Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Me: *smug* I think you’ll find there’s a big difference between hearing, and listening

Her: that is literally what I just said

‘Hey mommy look, a bone! Just like we have in our bodies.’

-my 5 year old eating fried chicken and dangerously close to connecting some dots.

Every day can be sparkly if you stick a fork into a socket.

Very few people will notice the possum in this picture because they’re so good at hiding

My wife bought a rice cooker today. I guess we’re going to eat a ton of rice over the next few days and then never again.

I’m Indian but not “able to read sanskrit” Indian so slow down there Raj, aside from the heart eye emojis I have no idea wtf your DM means.

The movie ”Finding Nemo” would’ve lasted only 5 minutes if his mother would’ve looked for him.

[a rat runs into my kitchen]
Me: thank god you’re here, I have no idea how to make this bouillabaisse

I have a nice body. It’s out in the trunk.

My webcam business is failing, it’s like men would rather not pay to watch me cry.

Small dog owners: My dog chewed on my favorite pair of shoes.

Big dog owners: Yesterday my dog ate a couch.

No crypto for me thanks, at least not until I figure out how dollars work.

Those traps inside ancient temples still work after thousands of years but you sit on your ear buds ONE time…

So sorry

I still wear a mask because I no longer remember how to control my facial expressions in public.

Me on FB: All kids home for summer break! My heart is full!

My reality: STOP ARGUING! YOU NEED TO GET A JOB! DO YOUR OWN LAUNDRY! WHO TOOK MY PHONE CHARGER?

Me: hi

Person who just got back from Europe: It was life changing. thank you for asking

Stop picking up fawns.
You are not a Disney princess.
And even if you are, don’t.

please tell me this song is literally about cheesecake and nothing else

How to make a Disney Pixar film:
1. Take something that doesn’t talk
2. Make it talk

Hi, I’m Tony. Voted “Most Likely To Become A Time Traveler” by the class of 2042.

What idiot called it removing a curse and not a hexagon?

This is one heck of a thing to drop on me at 3:30 AM, Google.

Wait…was it my left or your left?

-me as a surgeon

Has anyone tried changing 2020 from dark mode back to light mode?

My mom: why are you being so defensive

Also my mom: here is a 12-point presentation on how you can do everything better

My fortune cookie message read :

“You appeal to a small, select group
of confused people” ….

Uh huh ….

If I’m a vampire, I’m going into the ocean to search for Bikini Bottom. I don’t need air and there’s no sunlight? Let’s go.

You’d think wearing a hospital gown in a pharmacy would insure prompt service, well I’m here to tell you kids, it does not.

The Wendy’s Baconator is my favorite burger that also sounds like a pig from the future who’s here to kill you