This morning I packed nothing but a kale salad for lunch and now 1pm me wants to punch 7am me in the face.
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Get yourself a girl who can help you destroy evidence and lie under oath.
I recently bought a corset to spice up my sex life. Once I’ve learned how to breathe in the damn thing I’ll tell you how it worked out.
My friend and I have a pact that if we’re not married by age 40, we’re going to fist bump and take shots for making good decisions
Welcome to your 40s: that “teenager”over there is actually 27.
just checked my bank account and all I can say is who wants foot pics
Heard someone say their charcuterie house looks too good to eat and I don’t think they know how cheese works.
I’m convinced that my washing machine is a portal to a world where one-legged men hop around in my socks.
SCAM ALERT – IMPORTANT
The cat has already been fed.
I’m not superstitious because it brings bad luck.
What will Tesla name their electric lawnmower?
E-Lawn
Run yourself luxurious baths, while you’re still young and fit to climb in and out!
No, Grandma. Still not married; but the lady in the Popeye’s Chicken commercials keeps calling me “Honey” so we’ll see where that goes.
Why is it called a herd of horses and not a neighborhood?
how did ur grandpa get dementia and forget EVERYTHING except the racism
Today’s Tarot Card: Someone keeps reanimating you against your will.
I hope my neighbors follow me on Twitter cause their car’s lights are on.
Don’t tell your friend you like her sweater unless you mean it; she might knit you one.
“Steak and Shake” great burgers and also a good way to kill baby vampires.
[creation]
GOD: You will each have a flaw
BAT: I am blind
SNAKE: I am deaf
DOG: My breath is a little bad
why is being alive so expensive. I’m not even having a good time.
Oh, you’re an early riser?
Yes.
Have kids?
No.
A farm?
No.
Insomnia?
No.
Medical condition?
No.
Psycho.
My wife is integrating herself back into life after recovering from surgery the past 2 months. The kids now keep telling her “well dad doesn’t do it that way, he does…” About everything. So it’s going well. This couch is perfectly comfortable too.
Stop roasting yourself, you’re not a marshmallow
I have a friend visiting from out of town. What’s your fave place in LA to look at your phone??
My favorite Yoga Pose is the Upward Facing Couch Potato.
Wondering if Cap’n Crunch ever made Admiral. Or did he get stuck in a perpetual loop of sugary bureaucracy?
I shed so much hair, I couldn’t commit a perfect murder if I tried.
Just saw a restaurant that was Japanese/Italian fusion and I can’t think of anything I want less than cheesy noodle sushi.
No problem, 3 people is my maximum anyway
Why I update my apps
:-For the new features ❌:-for the notifications to go away✅