This morning my neighbor put a note in my letterbox telling me off for honking my horn to say goodbye to my kids at 9am yesterday
This evening, I’m learning to play the drums
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Me: Sounds great but I can’t go.
Them: Why?
Me: My car is haunted.
Them: Haunted?
Me: So haunted.
[at the bar]
Me: Let’s settle this like men
Him: *pulls out knife*
Me: *rips off clothes to reveal racquetball outfit*
*finishes a project in 20 minutes that was supposed to take 40 minutes*
*celebrates by screwing around online for 4 hours*
My husband brought home an all vegetable pizza for dinner so that I could “kickstart” a diet. To be honest, he would have been better off bringing home a girlfriend.
I can’t get enough of these Labor Day Sales, you guys! I bought 25 mattresses!
Friend: we’re going to Mexico this summer!
Me: I just bought a sensible lavender cardigan on clearance at Target, Jessica. I really don’t have time for your drama.
What if Billie Eilish’s Bad Guy was by Meghan Trainor?
I told everyone on Facebook what was “on my mind” and now I’m in jail.
Send cake.
Wife: *looking through my yearbook* you have the exact same haircut
Me: well I use a bigger bowl now
What was more important than the invention of the first telephone?
The invention of the 2nd telephone
How to lose a gf:
Gf: which of my friends would be the most fun to have a 3some with?
Me: *names two of them*
The date abruptly ended when an argument over who’s the hottest Disney princess spiralled out of control.
Hello? This is your downstairs neighbor. I really hate to be a bother, but I am in bed trying to sleep. Could you please turn the stereo down?
It’s in the living room. You’ll find my door unlocked. Thank you.
Bruce Willis is at the supermarket, standing by the cucumbers & laughing hysterically, pointing at them with tears streaming down his face
Wife – “I’m leaving you…”
Me – “noooooo…”
Wife – “…a hotdog in my will”
Me – “…oooyeeahhhhhh”
wayward son: alright, i’m done, where’s the pizza
kansas: no we said PEACE when-
wayward son: you’re screwing with me right
My neighbor is having a party for his daughter. I have been listening to Justin Bieber for 3 hours. Do not interact with me.
Hoping for an open bar at the toddler birthday, but I have cash just in case.
My EX sent me a text today saying “Happy Anniversary” I replied, best one yet.
So, can we agree on 4 or
I hate when people ask me HOW I am doing as if I KNOW THE ANSWER?!
I broke up with a guy because he killed a horse on Skyrim.
a fun way to freak out your parents is to tell them you dropped out of college this semester and when they start losing it say you’re just kidding and just when they start to recover tell them you actually dropped out last semester but have that part be true
Why doesn’t The Rock just tell us what he’s cooking? I can’t pair wines like this.
$19.99 because $20 is an outrageous amount of money!
CONFIRMED: Pete Davidson is now dating Sims 1 Bella Goth 🫢🫢
Wife: We don’t have anything planned today…
Me: Cool!
Wife: …so I was thinking we should…
Me: (dammit)
A lot of people don’t know this but if your child is screaming at the top of their lungs inside a department store, you can leave.
The Weeknd is back
Friend: excited for your date?
Me: no I just found out what we do at the end
Friend: kiss?
Me: *thinking about tipping* math