This morning, I held the door open for a woman and her entire entourage, and she didn’t even acknowledge me. So when she came out of the restroom with a panty liner stuck to the back of her dress, I returned the favor and didn’t acknowledge her either.
If James Bond is so great why doesn’t he have a Pringles flavor.
Me: I want you to have this bracelet. it belonged to my grandmother.
Her: why does it say “do not resuscitate”
10:20
10:25
10:21
10:23
10:22– Parallel parking my time machine
LOL at vegetarians coming to my house for a BBQ! Feel free to eat my lawn.
L-O-L!
Ad exec 1: Ok, we’ve really got to corner the market on condoms. First we name the company Trojan, you know like the Trojan horse, and then we-
Ad exec 2: Wait, wait, wait, wasn’t the whole point of the Trojan Horse to SNEAK THEM IN?
Ad exec 1: Shut up, it’s reverse psychology.
Jaguar or leopard, it’s not going to matter in about two leaps.
Newlywed advice: Grab the covers on the first night and tuck them under your side like you’re staking down a tent
instagram always coming through for me with ads for things i want, and can afford, and can convert into a device for time travel
the ability to go around and chit chat with anyone at work is a skill, i’m considered to be a local yap star
it isnt your fault that you are unhappy and unsuccessful. in my 6 week online course i will teach you the true reason why your life is bad: a witch cursed you with “misery orb” at birth. i will show you how to locate and extract the orb from your brain using household items
Reminder that April is Procrastination Awareness Month. It’s finally my time to shine…
Aw beans
amazon prime: select delivery window
me: *types* the bathroom one
[climbing out of a dumpster] believe it or not, I am here to help
After a long day of tweeting I like to relax with a hot cup of wtf am I doing with my life?
I don’t like when they use “late” to describe a deceased person. It’s like give a guy a break on his attendance, he’s dead.
Someone robbed a Pensacola Mini Mart stealing 300 cases of Red Bull. How do these people sleep at night.
Strawberry is a terrible name. “Ooh, a berry with all the flavor of a straw,” you’d think. But you’d be wrong
ME: *watching a meteor shower
METEOR: Can you get out of my bathroom.
He died doing what he loved.
He didn’t know she was married.
Guy who invented sheet music: I’m going to use dots and lines to represent notes
Me: couldn’t you use just use the letters they are named aft-
Guy: the swirly symbol will be different than the swoopy one
Me:
Guy: some dots will get tic tac toe boards
Gmail search is amazing. You can search something like “flight sacramento receipt 2023” and it will somehow manage to serve up literally every email in your inbox that isn’t the receipt for the flight you just took to Sacramento.
Nurse: I’ve never seen anything like it
Me: I’m not surprised
Doctor: You’re the first patient I’ve had with a blood type of *checks chart* chocolate milk
Every time I think the younger generation is stupid, I remind myself that we took a long time to figure out that WWF was all fixed !!
Tell me I’d look good in a potato sack or lose me forever
Starting all my work emails today with, “to whom it’s about to concern”.
I’m proud of my age even if my birth certificate was carved in stone.
long ago, the four philosophers lived together in harmony
I get it, drug commercials. I too like to dance while I describe all my side effects
