This morning, my 3 year old son emerged from our bedroom wearing several of my wife’s scarves and every bracelet she owns. I know he’s young, and saying this may make me appear close-minded and intolerant, but I don’t want him growning up to be Johnny Depp.
Having a tattoo in a hidden place is really just entertainment for the coroner.
We’re investigation reports of little piles cack in all the flower beds around here. You match the description of somebody we’d like to talk to.
Parole officer: Come in and take a seat
[me, finishing a jail term for stealing chairs] *starts sweating*
Him: Why do you always need the last word?
Me: I don’t.
Him:
Me: I don’t really.
Him:
Me: I don’t! And that’s final.
Him:
My kid woke up sick and told me he was gonna eat a bunch of junk food since ‘obviously vitamins don’t work’ and I think we should consider his position
[Being dragged out of my movie club] Oh and by the way ‘The Hills’ only has one i.
[Being kidnapped]
Me: i can feel it.. Stockholm syndrome
kidnapper: its been 10 minutes
me: should we invite your brother to the wedding?
Thanks, autocorrect. Now all my friends think I’m inviting them over for a Halloween-themed Texas Chainsaw Massage
-Luca Brasi sleeps with the fishes.
-He has sex with fish?
-He’s dead.
-I’m not surprised. Having sex with fish doesn’t sound very safe.
Nurse: strip down to your underpants
Me: ok *removes pants to reveal second pair of pants*
What if Adele was calling from inside the house?!
me: (reaches for the bill) no no, i got it
my date, grabbing her stuff to leave my apartment: thank u for paying your own electric bill
I’m opening a Japanese restaurant for depressives.
It’s called “Miso Sad.”
I made a resolution to eat better and exercise in the new year but didn’t specify which year I was referring to.
The limerick writers on Twitter
Can be justifiably bitter
The limited length
Is weakness, not strength
And throws our last lines down the sh
I’m not afraid of dying. I’m afraid of ending up in a nursing home with a roommate who has Justin Bieber posters and Twilight shirts.
The FedEx guy said I look like a sexy pirate. I’m not sure if that’s considered sexual harassment or flirting.
[commercial for college]
*person shoveling money into furnace*
Narrator: Don’t you wish there was a better way?
I wanna get on a taxi and after riding around a while without saying anything, tell the driver ‘I killed myself on that bridge 2 years ago’
This girl told me that eating a cake is the best way to calm you down.
I bet she never tried smashing it over someone’s face.
Cat: I think i have a rash.
Doctor Dog: WE SHOULD AMPUTATE YOUR HEAD
I took my 4-year-old to a children’s museum and they switched up the little grocery store. My 4-year-old was not happy. She turned into a 40-year-old woman shopping at her grocery store real quick, “why is everything different? I don’t like it!”
me: stop calling me names!
bully: shut up names
My doctor: you really need to work on getting that D into you
Me: bro I’m trying, I’ve got a date next week and everything
AA Milne: Ok rabbit, we’ll call you Rabbit. Piglet, you can be Piglet
Bear: Wow, real original
AAM: [scribbles out Bear and writes Pooh]
[Genie] Last wish idiot, impress me.
[Me] I want Morgan Freeman to narrate my eulogy [drops dead]
[Morgan Freeman] He was an idiot.
Sometimes, I’m impatient and intolerant.
But other times, I’m sleeping.
man…im so hungry i could-
*i catch eye contact with a horse*
“you could what?”
*shows his gun*
i could.. eat a sandwich
“thought so.”
it was the best of times (adding to cart) it was the worst of times (seeing the total plus shipping)
People who live in glass houses should install frosted glass around the toilet part.
