This morning I woke up with the thought “I wish there was a way for me to create vegetables at home…”
And so I jammed out on that idea for a while until I realized I had just invented farming.
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Wait, wait, wait. Don’t I get three wishes?
Cop: Ma’am, that’s not how this works.
HELLO, FIRST TIME CALLER, LONG TIME LISTENER, OCCASIONAL MURDERER.
Sitting in my car eating McD’s, and I hear a quiet voice behind me go:
“Here, we have The Fat Woman in her natural habitat..”
no mom you don’t get it I used “you’re” instead of “your” as a joke to be ironic on the internet. yes I realize it makes me look silly. no mom colleges don’t care about that. they aren’t gonna look at my twitter. ok. ok yes I understand. im sorry I’ll delete it. I love you too
A dog just came up to me to say hello and the owner dragged him off.
Jealousy will get you nowhere, pal.
them: Why don’t you think about what you’re doing?
me: lolz
Alcohol is photoshop for real life.
I keep having this dream that I’m being carried off by a giant squirrel. Does that make me nuts?
Know your Norse mythology. Loki. The trickster. Devised the death of heroic god Baldr and those chips that can’t be opened without scissors.
All of my passwords are the names of various “Friends” characters. Except for Ross. I’ve never used Ross. Not after what he did to Rachel.
Called myself to see if I’d answer, sent me to voicemail. Twice.
[Confessional Booth]
Me: I can’t do anything right.
Priest: Please get off of my lap.
When singers at concerts hold out the mic for the audience to sing, it’s like what am i, your maid
After two divorces, I think I’ve found the key to a successful marriage. Don’t marry a cunt.
girls in high school: we don’t like you
me: what if i was funny
girls in high school: well that wasn’t really our chief conce-
me: i will become the funniest man in this entire trigonometry class
man…im so hungry i could-
*i catch eye contact with a horse*
“you could what?”
*shows his gun*
i could.. eat a sandwich
“thought so.”
If you don’t have at least 1 white friend named “Matt”, then you are Matt.
doctor: are u sexually active
me: no i just sort of lay there
On the Museum of Science and Industry coal mine tour and the guide asks “how would you improve working conditions in the mine?” This Little One shoots a hand up and cheerfully answers:
“Riot”
When Adam and Eve ate the apple I remember thinking, “Well, that’s a sin, but at least it’s original.”
The way my neighbors are making their trick-or-treating kids skip my door you’d think I was handing out ecstasy pills like last year.
*first day as an insurance salesman*
Customer: Can I get a quote?
Me: Sure! “Hold on tight, spider-monkey” 🥰
Customer: …
Me: …
Customer: …
Me: …Edward Cullen 2008.
Ronald McDonald and the Burger King have been battling each other for decades. Which is odd, because you’d expect it to have been a *looks at camera* FAST FEUD
*Wakes up in Superman’s body*
Me: Holy crap! I’m finally a hero!
*Uses heat vision to re-heat last night’s pizza & puts on Netflix*
Well this pretty much sums up 2020.
Police looking for a man who stabbed six people with knitting needles.
He seems to be following some sort of pattern.
One day my kids will move out and discover the dishes don’t clean themselves and I feel for them. I really do.
6yo: “Mom, I’m excited that it’s my first eclipse, but I’m sad that it’s your last.” 💀
my fridge has a screen so sometimes I get bored and photoshop myself to make it look like im in there
