Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

ME: I got fired for microwaving fish at work
HER: whoa, fired? that seems harsh
ME: whatever, I didn’t like working at the aquarium anyway

if you give a mouse a fish, he’ll eat for a day

Me: *singing “Don’t stop believing”*
Joe: What are you doing?
Me: Practicing for Journey duty
J: You mean Jury duty?
M: No, it says…shit

I’m wearing the tie I got married in more than 20 years ago and I don’t want to brag but… it still fits.

My birth certificate is far and away my most impressive swimming certificate.

me: you can’t take all that candy to school

son: then what do I do with it?

me: you leave it here

son: with you?

One time I made a snowman and gave him a cucumber nose. Carrot noses are the standard protocol but I’m what u would call a rebel.

Boss: And you’re not showing the new people around until you stop referring to the washroom as “where the magic happens”

I shake my bottled water so the H’s & O’s are evenly distributed.

Happy Father’s day to all the dads out there trying to keep the front door closed so u don’t AIR CONDITION THE WHOLE NEIGHBORHOOD. COME ON

This flying squirrel faked his own death, and created a whole crime scene…for attention. I think I’m in love.

[date]

EXPECTATION:
Me: [dazzles her with charm and wit]

REALITY:
Me: “I hear the chicken is pretty good here.”

it’s weird to me when people say their heroes are writers, actors or directors when there are people who say “well, goodnight” and go to bed in the middle of parties they’re hosting

When the lady at the DMV asked if I wanted to be an organ donor, I told her, “Yes, but only if I die.”

[car accident]

Other driver: YOU TURNED INTO ME!

Me: *looking at hands* like Freaky Friday?

On one hand, it’s terrible to not have access to the Internet, but on the other hand, it’s terrible to have access to the Internet.

I’m so tired today. If you pulled up next to me in a car & said, “Get in loser. We’re going to–” I’d already be in the car with my seat belt fastened, fast asleep.

Me: This is my favorite. I would like to buy this exact same item of clothing again

The Fashion Industry: No.

My 9 year old asked for a fog machine so no one can see her messy floor and now I’m pretty sure I’m raising a damned genius.

You found a baby spider in here?

-Yeah, but only one.

*Googles avg # of spiders hatched*
*eyes widen*

Just. One?

[Never. Sleeps. Again.]

Not sure what’s more creepy, sifting through the trash dressed like a clown at 3am…or my neighbor peeking out his window watching me.

Does anyone remember that annoying song Barbie Girl by Aqua?

You do now.

This trial is so absurd 😭

My daughter told me that I should be a little faster with her laundry and asked if I could fold things a little neater. She had a whole near-death experience and didn’t even realize.

If I put on a latex glove and snap it, that’s just me flirting

Turtles often outlive their owners, a fact the police refuse to treat as suspicious

It’s her summer break so I woke my 12 year old daughter up at 5:15 this morning. I’ve been waiting for this revenge since she was 4.

Love means never having to say you’re sorry.

…so does murder.

Thinking about getting married? My wife got mad at me for doing all the yard work because we are in a fitbit step challenge together.

STUDENT: what’s it like being drunk?

TEACHER: see those 6 desks? A drunk person would see 12.

STUDENT: there are only 3 desks.