This morning I noticed my neighbor was talking to her cat. It was obvious the poor woman thought her cat understood her.
When I got home I told my dog about it. We laughed so much!
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I have no passwords left in me
People without kids who give other people’s kids messy or annoying toys..
Imagine that we gave you a monkey with a kazoo and fingerpaints..
I can feel my cat judging me as I lick the spilt gravy off of her coat.
I met with a well-dressed group today at work. They all wore a black and white suits and dresses. For some reason, I chose a bright yellow shirt & a chunky red necklace today. We took a picture and the effect was very casual Friday Ronald McDonald hanging with formal Hamburglers
The strawberry frosted pop tart was resplendent.
That’s right, I learned a new word today. Pop-tart; a thin breakfast pastry filled with jam and cooked in a toaster.
Being a parent means often saying your child is shy rather than “he sees how creepy u are, that’s why he doesn’t want to shake your hand”.
“Oh my god I can’t believe someone would pronounce my name exactly how it’s spelled!!!”
– people with stupid names
curly fries are my favorite as they’re salty and spiraling, like me.
I tried to explain Twitter to my Mom and she said, “Sounds like group therapy where no one ever gets better”.
wife: STOP, you’re turning into your father
me: well, he shouldn’t be standing in the driveway like that
Worst Excuses For Being Late
5) Too many dragons
4) Out of dragons
3) I’m not late, Steve is
2) Time is fake
1) Made a list of excuses
Mushrooms are about 75 years away from inventing the computer but for now, bon Appetit
when I was your age we had to wait 10 minutes to log into the internet
and we liked it
Spring chickens aren’t as comfy as memory foam chickens.
ME: let me be frank
DAD: [eyes widen]
ME: and if you say hi Frank I’m dad, I’m gonna be real pissed
DAD: fair enough GonnaBeRealPissed
not enough rap songs about your grocery store suddenly changing their layout
I saved a ton of money on a security system by hanging a bunch of shitty wind chimes throughout my house.
Fun fact: Taking a box of condoms to the pharmacist’s window and asking for the fitting room will get you thrown out of Target.
Two hundred dollars for a women’s blazer?? Am I paying it to do the work for me??
wife: how many beers is that for you?
me: yep
This Halloween I’m going as that friendly guy who walked around your college campus but wasn’t even enrolled & turned out to be 28 & then disappeared completely
‘Yes, sir. He’s barricaded himself in. He’s taken two sausages’
Cat 911: What’s your emergency?
Cat: I knocked everything off the tables now I’m scared!
Cat 911: Seriously?
Cat: No, LOL!
Cat 911: LOL!
You think you’re having a hard day? I’ve had to listen to someone chew AND lick their fingers clean
Always
Dear prisoners: How about liquid soap?
You’re welcome.
boy pyromaniac: *starts first fire*
Dad pyromaniac: “im so prou-”
Mom pyromaniac: “dont say it!”
Dad pyromaniac: “im so proud of arson”
why do “youngster” and “elderly” get to be words, but “oldster” and “youngerly” don’t?
Some creepy guy with a mustache is running on the treadmill next to me at the gym…never mind, it’s a mirror.
How long do you wait before you introduce your girlfriend to your child? For arguments sake let’s say you’ve been dating for 3 years and the child is 6 weeks old.