Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

me: i’ve started seeing someone

therapist: as in dating or like hallucinations

As I was getting into bed she said: You’re drunk.
I said, how do you know?
She said, You live next door.

Me: I wouldn’t miss it for the world.

Friend: It was yesterday.

A Short Story.

These infographics don’t work on me because my takeaway is always that 17 donuts isn’t as bad as I thought

Me: sandwich for lunch?
6yo: noooo!!!
Me: how about salami, tomatoes, cheese & bread?
6: YES!!

I win.

[at swimming pool]

Me: I remember being 25 years old and doing front flips off the diving board with no problem

EMT: *straps me to gurney* Well sir, you’re not 25 anymore

Interviewer: congrats you got the security guard job
Me: *already asleep on a folding chair*
Interviewer: hang on u don’t start til monday

I’m surprised to learn very few people wash their undies in the kitchen sink

Anyhow HR wants to have another “chat”

My kids are old enough to stay home by themselves, so most of my day is spent refreshing Google Earth to see if my house is on fire.

“I want her skin.”

-Serial killers and teenage girls

Does the employee manual say I CAN’T set up my camping tent inside my cubicle? No? Then please step outside & zip the door up behind you.

my kids: i can’t wait! we’re going to the beach! squee!

also my kids: ew! i hate sand! get it off of me!

100% of murder victims who responded to the survey really freaked us out.

THERAPIST: As a young boy, did your mother ever treat you badly?

ME: As far as I know *pauses to think* my mother was never a young boy

Interviewer: If you get this job what will you bring to the team?

Me: cake…I’ll bring cake

“Shall we proofread this before posting?”

“Fuck it.”

After slaving away making a full Christmas dinner, my 3yo looked lovingly at me and smiled. Then five simple words left her mouth… “can I have cereal instead?”

“Kids are picking on me, Mom”

I’ll teach you how to fight, son.

“Yes!”

[Mom spreads rumors about son and ignores him for 3 days]

her: i hate ultimatums

me (thought she said “old tomatoes”): well i love them, so time to decide. it’s them or me.

The wife says we have to eat all the stuff we’ve collected from fast food places tonight.

Looks like we’re having Taco Bell hot sauce, a bunch of salt & pepper, and a wet floor sign.

Baltimore’s chief export seems to be artisanal crime narrative.

Me: my tooth hurts when I suck

Dentist: so you’re in constant pain

*being wrestled away from mall santa by security* u hav TWO WEEKS until deadline and ur out here doing PHOTO OPS?! WHOS DOINGE THE REAL WORK

I can never tell if a woman’s smiling at me because she’s interested or if it’s just my hot dog costume

Welcome home! How was your trip? Do you want to hear the good news about your plants or the bad news about your cat?

me: [holding knife] ok i’m not gonna cry this time

onion: hey remember the end of that movie about the dog

Lead me not into temptation. I already know the quickest routes.

My daughter, age 6, is into playing Would You Rather and her questions are not for the faint of heart, i.e., “Would you rather have eyes, or a grandma?”