Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

wife: Would you ever want an open marriage?

me *messages every girl in my phone asking if they’d have sex with me* Umm *all respond no* Nah

You can pirate a romance film but you can’t romance a pirate film. I ruined my copy of Hook that way.

If you’re going end up on an episode of Dateline, make sure you’re the killer

I’m gonna be so pissed if I die in the middle of an argument I’m about to win.

I missed going to the gym today.

So that’s 20 years in a row now.

[Outside court]

Reporter: How does it feel now you’ve cleared your name?

: Odd

It’s actually illegal to be mean to me. Many of you are under arrest

Once I’ve repeated what I said for the third time, I have to tell my dark family secret:
I come from a long line of mumblers.

I’m just a girl

standing in front of a pizza

asking it to not have carbs.

Me: I somersaulted down a hill yesterday, just like in the movies, it was so crazy

Angel: yes that’s why you’re here

I forgot the word “rake” so I called it a yard comb.

Wife: “I’m tired of you endlessly misquoting Arnold Schwarzenegger films. I’m leaving you.”

Me: “You’ll be back.”

“omg you’re filtered.. If you ever go missing no one will recognize you to find you”

Ummmm I’m not seeing the down side here

In a war with my neighbor to see who can attract more hummingbirds. We need more wars like this.

Having to redownload the HBO app on four devices was the worst thing to happen to me since COVID.

“I’m not like other girls,” I say, clacking my pinchers and scuttling back into the murky lagoon.

Drive like no one is watching.

#ThingsIamRustyAt dieting

The only time I get anxiety is when I’m picking up a prescription for my wife and the pharmacists asks me for her birth date.

I warned my wife the tattooist was no good and sure enough she came back with disappointment written all over her face.

*whistling*

Husband: There’s blood in the entry way. What happened?

Me: I’m decorating for Halloween.

Husband: But It’s real blood.

Me: *continues whistling*

WELCOME TO GYM.
[5gp] WOOD MUSCLE //
[10gp] LEATHER MUSCLE //
[50gp] IRON MUSCLE //
[100gp] WISTFUL MUSCLE //
[999gp] DESOLATION MUSCLE

Careful, that’s a load-bearing delusion

If you’ve seen one shopping centre, you’ve seen a mall.

When someone has coordinates in their bio, I feel the need to alert their local police, to counter all the psychos en route to murder them.

STAGES OF WORKING FROM HOME
– Yay I get to work from home
– It would be nice to talk to people
– I hope that pigeon sits in the window today

Starting a new band called the Shania Twainsaw Massacre.

Clark Kent: How’s your lunch?
Bruce Wayne: This soup is great.
CK: don’t
BW: You could even say
CK: please don’t
BW: It’s Souper, man

[Spelling bee]

Your word is Monogamous.

M-O-N-O-T-O-N-O-U-S

*2 Judges stare at each other*

1st judge *nods*
2nd judge: “We’ll allow it”