This morning I woke up with the thought “I wish there was a way for me to create vegetables at home…”
And so I jammed out on that idea for a while until I realized I had just invented farming.
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somebody seems to be trying real hard to get Gurt’s attention
like last october and the one before that gotta go to human resources for talking in dracula
“no one remembers the weird thing you said at that party” actually the weird thing you said has become a sacred inside joke that bonded several people at that party together forever
Fair warning: If you’re one of those parents who allow their kids to run around in a restaurant, I’m gonna teach them cuss words.
You ever pump your gas slowly on purpose so no one realizes you only had $3 on you
If it walks like a duck and it looks like a duck, the chances are she’s practising for her next selfie
I can’t believe “wife-beater shirt” is a commonly accepted term. Do they go well with child-molester hats and puppy-kicker shoes?
Them: You’re a dumpster fire.
Me: Awww, you think I’m hot?
My husband has finally given up on the notion that he will be able to have an uninterrupted conference call when his coworkers heard me belting out “I’m Every Woman” and has moved his office to the basement.
They are adding commercials to Netflix so GenZ will finally understand and appreciate our struggle
“There’s no I in TEAM,” he yells. “There’s no COACH in LOCKER ROOM,” I respond. He leaves in stunned silence, and is never seen again.
My CW just barked.
Ok, it may have been a burp, but I’d like him a lot more if he were turning into a dog, so I think he barked.
The Dalai Lama prefers quiet restaurants in order to find dinner peace.
Guys if ur drinking tonight please remember this; u can always use a frozen hot dog if u run out of ice. Ok stay safe & keep it real.
Looking good, Kim! #LNSM
We built this community from the ground up as opposed to choosing a point in the air and building downwards from there.
I just got invited to a zoom baby naming ceremony. If I wasn’t a part of the baby making ceremony I don’t want to be a part of naming it.
If I had any self control I’d probably eat that too.
One alternative to having kids is to hire two people to sit in your car and start a loud argument every time your favorite song comes on.
Shhhhh! I can’t hear about how God spoke to you! I’m busy listening to my toaster tell me about his day.
[screaming into the void]
MARCO
the group chat when I ask who’s available to play next week
“Alexa, lock the door”
– me to my friend alexa because computers locking doors is LITERALLY HOW TERMINATOR STARTED
As your goth husband I will adorn you with cursed artifacts then die mysteriously leaving you to be the most feared widow in the village.
I dont’t want to die a virgin because that means I’ll have to have sex with terrorists.
“There’s no reason to be on Twitter anymore.”
*Every other site goes down*
“Guess who’s back…back again.”
Me: I’m a scorpion.
Date: You mean scorpio?
Me: (clicking my claws together) No I very do not.
I opened this great self-care app.
It’s called “the fridge.”
10 y/o made her own chores list and after doing the dishes, she said she couldn’t believe we do them every day so I patted her on the head and said, “wait until you hear about this thing called laundry.”
Why don’t people who are good at tarot cards just switch to blackjack?