This morning I packed nothing but a kale salad for lunch and now 1pm me wants to punch 7am me in the face.
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[creating eyelashes]
God: Give them a row of stiff hairs to protect their eyes.
Angel: Alright.
God: But make the hairs occasionally turn traitor and try to destroy the very thing they’re supposed to protect.
Angel: Dude, wtf is wrong with you?
PREACHER: any prayer requests?
3 DUCKS IN A TRENCHCOAT (from the last pew): do the one about our daily bread
It’s always “Why aren’t you married yet?” And never “I have an old rich friend on the verge of death I’d like to introduce you to.”
the first cicada of the season just walked itself right into my fire pit. 13 years under ground looked at the world and said nope
No thanks, ancestry dot com. I don’t like the family I’m aware of; I really don’t need to know about anyone else
Scientist discovers largest prime number to date, when it was provided to him by a Spectrum customer service rep as a “confirmation number.”
[showing new guy around office]
Me: Watch out for that guy, he has a short fuse, haha.
New guy: He said the same about you, haha.
Me: *throws coffee mug at wall* HE NEEDS TO SHUT HIS STUPID MOUTH!
A hexagon is what Mario says when he frees himself from a curse
Me: omg JLo is 50 and looks amazing, it’s not fair.
Also me: 17 buffalo wings are a good source of protein.
BOSS: Can we meet in 20 minutes?
ME: Can it wait until tomorrow?
BOSS: Sure. Busy day?
ME: (pauses video of a dog playing in crunchy leaves) Yes.
Before Twitter I had to disappoint people in person.
DATE: I love playful women
ME: [dusting off an old porcelain doll in my purse & setting it on the table] Oh so you won’t mind that Cynthia joins us then-
ANNOYING SHIT THAT’S HAPPENING:
Fourth grader’s constant use of the phrase, “I know from experience…”.
Have to get my driver’s license renewed today, so naturally I spilt coffee on my shirt.
Took a bunch of ibuprofen to keep my tweets from being too inflammatory
When people on House Hunters complain about the color of the room are they not aware of the miracle that is paint?
Noah
2000: I don’t want no scrubs
2020: I’m actually gonna need all those scrubs.
WAITER:What would you like?
ME:What would YOU like?
W:Excuse me?
M:No one ever asks you, do they?
W:*tearing up* No.. they don’t. Thank you.
Girlfriends are always complaining, you don’t remember this, you don’t remember that!!
Well we are men, not memory foam!
#mattressjokes
Hotel clerk: You’re eligible for a room upgrade
Me: Sweet!
Clerk: Exactly
Sorry I’m late, I was waiving my hands at a paper towel dispenser that turned out to not be automatic.
told my therapist i was hesitant to start antidepressants bc of the sexual side effects and she said “do you even have enough sex for that to matter” and long story short im currently headed to walgreens to refill my prescription
“Are you mad at me?”
No. Why? Should I be?? Did you do something??? WHAT DID YOU DO????
You guys talk about sex like it’s so great. I had sex once and she made me take off my jean jacket. Just not worth it.
I once saw a lady called Rachel Smith-Smith on Facebook and I asked her why she didn’t just leave it and save herself the trouble at the DMV and she blocked me
Yelling out the answers to Blues clues to absolutely own my 4 year-old and his know-it-all friends.
When there’s food around, our cat is like an adorable, fluffy shark circling round.
My husband let the batteries die in all the security cameras because he didn’t like seeing his bald spot at a better angle.
Ours was an impossible friendship. You were a squirrel with no identifiable markings and I could never be sure if you were you.