This morning I woke up with the thought “I wish there was a way for me to create vegetables at home…”
And so I jammed out on that idea for a while until I realized I had just invented farming.
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court: counsel why are you yelling your questions from back there?
me: i’ve got my phone plugged in back here your honor.
Darth Vader: Luke
Luke: ya
Darth Vader: [heavy breathing] I am your father
Luke: um ok
Darth Vader: Also I’m vegan
Luke: NNNNNOOOOOOOOO
gf: i’m leaving you
me: is it because i act like i know everything?
gf: yea-
me: i knew it
Annoy a Boomer today. Take your time vacating the pickleball court.
Unfortunately Katy Perry, I couldn’t fit in the skin tight jeans so instead of a teenage dream my husband gets Blair Witch.
Dear axe body spray,
Could you Please put a suggested spray size on your deodorant bottles.
Best regards,
Asphyxiated girls everywhere.
“Guess what!”
“What?”
“I went clubbing and did the Bus Driver last night!”
“Oh I love that dance move!”
“It’s a dance move?”
girl [smiling]: hey, how are you!?
me [visibly nervous]: not much!
Me: I absolutely cannot take a cop in shorts seriously.
Him: Sorry ma’am but I’m still going to have to ask you to come with me.
Me: Haha OK
If someone walks in on you hatching your evil plan, just tell them you were rubbing in some hand moisturizer.
Me: My wife got me a telescope for Christmas.
Neighbor: Nice. I got-
Me: I know. I watched you guys open everything.
Buying more laundry baskets so I can avoid doing the laundry
I put a potato down my pants to impress a girl. Next time I’ll put it down the front.
me: start from the beginning? oh, ok. Well, God created the heavens and the earth. And the earth was without form…
Police investigator: no, no, from just before your car got rear-ended
Happy Thursday guys and remember. If you can’t spot the douche at work today, then it’s probably you.
He’s making a list,
And checking it twice,
You’re gonna find number 12
Very hard to believe.
Santa Clause is working
for Buzzfeed.
The cardboard crowds are getting a little Rowdy at the game.
I bought all this healthy food at the grocery store today and now I’m trying to decide if I want Chinese food or pizza delivered for dinner tonight.
Girlfriend: Are you cheating on me?
Me: You sound like my wife.
I want to be buried in a spring loaded casket filled with confetti.
I just want a future archaeologist to have a great day.
A museum guard accused me of trying to steal a 4,000-year-old papyrus but I explained that my skin just gets like that in the winter.
I just saved a ton of money by using my Pizza Hut points to order free pizza- earned from the ton of money I spent on previously ordered pizza.
My “my wife is not having an affair with her karate teacher” headline is raising a lot of questions already answered by my headline.
5: Can you cut off the skin?
Me: What?
5: *holds up sandwich* the skin
M: The crust?
5: yeah
M: No, and you sound like a serial killer.
Halloween. A kid comes to the door with a sign”I love ceilings”
What are you?
A Ceiling Fan.
Gave him all the candy.
Not doing anything with my life is surprisingly time consuming
95% of the ocean is unexplored which means there could be a mcdonalds down there
Withholding sex from you people isn’t working.
What does $50 get you at the Chanel store?
13 seconds of eye contact.