling 300 yrs old: Yes, thank you. So inspiring.
*donates body to science*
Science: “I have a boyfriend”
At Walmart during the holidays like..
“KIDS, GET YOUR SHOES ON WE’RE LEAVING FOR SCHOOL IN SIX HOURS!!!”
— Centipede parents
ME: what’s wrong with my dog
VET: he appears perfectly healthy
ME: i give him a stick and he just stares at it
VET: …
ME: even if I go long, he refuses to throw it
Good morning
10: *mischievously to her sister* One foot, two feet, so for one boot, it’s two beet.
7: Noooooo, it’s booties!
It’s always uncomfortable when someone says you might be their soulmate, and you have to tell them you don’t have a soul.
Christmas Warning:
Every guy dressed in red that asks you what you want while you sit on his lap, is not Santa.
When I die, I’d like my coffin to be filled with Reese’s Pieces so on my headstone it can say “R.I.R.P.”
People be like “You knew what you were signing up for when you had kids” as if we had any idea we’d have to homeschool them through a global pandemic
For all those men who say”Why buy the cow when you can get the milk for free?”
I say: why buy an entire pig just to get a little sausage!
I first experienced deep shame and humiliation when my mom told me I should probably start saying “train” instead of “choo-choo train” while I was still at the tender age of 27.
I AM NOT REALLY YELLING AT YOU I JUST GOT USED TO TALKING TO MY TEENAGER WHO ALWAYS HAS HEADPHONES IN
I just watched the uncut version of Scarface…….it’s called Face.
My kids’ school sends home so much artwork I’ve had to buy 8 refrigerators since September.
I painted a hot chick with big jugs
Recently, I’ve been politely refusing all invitations with, “I’d rather drink my own blood.”
Accordion to a recent survey, inserting musical instruments into sentences largely goes unnoticed.
I just switched my doorbell to the sound of a shot gun loading.
Your Hunger Games name is the last injection you got plus the last thing you stepped on. I’m Tetanus Woodscrew
Good cop: I get it. You wanted an easy way out.
Laptop: Please update Adobe.
I got new glasses with anti-glare lenses but I’m looking at my wife right now and, boy, they clearly do not work
Girl, are you a glass of water because I think you’re about to throw yourself at me.
Got kicked out of my motorcycle gang again for trying to sell essential oils
Arrange marriage are scary. What if my husband doesn’t like my boyfriend? 🙄
Twitter: Don’t say a word for 7 days. 60 women unfollow you.
Real life: Don’t say a word for 7 days. Every woman wants to marry you.
horse: these pants fit me perfectly
sales clerk: very good sir
horse: *quietly* I’ll need two pairs
sales clerk: *discretely* of course