Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Q-TIPS WARNING LABEL: do NOT put these in your ears you WILL go deaf and probably die

EVERYONE: ima pretty much exclusively use them in my ears

[concert]
Security Guard: Ma’am, do you have alcohol in your bag?
Me: I don’t think so. Here, hold this flask while I check.

[Being chased by killer]

Me: *Frantically tries to finish my Amazon order*

“Just this one more episode.” you said, and all the voices in your head laughed and laughed, and slapped their knees.

If someone overtakes me when I’m walking, I match their speed so it looks like I’ve got friends.

I hate when people say it’s quarter till 11.
Just say it’s 10:75

GF says my bike helmet looks ridiculous, but I’d rather be “uncool” than fall and crack my head open in the middle of having sex.

Nothing ends a debate like an Asian mom carrying a wooden spoon.

I’m really excited about this amateur autopsy club I just joined.

Tomorrow is open Mike night.

If someone asks you a question you don’t want to answer just say, “I don’t know. I ran into a sliding glass door and knocked myself out, and now I’m having trouble remembering things.” That will get them off your back for a week.

My daughter is at school and she just sent me this photo entirely without context so I have to assume she turned her teachers into cats

The internet is full of many things

business tip.

INSTEAD OF SAYING
“i work from home”: weak, lazy, does not sound productive

SAY
“i practically live at the office”: a real go-getter, dedicated to the grind, a worker bee

Asked for Cheez-its
Wife buys Cheese Nips
Now she’s sitting in the corner thinking about what she did.

How fast “Little pig, little pig, let me in”
turns in to “Not by the hairs on my chinny chin chin”

Ugh!
*Keeps plucking*

Mini-horses are like mini-donuts, you can’t just eat one

Husband: You have a chip on your shoulder.

Me: You know that’s untrue because I would have already eaten it.

> be 28
> mom tells me to get a job
> put on Braveheart face paint
> run into kitchen
> scream FREEDOM
> mom tells me to get a girlfriend

Her: Are you even capable of love?

Me: I’m pretty sure I love pancakes.

i don’t need to touch grass i need to touch one million dollars cash

Bringing a fitted sheet to a knife fight.

My very high friend said “Imagine if cats got really big” and I said “Like tigers?” and he got very quiet.

I like dating chicks with kids, because snacks

So many people recognized me with my mask on that I had to cross Bank Robber off my list of career options

Iron: you’re always trying to turn me into something I’m not!

Blacksmith:

I want to be a pilot, but mostly so I’d have an excuse to tell passengers, “Where we’re going, we don’t need roads.”

PREACHER: any prayer requests?

3 DUCKS IN A TRENCHCOAT (from the last pew): do the one about our daily bread

The single most HARDEST thing about being an immigrant in the US is knowing that regardless of my sacrifices, my beliefs or the beauty in my soul, I, too, may one day be allergic to gluten