this morning i found a spider trapped in its own web and i was like, dude, same
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what idiot named them vampires instead of hemogoblins. pretend it’s ten years ago. enjoy yourself
It took 3 minutes to get my baby out via c-section and yet it takes me a solid 15 minutes to get a toy out of its packaging!?!?
Why am I easier to open than a toy?!?
In my day, Frozen 2 would’ve been released directly to VHS with a new Olaf who sounds weird, and we would’ve been GRATEFUL.
They saddled up the horses and headed into town. The hills were quiet and ominous. A lone coyote howled. An owl hooted. Crickets chirped. An eagle made an eagle scream. A rattlesnake rattled. A hissing beetle made a sound that was indescribable
Cop: do you know why I pulled you over?
Me: is my trunk open?
Cop: no.
Me: then it’s definitely not for the body in my trunk
Been yelling i need a job at my phone for 6 hrs each day so that I get targeted ads about jobs. Now the jobs are looking for me.
got kicked out of a funeral for tossing a beach ball into the audience
I asked my 5 yr old if she wanted to help me make a cake and she said that she doesn’t make cakes. She eats them.
Her face will be on currency one day.
Exposing kids to violent video games is appalling. They should be in church praying to a bloody statue of a man nailed to a cross in agony.
“I’ll go when the cat gets up”
11-year-old: Can I join the swim team? You won’t have to do anything for it.
Me: Who’s going to get your to and from all the practices and meets and pay for everything?
11: Other than that.
hello darkness my old friend
why are you here it’s 6:00 pm
[ad for milk]
give your Skeleton strength for the war to come
[first date]
HER: So, I hear you’re a dog person-
ME: [tucking my tail between my legs] WHO TOLD YOU
Doctors say “internal bleeding” like it’s a bad thing. Blood is supposed to be internal, idiots.
Husband: “What’s for dinner?”
Me: “Nothing”
Husband: “I had that last night!”
Me: “I know,I made enough for two nights.”
Pretend you’re a kangaroo by sticking a photo of your child out of the top of your trousers.
I’m renovating and I can’t decide if I should start with the plumbing in the kitchen or the pool.
It’s either sink or swim.
#PlumbingDay #RubbishJokes #DadJokes
Me: So my gf and I hit Bigfoot with my Ferrari and when we got out to check on it we were abducted by aliens who brought us to the lost city of Atlantis and imbued us with superpowers.
Them: Pfft. You don’t have a gf.
I would request a bunch of Ambien as my last meal so I would look hardcore as hell by falling asleep at my own execution
Judas is buying everyone shots.
Seems to have a bit more cash than normal…..
Good for him
Taco is a crispy sandwich. I will not be taking calls to change my mind.
My mom found a Barbie Dreamhouse at a garage sale when I was a kid, but all the stickers were ripped off so I drew on appliances and wallpaper. Debbie, down the street, called it Barbie Crackhouse and now she wants to be my friend on Facebook? Ha!
[arrives at party]
ME: This was a good idea.
*30 seconds later*
MY WILL TO LIVE: I’m gonna go wait in the car.
Wife: I told you to dress our daughter in her purple shirt.
Me: I did.
Wife: That’s mauve.
I hate it when she makes up words.
[1st date]
date: …you said you had abs
me: [squints] everyone has abdominal muscles, Susan
“Drop it like it’s hot,” is my favorite song about dropping stuff that’s hot.
Admitting you have a problem is half the battle. Convincing everyone else that they’re the problem is the other half.
‘Was that really necessary?’
~slapped newborns
It’s hard to explain to people who love Facebook that I am not on Facebook because of the people who love Facebook.