Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

The good thing about leading a dull life is that all entertainment seems exciting by comparison. I consider any film where people leave the house after 6pm to be an action film.

I’m just a girl standing in front of a boy asking him to stop eating all the snacks I bought for school lunches dammit.

first you must answer his riddles

My forté is using words like forté with aplomb while using words like aplomb as though it were my forté.

Are sharks attracted to or repelled by pickles? I need to pack my beach cooler just right.

HIM: I’m not crying, you’re crying
ME: we’re all crying, this is a funeral

I’m supposed to be afraid of you because you are a twitter badass? What are you going to do, caps lock me?

On Sunday’s I Iike to dress as Satan & stand outside of churches, yelling at the parishioners that it’s not working & I own their soul.

I have normal fears like everyone else, like spiders and snakes and the fear that someone is gonna inject me with heroin and I’ll immediately become an addict at no fault of my own and end up living on the streets. Ya know, regular stuff.

Me, wet, shrunken, laying in front of the interrupted washing machine, breathlessly clutching a voodoo doll: FOUND IT

[Google search history]
Moles
How to kill moles
How to make homemade bombs
Rescue moles from cave-in
Dealing with regret
Mole stew

My favorite machine at the gym is the water fountain.

Felt great to be hit on by a kid in his 20’s on my bday until my sister told me I could be his mother.

the last time how i met your mother was on netflix i binge watched it instead of going to class and almost got kicked out of college. its dangerous! beware!

*holds seashell to ear*

“We’ve been trying to reach you about your car’s extended warranty”

You can totally cheat during board games with your kids if after 30 minutes, there is no end in sight. I’m looking at you Chutes and Ladders!

waiter: would you like a box

me: how is it prepared

Standing desks become a $1000 charcuterie board since I snack so much.

Imagine being a ghost in a school and you think no one notices you, but then one day you hear everyone talking about ‘school spirit’ and you get super pumped and think ‘man, maybe they DO know im here’ and then you find out that school spirit is a pizza lunch and jeans day

5: I’ll fix it when you say “sorry” fifty times

3: ok. sorry fifty times

INTERVIEWER: Says here you have sloth-like reflexes?

ME: *calls interviewer 3 years later* That is correct.

[after death]

me: what is this place?

guy: purgatory. you hang out until we decide if you’re going to heaven or hell

me: while i wait can you tell me a purgastory lol

guy: hell it is

The best way to break up with your vampire boyfriend is over a stake dinner.

If I were lost and all I had was a compass I would still be lost.

“Hey Cyclops are you still dating Jean?”
“No Storm, we broke up. You could say she’s my…”
*lowers sunglasses*
*eye beams obliterate Storm*

The nine most terrifying words in the English language are: I’m from the government and my name is Dracula

Why is everything so sticky?

-parenthood

I just love that new Pope smell.

I’m not only the woman your Mother warned you about, I’m the one your Father highly recommended.

Columbus: Do you know why I pulled you over?
Me: Well–
Columbus: *just yanks me out of my car and drives off in it*