This morning my neighbor put a note in my letterbox telling me off for honking my horn to say goodbye to my kids at 9am yesterday
This evening, I’m learning to play the drums
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You spin me right round, baby, right round…
~ my Roomba at night probably
Child: I’m scared.
Me: What? Why?
Child: I heard cats screaming outside my window.
Me: It’s okay. They are just probably in heat.
Child: What does that mean?
Me:
Child:
Me: Well, when-
Wife [running in from other room]: IT’S WHEN THE CAT IS REALLY HOT
ME: Just because someone can play acoustic guitar doesn’t automatically mean they can sing.
EXECUTIONER: Those are really gonna be your last words?
Is your ice cube tray listening to your family’s conversations? Find out next week on No! It’s! Not!
They say you shouldn’t drive distracted…
that’s why I make my kids run along side the car.
Day 20. Still lost at sea. Crew thinks I know how to plot a course with a protractor. I just like making it walk on the map. Pointy Leg Man.
Wife: Can you go pick up a chair I bought on a Facebook group?
Me: What if the seller is a murderer?
Wife: Why do you think I’m sending you?
when isolation is over, we should all be allowed to commit one (1) crime since we’ve technically already served the time for it
Sarah Palin being on a climate change panel with Bill Nye is like Sarah Palin being on a climate change panel with Bill Nye.
I’m soirée for my mispronunciation of French words.
I’m a bad influence on myself.
Nothing judges you harder than a cat staring at you.
to everyone who met me 5 years ago im sorry i was hacked
work smarter, not harder
*checks pockets for phone 53 times before jumping in pool*
*skinny dips to be on the safe side*
Me: *reciting passage from The Satanic Bible*
Them: You idiot, what have you done? You WOKE the devil!
Lucifer: Intestines are just water slides for your poop
Him: you’re so cool
Me: thanks
Him: …and aloof
Me: thanks
Him: it’s like you were raised by cats
Me: *licks his face* huh?
Three pints is nice. Three pints is when you can talk a little too enthusiastically about Coyote Ugly but there’s no real risk of attempting to do a Coyote Ugly yet.
My hobbies include but are not limited to getting drunk and commenting “LOL” on relationship statuses on Facebook.
Of course I have body issues, I can’t explode into a thousand crows.
I just wish I was rich enough to be able to throw all of the pots and pans away after I cook.
So excited! I’m taking an online grammar class. No more typos for me.
Nolege is power biches!
me (when someone beats me in an online video game and says Good Game): wow rub it in much? not cool dude
me (when someone beats me in an online video game and doesn’t say Good Game): wow not even gonna be polite. not cool dude
Sometimes I like to trick my dryer by selecting the Bedding setting when the load is really jeans and towels.
At my age, “getting lucky” means being able to find my car in the parking lot.
5: Let’s play house, mommy. You be the baby. I’ll be the mommy.
Me: OK
5: It’s night-night time. Go to sleep, baby!
Me: *Kicks, screams, fusses*
5: This isn’t how the game goes, mommy. I’m the mommy, so you have to listen.
Me: Oh, honey, this is *exactly* how the game goes.
*walking into store*
Him: You need a cart?
Me: No, I’m just getting 2 things.
Him: *rolls eyes, grabs cart*Marriage level: Expert
ME: some day i will find out Owlman’s secret identity
FRIEND: who?
ME: *narrows eyes*
They should hire this cat for L’Oréal Commercial.
doctor: have you thought about the diva cup?
me: listen i’m good but i don’t know that i could compete with other divas