This morning, my 3 year old son emerged from our bedroom wearing several of my wife’s scarves and every bracelet she owns. I know he’s young, and saying this may make me appear close-minded and intolerant, but I don’t want him growning up to be Johnny Depp.
Welcome to adulthood. Every time you login now, it’s a game of “Will I get into my account the first time” or “Will I be spending the rest of my life sitting here resetting my password forever.”
The worst time to need sneeze is when you’re driving. The worst time to need to pee it when you’re driving and need to sneeze.
Huge if true.
[First day as a driving instructor]
“Okay kid, reverse. Keep going and stop when you hear a bang.”
[Job interview]
Employer: please explain the gap on your resume
Me: what…they were hiring
It’s called courting because you will need lawyers later.
Toddler: [spills cup of apple juice]
Me: Don’t move!
Toddler: [sits on spill]
Pro Tip: don’t buy cheap duct tape. Your basement guests can chew right through that.
the guy I interviewed just now not only got up from his chair to get his DoorDash order, he then decided to eat it during the interview (spaghetti)
I’ve never wanted to be a sci-fi actress but I do think I’d make a terrific “blonde in black glasses suddenly looks up from her computer with a WAIT…POSSIBLE GIANT MUTANT INSECT INVASION SOUNDS BAD expression”
I once dated a girl to get closer to her parents’ record collection.
ME: Distinguished fellow, have you seen a monster in this Loch?
LOCHNESS MONSTER (wearing a massive fake mustache): *monster noises*
The same people who tell you to follow your dreams are the ones who are all ‘surprised’ when you show up to do a presentation buck naked. Do not trust these people. Stay woke and follow zero dreams.
[commercial for toilets]
°a man is walking around his house picking up turds°
There’s got to be a better way
[Dog Restaurant]
“Is the Book Report any good?”
Yes, Sir.
“How’s it prepared?”
A 9yo stayed up till 3am to finish it.
“Ooh, I’ll have that.”
Please. My avocado. It is so sad.
I always try to hold the door open for women I see walk by, so we can talk and get to know each other. But none of them will get in my car.
ME: How much for this aggressive bottle of water?
FIREFIGHTER: Sir that’s a hydrant
WORM: Why do caterpillars think they are better than us?
OTHER WORM: *is drowning in a very shallow puddle*
So in 2016 I’ve decided to leave all the negative people behind. So im sorry if i owe you money because im moving on from that now.
Joe Biden is in the White House kitchen right now licking every piece of silverware and putting them back in the drawer
really slow day at 911. im just calling random numbers and asking ‘you good???’
I heard my 7-yr old daughter yell out “Cue the battleship!” in her sleep & now I’m jealous because her dreams are a lot cooler than mine.
*shampoos & conditions hair
*rinses hair
*blowdries hair
*straightens hair
*spits toothpaste into hair
Rudolph the Red-Nosed Reindeer (1964): An adolescent reindeer is first mocked, and then taken advantage of because of a birth deformity.
someone using bare hands to put salad on a plate is letting you know they’re not here for discussions about etiquette or anything really
Matt Damon: I have 4 daughters which means I have… *counting aloud on fingers* 4 respect for women
Screw hybrid cars! We should all be driving buses! No clue what their fuel consumption is but I know I’ve never seen a bus at a gas station.
Pro-tip for couples suddenly working from home together: Get yourselves an imaginary coworker to blame things on. In our apartment, Cheryl keeps leaving her dirty water cups all over the place and we really don’t know what to do about her.
moth *repeatedly bashing itself against my computer monitor*
me: it’s not a touchscreen you have to use the mouse
