This morning I woke up with the thought “I wish there was a way for me to create vegetables at home…”
And so I jammed out on that idea for a while until I realized I had just invented farming.
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crazy that a bridge collapsed. i better check twitter, esteemed symposium for civil engineers and nautical navigators
Pretty much. 🤣
Christ it is annoying when my parents need help on their failing farm. I always get there and theres a hunk with a toolbox whos like “I’m helping your parents now, with my tools” and I’m like “get out of here!” and then we do end up falling into a marriage. every spring with this
COP: Do you know why I stopped you?
HIM: We were going too fast?
COP: Yes. Get to know her first. Don’t just talk about yourself either.
In a house with 1,000 bathrooms your kid will only be willing to use the one you’re in, there is nothing you can do to prevent this
Pretty sure the guy infront of me at McDonald’s ordered the rest of the food.
If I was a sushi chef I’d wear divers gear so people knew it was fresh.
It’s all fun and games until you realize he understands Spanish.
I can sing all the words to the intro song of DuckTales, what’s your flex?
[hijacking a hot-air balloon] i have scissors
[first episode of tv show]
Guy: Hi
Guy’s friend of 25 years: You’ve been my friend for 25 years
* Gets fired *
Well….my job is done here.
No matter how many times I read this, it always makes me happy.
When someone is dead in a movie, do you try to catch him breathing too or am I a weirdo?
We don’t deserve birds.
I wear a Fanny Pack to Olive Garden just so I can steal more breadsticks.
My husband has a blanket pulled up over his face.
I think this means he wants me to talk to him.
Please help me find my lost pet sloth. It was just right here and, oh, never mind, it’s still right here.
ME: (sitting by a roaring fire) Isn’t this romantic?
WIFE: Your crocs are melting.
Beer before liquor, never sicker. Toothpaste before orange juice, dead.
Baby Dinosaur: Mama, are we born just to die?
Dinosaur: No, baby. One day we’ll also become toxic fuels for idiot meat robots
Didn’t realize “bottomless” mimosas referred to the drink and not the dress code, my apologies to everyone in this airport.
Parenting is cool because:
-it’s the hardest thing you’ve ever done
-the stakes are the highest they’ve ever been
-no one can tell you how to do it
-you have to make a million choices every day
-there’s no way to ever know if any of them were correct
-socks just constantly vanish
Me: Don’t text him if he’s ignoring you.
Also me: *sends him 67 messages*
Don’t judge me because it said “family size” and I ate the whole thing.
It might have been meant for a really small family.
The date was going so well until he called me gorgeous and I blew a bubble out of my nose on accident.
Them: oh I was just talking about you!
Me, jokingly: nothing bad I hope? Ha ha
Them:
Me: oh
Wife & son backing out in the car,
4yo: “So LONG, suckers!” [slams garage door]
4yo [opens door again]: “Not you Mommy!”
*pulls home cooked meal out of oven*
*family awkwardly stares at me*
Yup, this is definitely not my house.