This morning, I held the door open for a woman and her entire entourage, and she didn’t even acknowledge me. So when she came out of the restroom with a panty liner stuck to the back of her dress, I returned the favor and didn’t acknowledge her either.
Babybel you stay on my mind
fulfill my fanta-cheese.
1980s : average parent ; 4 kids
2016: average kid ; 4 parents
A zendetta is when you launch a blood feud against a killer who murdered your entire family, but remain pretty chill about the whole thing.
How strict is the “I licked it, it’s mine” policy?
There’s some things I’ve licked that I don’t want.
My wife wants a Ring Doorbell. I claim not to want one because of security concerns but in reality I don’t want her to find out how much food I have delivered when working from home.
At the pediatrician’s office:
Me: I know every word to every song I have ever heard.
Receptionist: Great, but I asked for your son’s birthday.
Me: ……
Me, mumbling: There’s a reason they don’t let parents drop off teenagers at the fire station.
My fifteen-year-old son: They will never be able to extinguish my fire.
The vampire myth probably started with a really bad hickey
Love this guy
If Satan ever loses his hair, there’ll be hell toupee
This is going to be my year.
WebMD: paranoid schizophrenia
I can’t believe they have an entire Clinic just for studying Mayo.
A couple approaches on the beach. He calls her “Allison.” I write, “Marry me, Allison,” in the sand and hide. And now we wait.
Writing advice: Write well, not badly. Keep writing until the book is finished. After you’re finished, get the book published. Sell a lot of copies, not just a few.
Me: I live on an Emu farm.
Them: are all of the animals really sad?
Me: Emu not emo.
Hey
@Boeing
, my neighbor Gary that mows at 8 am, is saying a lot of bad things about your company. DM me for address.
My cousin: “i just closed a big deal today that is going to make me a ton of money!”
Me: “some guy name Queef Nuggets RTed me”
Gonna teach a bunch of old white guys the word “bae” so teens stop thinking it’s cool and it goes away forever.
Bartender: I’m cutting you off. only water from now on
Jesus: [sarcastically] oh no
[skating together on a frozen pond]
Her: Isn’t this romantic?
Me: *sees a ‘danger thin ice’ sign, makes a beeline for it* hell yeah
Me: I’d like to withdraw some daylight from my savings please
Bank: sorry no
Me: look I’ve been inside for 8 weeks now, there must be *something* in there
Bank: ok thats not really how this works
Me: omg this is daylight robbery
People: Dogs can always sense someone’s true colors.
Dogs: WTF is “colors”?
Earth: Goodnight Moon
Moon: …
Earth: I said ‘Goodnight Moon’
Moon: …
Earth: Look, I don’t choose which days they celebrate
Moon: Whatever
[Sees girl watching Star Wars]
“Oh I love that movie, the way” *starts to sweat* “All those stars are at war with each other”
Literally no one understands something more completely than a woman in a meeting who starts a question with “Just so I understand…”
I’m not afraid of the Bermuda triangle or any triangle really. Even played at its most aggressive it’s just not a threatening instrument.
No one makes fun of your cargo pants when you start pulling little bottles of liquor out of them at the PTA meeting
An autocorrect with a pulse is called a wife.
People falling down has become a lot less funny now that I’m in my 40s and can incur permanent bodily damage from like yawning wrong
Boss: *gives us company jerseys as a perk*
Me: Master has presented Dobby with clothes.
