This morning my daughter lost her watch, mask, homework book, hairbrush and my will to live
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If approached by a bear, you can play dead, or you can acknowledge the bear, say hello, and see what it needs. Have some decency
You know your kid is Canadian when she’s watching football and asks why no one is skating
My coworkers think I’m always busy but I’m really just trying to remember my password.
I said I was a man with a plan. I said nothing about it being a good plan.
[marriage counselling]
Her: he always thinks he’s talking to me on CB radio
Me: I don’t, over
Her: It’s over
Me: It’s what? Over
Sometimes when my husband gets too comfy I like to whisper sexy suggestions like how amazing the neighbor’s lawn has been looking so I can watch him leap out of his chair and rage mow our yard into perfection
if how you live this life is reflected by what you become in the next, i kinda wonder what grandpa did to come back as a pot pie?
While the Americans are in a food coma, we should switch Twitter and Facebook displays around. Give their hearts a jumpstart.
Went out of town for the weekend and I’m so happy to be home so I can have insomnia in my own bed
[after the flood]
noah: a lot of those people you killed were my friends
god: i’m sorry here’s a rainbow
noah: that doesn’t really help
god: maybe if you’d stop whining you’d have more friends
I live in a high crime neighbourhood if you count downloading gardening shows illegally.
You guys remember back before Google when we would just sit around and wonder about shit ….?
[speed dating]
Me “Why are you covered in blood?”
Her “it’s just a conversation starter!
Me:…
Her: And it worked! So… what blood type are you?”
In ocean’s eleven one guy’s job was to give a suitcase to somebody and he got the same amount of money as the guy who had to do acrobatics inside a vault
DOCTOR: “You sit down too much.”
ME: “I understand.”
DOCTOR: “Exactly.”
Crinkle cut fries. Ribbed for your pleasure.
[cat mom giving birth]
Cat dad: Aw, a healthy kit-
WHAT THE, twins!
OMG triplets…holy shit, 4?
(sweating)…5?
WTF IS HAP- 6 *faints*
“please feel free to ignore this email” – respectful, timely communication, probably requesting something that I can handle in a couple minutes
“I need this ASAP” – well you shoulda asked yesterday pal
Ok, but like, how married are you?
Maine is beautiful and calm.
Stephen King: Hold my balloon.
Forget secret ingredients. Competitive baking show contestants should each have a toddler they have to care for while they cook.
Me: Go get everyone for dinner please
6: (SCREAMS) EVERYBODY DINNER!
Me: I meant go walk and get them
6: But I like using my mommy voice
Me:
6: The screaming
Me: I got it
him: I wish you’d talk more during sex.
me: Okay.[during sex]
me: cats have 32 muscles in each ear
him: please don’t speak
[first cat being domesticated]
What’s that thing your petting?
“It’s called a cat”
Do they bite?
“Oh ya LOL all the time!”
[first date]
Him: Why are you being so distant?
Me: Why didn’t you order a side of guacamole?
What is it about a freshly scrubbed toilet that activates my bowels!?
“How do you speak such good English?” “I dunno 200 years of colonialism and eurocentric education, how do you know so little history?”
friend: our baby was a surprise
me: *aware that pregnancy lasts for nine months* … how
podcaster 40 mins into an ep: okay, so let’s just dive right in