Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

me as a teen: chapstick is stupid

me in my late 30’s: who the hell touched my recliner chapstick?!

Current beard: Outdoor woodsman

Current body: Indoor couchman

FRIEND. My daughter just hates her job
ME: My dogter loves hers
F: You mean dau..
ME: *shows her a pic of a puppy in scrubs* She’s a dogtor

Me: Would you have a minute to speak about my lord and savior, nachos supreme?
Her: Sir, for the last time just tell me your order.

Scorpio: Are you really gonna trust NASA? After they left Matt Damon on Mars? Who does that?

Two gunslingers face each other in the street, waiting to draw. Minutes pass. I’m still obliviously standing between them sipping a Slurpee.

Her: What’s with the bunny?

Him: I’m teaching him to look into the mirror and say, “you talkin’ to me?”

Her: Why?

Him: Because Rabbit Deniro is a badass and an artist, Lauren.

Day 4. They suspect nothing.

[quietly] “Always a bridesmaid never the bride”

BRIDE: Hey, you’re not one of my bridesmaids!

“Shhh…this day is about you, not me.”

A lot of people say “we need to” when they mean “you need to”. We need to stop that.

Hair pulling during sex is hot unless the whole wig comes off.

80 years ago we would have all been institutionalized and I think that’s beautiful

This looks like a job for Superman!
-unemployed Superman reading the classifieds

I apparently said “keratin” instead of “ketamine” when discussing treatment options with my psychiatrist, so the bad news is that I remain a terminal depressive, but wow, my frizz is really well controlled.

I am a landlord and my 1 tenant is the spider who lives in my car side view mirror. The rent is free but sometimes there is a great storm in which survival is not guaranteed. For that I’m sorry. I have to wash my car bro

If you’re really not supposed to mix vodka with nail polish remover it should say so on the bottle

When someone says “everything happens for a reason,” I stab them and laugh, just so they know I understand.

me: just tell me what to do

universe: *gives me a clear sign*

me: well that could be for anybody

when u have no idea what ur doing but u don’t let that stop u

Me: I want to kiss you everywhere!

Her: You mean New York, Paris & London?

Me: Um, ya that’s what I meant.

I take comfort in the fact that my neighbour will probably die before me. I’ll be at his funeral, leafblowing through the entire ceremony.

Hey Fun Fact:

Remember that “You Wouldn’t Steal A Car” anti-piracy ad? The guy who wrote the music for that ad was never paid for their work

This Fun Fact™ brought to you by:

Stealing — It’s Okay If You’re A Corporation!

I’m not an introvert; I’m just a very inept extrovert.

I can’t understand a damn word this accent pillow is saying.

I think abs are for guys that don’t have the confidence to wear a nice T-shirt to the pool.

If E.T. is making your bicycle fly through the sky, why do you still have to pedal?

*Big Bad Wolf sees 3 little pigs planning to build houses of straw, lumber and brick
*buys stock in Home Depot

What base is it when she says, “I saw a box of fish sticks and thought of you”?

What does Mario spend all those gold coins on? He has one outfit, travels by foot & lives in the sewer

I’m gonna play on a Slip n’ Slide in my front yard tomorrow morning while the kids on my street wait for the school bus. #Hero