This morning, my 3 year old son emerged from our bedroom wearing several of my wife’s scarves and every bracelet she owns. I know he’s young, and saying this may make me appear close-minded and intolerant, but I don’t want him growning up to be Johnny Depp.
Interviewer: How would you describe yourself?
Me: With adjectives.
Beware of the “party goblin”…
thanks for the crochet armor, mom, I’m sure it will work just fine
HILLARY CLINTON: Putin wants a puppet as the US president
KERMIT THE FROG: YAAAYYYYYYYYY!!!
I’m tired of dating. The first person to show up at my apartment with a domesticated raccoon & a lasagna can have my hand in marriage or a friendly fist bump, if they prefer.
“I need help doing a resume.”
“What software do you want to use?”
“I hoped you’d tell me.”
“And where will you be applying?”
“I was gonna ask you.”
“And what’s your experience?”
“Whatever you think.”
“If you get the job will I be the one showing up? Because I’m busy weekdays.”
It appears my neighbor’s plastic flamingo was hit by a car. What’s the etiquette? Card? Fruit & nut basket?
There’s no cool way to get your braces unstuck from the carpet.
Well, well, well, look who is who he says he is.
~The guy with the blue check by his name.
Tellingly, right before she died, my grandma’s final purchase at Bed, Bath & Beyond was “Curtains.”
*puts a picture of Roger Rabbit in a picture frame*
I did it. I framed Roger Rabbit.
My neighbor hates it when I figure out his wifi password but it’s his fault for writing it down and putting it on his fridge.
I wish I could replace my central nervous system with a central confidence system.
My son just lectured his brother because he couldn’t find his phone like I didn’t just find his glasses in 2 minutes after he claimed they were lost forever.
Do as I scooby say, not as I scooby doo.
*me to my dog.
Welcome to your forties.
You brag about how early you went to bed and you’re jealous if someone beats you.
Me: *sets alarm for 7am*
Brain: Sounds important! I’m going to go ahead and wake you up three hours early
When a guy jokes about pms, you need to laugh along to show you’re a cool chick, but hold the laugh too long- so he gets scared.
Whenever someone says, “Good question” I never hear their answer because I’m too busy congratulating myself for asking such a good question.
What’s the best way to commemorate the 500th episode of your podcast and why is it throwing yourself into an active volcano?
A panic attack is hearing your teens laughing in another room at the same time you can’t find your phone.
Do you ever look at someone and think I’d like to be like that when I grow up and then realise that you’re the same age?
“Let the jerk-off begin!”
As the other contestants begin seasoning their meats I look at my bottle of lotion and realize I’ve misunderstood
5:21am: I hope someone gets mad at me today.
5:22am: Oh good.
Finishing a book is like saying goodbye to an old friend. Finishing a show you binge-watched is like staggering out of a motel where you’ve been holed up for 24 hours with someone you met while trying to score crack.
Air Bud trembles in fear after the opposing team drapes a basketball jersey over a vacuum cleaner and puts it on their starting lineup.
If I’ve said it once, I’ve said it a thousand times: “I can’t keep track of how often I say things.”
guy at work just said he is going to see the new Jurassic Park movie and someone said “is that the one about dinosaurs?”
I formerly apologize to my mother for any and everything that follows that she inevitably won’t approve of. #TheFirstLineInMyAutobiography
Dads, don’t tell your daughters they are “pretty”. Tell them they’re strong. Tell them they’re smart. Tell them they can’t be prosecuted for theft until they’re 10.
