This morning I noticed my neighbor was talking to her cat. It was obvious the poor woman thought her cat understood her.
When I got home I told my dog about it. We laughed so much!
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Childbirth is so beautiful
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Who called it a one night stand and not a humpty dumpty
[physical exam]
PROCTOLOGIST: can you tell me how many fingers i’m holding up?
Airbud was on a human basketball team. I want to see a human running as a dog on a sled dog team.
You have your whole life ahead of you. They threatened
Cross a mobster in the streets. Horse’s head in the sheets.
File under excellent bookstore names.
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explaining “the ring” movie to younger generations
me: so you watch this video cassette
them: a what?
m: and then you get a phonecall
t: oh please god no
Imagine being hungry and some guy tries to teach you to fish
I always keep a shotgun under my bed in case a horse sneaks in and breaks his leg
I have one of those metal briefcases handcuffed to my wrist and inside…my grandmother’s meatloaf recipe.
I’ll never forget the day we met. That’s the great thing about police records
That’s not how days work.
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Him: Everything happens for a reason
Me: Tomorrow is yesterday’s bosom
Him: What
Me: Oh, I thought we were doing a thing where we both say dumb shit
When someone tells me they’re a doctor or an engineer all I can think is: “wow your parents must’ve yelled at you to do your homework a lot”
Dm: Hi
Me: but have you even accepted Jesus as your Lord and savior?
[Horsemen tryouts]
APOCALYPSE: I like u guys but I only need 4
*Death, War, Famine, Conquest & Steve look at each other*
STEVE: dang it
Me : So does that mean my immune system doesn’t have to go to work and can just put it’s feet up?
Doctor: No, I said you have a WEAKENED immune system
[inventor of the mirror]
“That wall doesn’t look enough like me”
My husband and I are planning a vow renewal later this year. Quick question: Dunk tank or no dunk tank at the reception?
My daughter asked me to play Highway to Hell by AC/DC because I was driving them to school. Parenting win, I guess.
I firmly believe in homeopathy because they cure everything with alcohol.
[Waffle House interview]
Manager:“How good are you at avoiding flying chairs?”
Her:“I’m basically a Jedi.”
Manager:“When can you start?”
CASHIER: its declined
ME: run it again
C: sir, is this one of those fake credit cards they mail out
ME: no
C: your name is “local resident”?
When I was a kid: why do athletes retire in their 30s they’re still so young
Me in my 30s now: *trying to get up from a couch* yep ok
My mom’s Jewish and my dad’s Catholic so they decided to raise me batshit
If anyone needs like five things 25% done and no things 100% done, just let me know.
THEM: in 186 days an asteroid is going to collide with Earth
EVERYONE ELSE: *screaming*
ME: *deletes MyFitnessPal app*
[olive garden]
waiter: when you’re here you’re family
me: cool can I borrow some money
waiter: please leave
“Don’t wind up the dog, he’ll be annoying”
Me: