Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

“Do not look that up on urban dictionary,” is a nice way of saying “ready the eyeball bleach, because I know you’re gonna.”

My IUD provides me with 99% birth control effectiveness, but my husband’s dirty socks on the floor comes in at an impressive 100%.

mugger: YOUR MONEY OR YOUR LIFE

me: My best friend will protect me

mugger: Haha, right-

[my dog appears spinning dual nunchucks]

World domination? I don’t even want to be responsible for myself.

NyQuil:
Because who doesn’t like to dream about your cat turning into your dog and your dog taking you for a walk and picking up your poop.

a whale can launch it’s entire body out of the ocean and you have trouble getting out of bed in the morning

When teenagers behave well in the cinema: I believe the children are our future, teach them well and let them lead the way

When teenagers talk through the whole film: Why Won’t The Woke Left Let Us Smack Other People’s Children? – Me for The Telegraph

[first day as a lion tamer]

me: don’t worry i totally researched this…

ring master: um ok

me: *pulls out a pig and a meerkat* NOW SING

Hiring manager: what would you say are your greatest weaknesses?

Me: probably men with hairy knuckles. Oh, and a moist pot roast.

[new coffee shop]

DAY 1
barista: name?
me: Pru
b: order for Prune!

DAY 2
m: Pru. P-R-U
b: Poo!

DAY 3
m: JANE… MY NAME’S JANE

So unfair that I’m banned from Target. The sign said I could take three items into the dressing room and didn’t say one couldn’t be cake.

every TV pilot:

“Hey man! How long’s it been, 13 years? I haven’t seen you since you got kicked off the force under dubious circumstances. Are you still haunted by the death of your wife?”

My lack of exercise is really catching up to me. Now it’s passing me. Wow, my lack of exercise is in great shape.

I really think Miracle Whip lowered the bar for what constitutes a miracle.

Hear me out: A sensor on the back of your car that detects a tailgater and shines a blinding light in their stupid lil eyeballs.

Chief Wiggum, Springfield PD, here… they’re doing WHAT?

Is Ham short for Hamuel or Hamantha?

Don’t spend money on body modification. If you wait long enough, your body modifies itself for free.

Every time someone says, “at least it’s a dry heat,” I want to stab them with a box cutter.

*at least it’s a short knife.

*slips the attendant $20* “make sure you pick me out a good one”

Sir this is a daycare…

“uh huh *winks* a daycare”

I can’t believe there’s a sex offender registry. Who’s buying gifts for these people?

*throws a dead pigeon at jerk who cut me off in traffic*

Wife: Hun, I don’t think “flipping the bird” means what you think it means.

If I get hurt playing Wii Sports, that’s still a sports injury, right?

I talk a lot of shit for someone who just had a sexy dream about a grilled cheese sandwich

Prop Manager *checks gun*
“There are real bullets in here.”

Rookie prop assistant: “Yeah we are out of fake blood.”

Every time my Father in law gets trashed, he asks if I’ve lost weight… So naturally I bring a bottle of scotch every time we visit.

“I made myself feel better about my husband being a giant, irresponsible, adult child by imagining what it would be like if he were dead” is a weird flex but ok.

A fella staggers exhausted into his house.

“What’s wrong with you?” asks his wife.

“I thought I’d save my $3 bus fare by running behind the bus” gasps the man.

“You idiot” says his wife.

“If you’d run home behind a taxi you could’ve saved $25”

Follow your dreams. Stalk them relentlessly. Hide behind plants & cars. Don’t let them see you coming. When they least expect it, attack.

[philosophy class]

PROFESSOR: u must question everything

[later]

ME: *grabs lamp and shakes it* what have u been doing all day?!