Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

How often do you think Jennifer Aniston uses the line “I’m not here to make Friends?”

me: I can’t wait for the elections to be over so I can remove these political signs

proctologist: how many are in here

*overheard in women’s bathroom*

I think there’s a guy in here.

“If you could be anyone, living or dead, who…”
Me – “dead”

[pearly gates]
ANGEL: bad jokes are not allowed in heaven
ME: ok
ANGEL: that means absolutely no puns
ME: abSOULutely
*clouds turn to fire*

I prefer the term “quirky”, it sounds less diagnosable.

Apparently they check bags at the movies now tell me why I admitted to all my snacks talmbout some “Ok wait, i can explain, it’s just cheetos and wine” and the cop was confused as hell assuring me “Ma’am we are searching for weapons”

me: [in bed, hears a weird noise] wtf was that?!
dracula: [bursts out of my closet]
me: did you hear that too?!
dracula: yeah wtf was that?!

Telepathy
“Huh?”
Telepathy
“Ok…let’s move on. What—”
Telepathy
“Please stop interrupting! What are your strengths?”
*rolls eyes* Telepathy

Zygote that created me: I am creating the miracle of life. The human I become will achieve greatness!

Me: Hear me out….Cheeto Pop Tarts!

How is the medicine expired already? I only bought it *checks notes* 9 years ago.

me: ah the house is so clean now

sun rays shining through the window: you sure about that?

I was cleaning one of my finger guns and accidentally blew a hole through my air guitar.

You ever just look at your spouse and KNOW they’re the one you want to fall asleep really soon so you don’t have to share your pizza rolls with?

Have never been roasted to the level as I have been today after asking my department full of tall Tinas if we had a step stool for the file room. They’re trying to find a booster seat on Facebook marketplace for my desk chair. It’s over. I’ll never recover from this.

I watched the movie, Trolls, with my kids and was really surprised that I didn’t see a lot of these Twitter accounts

waiter: any allergies i should know about?

me: uh, peanuts?

waiter: [disappointed] aw i already know that one.

i have locked myself in the bathroom. do not ask me how it happened. because i don’t have that information. hopefully. my stuffed fren sebastian. has already called. the proper authorities

when super mario bros. was released in russia it was much less popular under the title “you are toilet man fight turtle monster”

I like dogs cuz if you do something stupid they don’t criticize you, they do it with you.

My PS5 died, I guess I need to make friends now.

Hey everyone, I’m ABSOLUTELY obsessed with this new web series I’ve been marathoning where I non-stop refresh a worldwide coronavirus counter

I’m not saying there are microchips in the vaccines but my right arm just told me it will be updating tonight between midnight and 2 a.m.

Batman’s an example of a guy who took his parents double homicide and made lemonade

I love you and all but I’d push you into oncoming traffic for a large pizza and a Twix.

If I was in charge of the Batman movies I would do a brief scene where it’s implied there is a Batman in every city in America, each of varying skill. For example, the one in Grand Rapids is locked in his car

You know you’re getting old when the kids start referring to your savings as their inheritance.

No matter how bad your day is going, take comfort in the fact that it was my dog, not yours, that took a dump in Home Depot.