This morning my daughter lost her watch, mask, homework book, hairbrush and my will to live
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cave of wonders: only one may enter here
aladdin: abu has to wait outside?
cave of wonders: oh, pets don’t count
abu: *steals*
cave of wonders: OK PETS COUNT
People in Arab nations are still wondering what all the western world hub bub about hump day and camel toe is about.
If someone ever asks you to show up naked underneath a trench coat at their hotel…make sure you get the room number right.
Me: I’ll take a vodka straight up please.
Starbucks barista: Ma’am, this is Starbucks.
Me: Ok one venti iced vodka.
When your friend wants to do a drive by but none of us can see that good at night anymore.
me: freedom implies the existence of freesub
subway: we said no
[having helped prep some pistachios while my wife spends two hours putting together the rest of the meal] How about those nuts, huh? You can really taste the deshelling
Just because something’s vegan doesn’t mean it’s cruelty-free. For example, my ex-girlfriend
Me: Haven’t shaved for two days. Do I look like McDreamy?
Wife: You look like McHomeless.
pharmacist: are you getting a booster?
me: high chair please.
60% of parenting is making grand plans to do something special with your kids and then hoping they forget about them so you don’t have to go.
*first day as an insurance salesman*
Customer: Can I get a quote?
Me: Sure! “Hold on tight, spider-monkey” 🥰
Customer: …
Me: …
Customer: …
Me: …Edward Cullen 2008.
ME: need help?
GIRL (having car trouble): could u give me a jump
ME: *inflating the bounce house I keep in my trunk* I thought u’d never ask
“AUGHHGGUAUGGHGHGHGHGGGGH!!!!!!!!” – killer wail
You don’t have to write ‘Twitter addict’ in your bio. Your 58675687K tweets give it up by themselves.
love it when you say or do some common sense thing and the other person has “file not found” written all over their face
I walk around with mentos in my ears so everyone thinks I have an iphone 7.
Chaining myself to the bed tonight, not because I’m a werewolf, but because there are bags of unattended Halloween candy all over the house.
“And we’re back at the Baby Walking Finals!”
“Our next competitor is attempting a 3 inch step…”
“He got his right foot down firmly and the grandparents are impressed. Can he stick the landing?”
“He’s coming down with his left foot and… Ohhhhh he’s fallen flat on his face!”
Newlyweds: What is mine is yours and what is yours is mine.
Married 10 years: You’re sitting in the dog’s spot.
Her: I’ll bring the wine, you bring the sandwiches. Any kind.
[later]
Her: Umm, why is the picnic basket dripping?
My: Oh no, my ice cream sandwiches!
They sacked me for putting profit before people – I was a terrible dictionary compiler
Some people are like 5yr olds, they shake heads in agreement, but you KNOW by the look in their eyes, they have no clue what you just said.
In honor of Charles Dickens I will also be poor this Christmas
Once upon a time,
You weren’t listening to the story mommy was reading to you so everyone in the book dies. The end.
The only person who listens to me in my house is my dog, and even he pees on the floor sometimes.
Are folks still buyin’ those weighted blankets and whatnot? Were their normal-a** blankets just flyin’ off in the middle of the night? “It happened again, Melissa. I gotta sew some sandbags into that shit.”
[on a stakeout]
COP: did you bring your walkie talkie
ME: no but I do have a runny nosey