Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I lock the closet that holds my skeletons very tightly. Learned that lesson the hard way after the dog ran off with the wife’s femur.

I have never flown first class. Does the food just taste better because you get to lie down while you eat it?

*invents time machine*
*goes to 1930 germany*
*points guns at young hitler*
What gives u the right to ruin a mustache style for everyone?

Me: “If Americans say ‘sidewalk’, what do we mean in England?”

My six year old: “Crab!”

Not sure how coffee got its own table in the living room, but kudos.

No thanks, free health assessment. I don’t want to know what I’m doing to my body

Wife *rubbing her belly* we’ve got a date for our ultrasound

Me: omg

Wife: are we gonna find out what it is?

Me *googling what is ultrasound* way ahead of you

I’m sorry I gotta go. I’m gonna be late for my wife’s post grocery shopping orientation where we cover “snacks and treats that are meant for the kids.”

Hey I just met you…

And this is Crazy…

But this is a nice restaurant…

So, Silence your baby!

prisoner 1: what are you in for?

prisoner 2: murder

prisoner 3: arson

hamburglar: alright well it feels stupid now

Hey, Lady Gaga. I know your fan base would probably revolt, but can you please hire the Goo Goo Dolls as your opening act so you can call it the Goo Goo Gaga Tour? Thanks in advance for your consideration.

[wife comes out wearing pretty dress]
me: that’s my favorite dress
wife: aww, how swee-
m: take it off
w: but we need to-
m: I wanna wear it

I respect every moose for having two giant high-fives growing out of his head.

Dads mark their territory by sneezing loudly.

We love taking our boys to adventure parks. It’s a great way to spend $800 to listen to them complain about the weather and about how much they hate to stand in line.

Social media is proof that even mental hospitals have WiFi.

I stopped experimenting in bed after the great honey disaster of 2015.

The Dalai Lama and Gandhi aren’t the same? I thought they were basically Miley Cyrus/Hannah Montana. I feel like people are messing with me.

The manual for my motorized wheelchair says “Do not operate while tired. ” I haven’t moved in six years.

Delighted to have won the freight contract to help Ukrai… never mind.

My wife went into labor this morning and I was excited until I saw that it’s somebody’s birthday on FB that I didn’t like.

Hubs: Why are you spending so much time on Twitter lately?

Me: I need to find my people

Him: You have a family, we are your people

Me: *this is awkward* But I’m looking for people I actually like

so, is there a mister shapen head

If I wasn’t supposed to drink alcohol with NyQuil, then why did it come with a shot glass?

Thing Two has its alarm set for 7 AM, so I’m starting to meow now, at 6:25 AM. I want it to be ready for the alarm.

He has no idea 🤡

FRIEND: do you know the baby’s sex

ME [covering pregnant wife’s ears]: ew no gross what kind of position is that

fully vaccinated and about to show the geese in this parking lot who’s boss

*Opening presents

1986: Please be a crossbow! Please be a crossbow!

2016: Please be a crossbow! Please be a crossbow!